difficult child was just returned to me

[klmno]

By his friends mother (2:40 am). She said she had caught them outside near her house smoking pot. The friend had snuck out of his bedroom window. This is the kid who got caught by his mother for this a week or so ago and he's been in major trouble with his parents. She told difficult child in front of me, that if she ever sees him with her son again she will call police. Given difficult child's current situation I doubt there will be much of an opportunity for that- he has much bigger problems now. However, I didn't know you could tell a kid to keep away from yours and call police on them if they didn't for something like this or I would have done it on the boy that was contributing to difficult child's struggles a couple of years ago. Seriously, I'm not blaming her son for difficult child sneaking out, why is she blaming mine for her son doing this? I think they are both at fault and both made stupid decisions. I'm glad she caught them though and made sure I knew it. Honestly, she probably should have called the police tonight but then both of them would have been arrested- not just my son. I don't know why it's irking me so much that she said that- I just think the boys are equally guilty in this and it's not the first time they have done something illegal together and it's always mine caught in the legal system and her's that slides out but she's acting like her son's activities are my son's fault. They are both guilty.

difficult child swears they weren't doing drugs- that it wasn't pot they were smoking. I guess that will be determined later.

 

[Marguerite]

I think you're irked by this because she seems to be laying all the blame for tis on difficult child when clearly it was both of them. But difficult child is the one currently known to the police, and not her son, so to her mind it is difficult child leading her son astray, completely.

Hey, it's a parent thing. Some parents can never see the slightest fault in their children.

Marg

 

[alongfortheride]

I would have said the same thing knowing full well that my boy had full responsibility. I don't think that it is enforceable unless they were on her property and a no trespass has been filed or a protective order filed. But you are hoping that the 15 year olds don't know that so you make the statement hoping that they will listen.

We all know that our difficult children don't need any help finding their own troubles but our gut reaction is to look somewhere else to blame especially early on in their journey. If this boy had not been getting into trouble, skipping school and smoking pot before your difficult child came into the picture, the parent is understandably going to be looking to your difficult child to blame. I've done it, you've done it. She'll go to bed and wake up knowing the truth, even if she never vocalizes it.

Sorry for all the troubles. Hope you got some sleep.

 

[busywend]

How did your discussion with difficult child go? Does he have a punishment?

 

[tiredmommy]

I doubt she's blaming difficult child only.... she just knows the two of them are up to no good when together so is attempting to keep them apart.

 

[slsh]

I agree with- TM - I think she just wants your boys to stay away from each other since they seem to stir up trouble when they're together. You just heard what she said to get your kid to stay away. I would guess that her son got quite the earful too.

Doesn't matter if they were smoking dope or picking flowers. He broke curfew (again) - and let's face it, nothing good is going to come from a couple of 15 year-olds out at 2:30 in the morning.

I'm just shaking my head, klmno - he' pretty much going to do whatever he wants.

 

[DDD]

She didn't ignore the problem. She didn't just tell your difficult child to go home. She took the initiative to make sure he got home safe and that his Mom knew about the problem. I've made the same "warning" to easy child/difficult child's EF (evil friend) ten years ago. Found out I had to file a restraining order to enforce it. Now your difficult child knows he can't ignore her. in my humble opinion I think she wastrying to be a Warrior Mom. on the other hand I know it had to be upsetting to you. Life with difficult children is just too stressful for most of us. Hugs. DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

I told several other boys that I would call the cops on them if I saw them with Cory too. Especially one who seemed it was a great deal of fun to supply alcohol to him when he was on lithium.

I would imagine your area has a curfew and she would be be able to call the cops if she found your difficult child in her yard after curfew.

 

[klmno]

I went out to a 24-hour pharmacy and bought a drug test to give difficult child one myself. I tried to wake him up about 5:30-6:00 to take it but I got an earful and a refusal to get out of bed. So I got some sleep and just got up- he's still in bed and I'm guessing he should be up soon and we'll see if he takes it then. difficult child had been taking cigs, unrolling them to get the tobacco out and smoking the tobacco like pot. They might have been smoking pot but I'm not so sure given how the last drug test came back- I wouldn't be shocked either way but it will sure dig difficult child in even deeper if he was.. I think I'll have my answer, even if no hard evidence, if difficult child takes this test or refuses. I just found evidence that the boy called our house after midnight last night- twice- apparently difficult child didn't answer the first time. If difficult child was pushing that boy into being a difficult child against his will, why was he calling here?

As far as the other boy, he has done stupid stuff before even before knowing difficult child and the mother knows it- she's the one that told me- she said he'd been caught by her but not police prior to knowing difficult child. They met and became best friends in 6th grade but were kept apart after difficult child was put on probation until the begininng of 7th grade. At the end of 7th grade (2 years ago), they were arrested together for going into a shed of one of the boy's neighbor's. difficult child was held in detention for a time and held on probation, which was about to end. The other boy got put on probation for 1 year and the sentence would have been dropped if he had never gotten into trouble again. While difficult child was in detention, the boy painted a street sign and his probation was extended 6 more months. They had both taken their computers apart around the tiome of the shed incident, too. That happened while difficult child was spending the night at the boy's house. difficult child's computer didn't work after he put it back together so the sd arrested him and I had to pay for the computer. The boy's computer did work, however, the sd could tell he'd tampered with it and called hi mom. The mom blamed difficult child for that, too, and called me like she hated me. Never mind that it happened in her own house, they each admittedly tampered their own computers and my son's end result was much worse than her son's, and I had to pay for a computer.

Last night, difficult child and the boy had already planned this earlier in the evening apparently. The boy's mom said he'd crawled out of his window and she caught them near their house together when she went looking for her son. I'd like to know how she justifies in her mind that my son is guilty for being out past curfew but her's is not. She gave her son a drug test about 10 days ago and it came back hot. Shhe is probably assuming that difficult child is supplying her son or someething. But I had called officials here about the boy that I think is instiggating trouble, linking up 9th graders and younger with suppliers, has been a real disrespectful jerk and troublemaker to many for several years, and has parents that apprently don't care that he's this way, sneaks out a lot with his younger brother with him, and does drugs, and I was told by police that they can't do anything unless they catch hiim or have hard evidence but if they catch difficult child with him and doing the same thing, difficult child would get arrested, too. I was told by CPS that they can't do anything because it isn't the parent's fault if the kid is doing these things (funny no one felt that it wasn't my responsibility when difficult child messes up). Also, cps told me if my son was roaming the street during the night with that boy than that was my son's decision, no matter if the other boy tried to talk him into it. My guess is that b//c difficult child has the record he does, he will always bhe seen as "the" guilty one, not "one of the" guilty ones. And the others will probably get off with a warning to stay away from difficult child. The mom will figure it out- difficult child won't be here and unless her son becomes a saint, she'll probably catch him doing something else at some point someday and difficult child won't even be around.

 

[BusynMember]

Whether or not her behavior was right or wrong or fair or not, my attitude would be "Good, I don't want them together anyway." Been there/done that with my own kid. No matter what she means, it's best the two of them hang with others. Naturally, being difficult children they will find each other if they really want to do it, but she was probably just as distraught as you. Doubt her own kid got a free pass.

Sorry about this added grief. As I said, I will know how horrible it feels to go through this with a child.

 

[klmno]

I had told difficult child that I had a feeling the boy's parents were blaming him for every misgiving he had, about a week ago. And I told him that given that, they probably would call the police on him if they ever saw him on their property or doing something he shouldn't. After the mom left last night, I just looked at difficult child and said "I told you so". He came back with how he couldn't make it in the real world, he'd end up being institutionalized all his life, and so on and so forth. Really, my son has been in a more vunerable situation than hers this past month. But I just said to difficult child "I don't know what to tell you- you made your own choices". I think it just boils down to my son being the one used to make an example out of. He doesn't comply with rules, the other boys try that, my son is the one to get busted because he's already tied up in the system, he gets deeper in the system, the parents use that to convince their kids that's why they better comply with the parents and law and it works for a while, while my son never gets out of it but ends up learning and doing worse.

 

[klmno]

He took the test- it was a bold negative. I called the mom and told her that it appears it was tobacco they were smoking- not pot- in case her son was telling her they weren't doing that and she didn't believe it- she can give her son a test if she wants. She sounded happy about that and thanked me for calling and said she would keep me abreast if she heard anything more about these two and I told her I would do the same if she wanted. Now I'm thinking maybe this sneaking is more about them having time to get together and talk since at first difficult child was on house arrest, then the boy got grounded in a major way. And difficult child feeling like he's addicted to nicotine.

 

[donna723]

Do they have access to real cigarettes if they want to smoke? If they don't, they could be taking cigarette butts and re-rolling the left over tobacco so they can smoke it like that. At the prison where I work some of the inmates who were on outside work crews did that after tobacco was forbidden in the institution.

 

[klmno]

difficult child has done that but apparently what they have been doing lately is making a bong out of drinking containers but smoking tobacco from old cigs in it instead of pot. That is why the mom of the other boy assumed they were smoking pot last night- difficult child said she saw them smoking out that thing last night when she looked out the window.

Still, this incident could cost difficult child another 3 to 6 mos in Department of Juvenile Justice, unless they find a way to increase his time until his 16th birthday so they might have an option of putting him in a group home instead of returning home or turning him over to dss.

 

[DammitJanet]

Thats just gross! Easier to roll your own cigs.

Listen, I did all the whole rigmarole of getting Cory help from the time he was 4. He was in and out of placements from the time he was 11. He went to everything I could find for him. I turned him in to the cops, I begged people he did things to to turn him into the cops. I did everything I could think of to turn his life around and fix him. We all know how he is now.

He/we had friends who lived all around us who were doing the exact same things. Wild boys, doing drugs, even selling drugs at very young ages. A couple of the boys were kids Cory got into trouble with when breaking into houses. One kid got into trouble not once but twice for dealing cocaine at the local high school! Then he threatened to bomb the school AND he had some sort of gun at his home. Did he get into real trouble? NOPE! None of this other boys got into anywhere near the trouble Cory is in. And you all think Cory has skated. These kids are still dealing drugs. They are still breaking into houses. Cory had to take the rap for one of them breaking into a house when he went down for my checks or they would have made him go to prison. Even though they had this kids car tags and his license at the junkyard. The cops wouldnt investigate it. Neighbor said the kid doing it "looked" like Cory. The other kid looks like Cory too from a distance, and it happened at night. Plus Cory didnt have a car. Maybe Cory was there...but so was this other kid. He didnt get arrested.

Maybe I would have been better off to have never attempted to get Cory help because he would never have been identified as a problem kid here. I dont know. I know the boys from here that didnt get help still do the things that they did that were bad that I stopped my kid from doing: cocaine, crack and dealing those drugs...are still doing them. And they havent been busted. Mine gets busted for everything. None of them have drivers licenses and they dont get busted. Mine does.

Makes ya wonder. Oh yeah. Mine doesnt have the right last names either.

 

[klmno]

All those things are going thru my mind, Janet. I'm detaching...again.... but the bottom line is that I never would have started looking for help in any direction if difficult child hadn't been exhibiting issues that I could not keep under control at home and still ensure his safety. Whether MI, defiance, etc., because I had no idea when all this first started, I knew I had to do something. So maybe some kids are compliant enough that their punishments keep the kid reeled in enough to maintain in the community, maybe some parents don't care and the kid just somehow slides by the legal system, I still believe that I had to do something and you obviously felt that way about Cory, too. And I still think that some of the "help" we got made things worse intil the one initial issue turned into one nightmare after another. Yes, my son has made his choices, but on the other hand, if he was old enough and mature enough to understand the seriousness of all of them and take 100% respoonsibility for them all, we wouldn't find a need in society to have a separate court and correctional system for minors. I'm just going thru the gammet of thoughts and emotions and disappointment again and wondering how the GAL will justify trying to blame me for all of it this time. And wondering what wonderful things difficult child will get educated about from other difficult child's this time. And wondering how much worse our relationship will be, if we even ever have one again.

Example: the only reason I allowed difficult child to come home from Department of Juvenile Justice is because the only other option would have been my bro given that he's a jerk and won't remove his name from dss as wanting difficult child but I highly suspect (basicly, I feel sure) that difficult child would be molested by some grown man if he lived there and difficult child would continue to reooffend or run away. Becuase of how that has made me handle things, difficult child has ended up walking all over me. Do I feel hurt, resentful, and angry? You bet. Do I think difficult child gets the seriousness of this and the potential harm this could have caused him? Not by a long shot- if anything he thinks if someone tried to do something like that to him he could deal with it or defend himself. No matter how upset or how used I feel toward difficult child because of this or how much I think difficult child needs to learn his lesson in this regard, do I think it warrants saying "fine, difficult child, I tried but if you're going to treat me that way, just go ahead and live where you might get molested"? No way- I still could never do that. Not to any minor, not just my own.

It sure makes me wish I had turned my bro into police as a kid when he tried to molest me. If he had a record for it, dss couldn't send difficult child to him- or at least there would be a better shot.