difficult children and Facebook

[greenrene]

We have not allowed difficult child to make her own Facebook page for a number of reasons, the main one is that she has no clue how to conduct herself appropriately in social media (she's had her phone taken away for texting issues MANY times). We feel like FB and internet access are privileges, ones that she has yet to earn. She has been caught multiple times in violation of house internet rules, to the point that she wasn't allowed to so much as TOUCH the computer for a while.

She is out of state with her grandparents right now. I just saw a few minutes ago that she has created a FB page for herself over an hour ago, and has already friended her biomom (NOT a good idea!). I asked husband if his mom had mentioned anything to him about it, and he said no. Then a few minutes ago he texted me to say that difficult child had just texted him to ask if she could make a FB page and that grandma could monitor it. HUH????

Um, she already MADE the page! Apparently without any permission whatsoever - I'd like to think that my mother in law would talk to us before giving difficult child permission to do this, especially considering that she was one of the people most against difficult child having a FB page to begin with.

This child just thinks she should be able to do whatever the hell she wants, and it DRIVES ME NUTS. Asking permission after the fact??? I don't THINK so!

 

[Liahona]

Will grandma take the page down now? Can they be taken down? I've never tried to take mine down so I don't know.

 

[keista]

Maybe she's triangulating and grandma doesn't even know?

 

[Californiablonde]

The page can be taken down. I've had several friends who had fb pages and no longer wanted to use them so they just deleted their page.

 

[greenrene]

I just got off the phone with them. She had asked grandma for permission, grandma said she had to ask her dad. She had made her page and was already posting pics, chatting, and friending people at least an hour before she asked permission - I know because I saw where she friended a mutual friend in my news feed.

The only reason she even has her phone at all right now is because she was going out of town with my inlaws. She had a huge texting violation 2 weeks ago, and if she were home she's still be grounded from her phone.

She keeps trying to be sneaky with things, thinking she won't get caught, but I keep catching her in stuff (husband is clueless most of the time until I inform him of what she's been up to). I've told her many times that she can't outsmart me - she might be able to slide a few things by, but I'm on her like white on rice and on high alert for BS all the time. And I have a very finely-tuned BS meter.

I've deactivated her account. I'm SO annoyed. I think I'm going to go pop my bottle of Moscato...

 

[Liahona]

Sounds like she is trying to find where the boundaries are in the new place. Grandma has her hands full.

 

[AnnieO]

I know how this feels. Onyxx had a MySpace at age 10 - bio allowed it, so we didn't have a lot of choice except to friend her. Ha ha! Then bio started using it to send us NASTY messages. Onyxx finally decided she wanted a facebook. And... She is not always the smartest poster, but - she's 17. (I just mentioned her latest koi regarding "siblings"...)

 

[greenrene]

Sometimes I read my posts and think that I sound like such a controlling ***** of a stepmom... But difficult child really is THAT immature, manipulative, sneaky, and potentially dangerous especially with digital/internet kind of stuff.

Ugh. Yes grandma definitely has her hands full. But it's good in the grand scheme of things since she is very involved in our lives - she needs to be fully aware of difficult child reality. The more she sees these kinds of behaviors, the more (hopefully) she'll start to jump on the Therapeutic Boarding School wagon.

 

[Liahona]

Sometimes it takes living with a difficult child without the parents to mediate before grandparents get on board. My mom didn't accept that difficult child 2 has autism until she had him by herself for a few days. Don't know what she'd do for 3 weeks.

Hoping they get on board with you.

 

[JJJ]

She has a smart phone???

www.mymobilewatchdog.com

Grandma will need to take her phone for about 5 minutes to complete the link on that end. Then you will be able to see every text she sends, block her access to facebook, etc, limit her access to the internet (both sites and time limits).

 

[Wiped Out]

Ugh-Sorry you are dealing with this! My easy child/difficult child set up her facebook at school-grrrrrrrr! She wasted so much time on there that I'm sure it contributed to her downfall in grades, in fact, she admits this. Interestingly enough she now hates facebook and has gotten rid of her page (I guess it took some maturing).

 

[pigless in VA]

Sometimes I read my posts and think that I sound like such a controlling ***** of a stepmom... But difficult child really is THAT immature, manipulative, sneaky, and potentially dangerous especially with digital/internet kind of stuff.

Please don't worry about that. There's nothing wrong with being protective over your step-daughter. A girl I know at age 12 set up a FB page and pretended to be 18 and was talking to adult men. I check on my friends' children's FB pages often just to see if the kids are okay. Fortunately, Ferb has no interest in FB . . . yet. SO has set-up tracking programs on Ferb's computer, and we monitor what he looks at on the internet.

 

[greenrene]

I also just found that she has been emailing from her phone (I thought I'd disabled that - this is something else she's not allowed to do), and she's created a gmail account.

She is dangerously close to losing ALL internet/phone privileges.

Thanks for the link, JJJ - I think we're going to have to go that route because she just can't be trusted. Argh!!!!!

ETA: OMG!!!!!!! I just found out she created a Twitter account too and has been posting on IT for a while! That's it - she's SO done...

 

[greenrene]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand she also created a YouTube account (again, without permission) and has been posting inane vids of herself. Geez!

She also posted a picture on Twitter of her latest celebrity crush BARELY clothed (his undies are pulled down just short of too far...). She ALSO posted that her mom died and she needs lots of support. Good grief!

 

[welcometowitsend]

Yes, grandma definitely has her hands full with difficult child right now. Good that you've deactivated her account. The only way to really know what is going on when they have one of those accounts is to have their passwords.

in my humble opinion friending them only shows you what they want you to see because they can control what each individual 'friend' sees or doesn't see.

I love FB for myself but hate it for my difficult child. It has caused huge problems in our house between him and I.

I wish you well and please do not think you are being a B**** because you care. You're not!

 

[greenrene]

The phone has now been confiscated until some sort of tracking software gets put on it. I'm in no hurry - she needs to live without it for a while. All her accounts like Twitter, FB, etc have either been deactivated or had their passwords changed, except her main email address (it's an AOL Kids account, and there's no option for changing the password????!! That's not cool!). I have spent most of my morning on this BS - ugh!

She is also not allowed on grandma's computer for the foreseeable future.

If anyone knows how to change the password for or delete an AOL Kids account, let me know. It's different from normal AOL, which is what I use. A Google search turned up nothing useful. I can't even access AOL Help through her username.

 

[InsaneCdn]

If anyone knows how to change the password for or delete an AOL Kids account

Does AOL have a help-line or help chat?

 

[greenrene]

I think I'm closer to figuring it out. Accounts with aol kids are under a "master username," presumably my mother in law's because it's not under mine. GEEZ this child...

 

[DammitJanet]

If you have a smartphone gmail is the backbone really. If you want to get apps, you have to go through the google play store which requires a gmail account. You might be able to put yours on it and make her have to come to you every time she wants to enter an email and password but she is old enough for a gmail account. Now facebook is another thing. I believe she has to be 16 to legally have an account there...if not 18.

 

[InsaneCdn]

For Facebook, you have to be... 13. I know. I don't agree. But... they have their lawyers.