difficult child's bail was revoked, he is in jail again

[pinevalley]

My difficult child is in jail now, and he will probably stay there for 120 days. We posted his bond last week on the condition that difficult child would go to rehab. As soon as he got out of jail he refused to go to rehab, and he always told us that he would go "the next day". I actually drove him to rehab last Wednesday and left him there, and difficult child walked out of rehab and found a ride back home. It was not a pleasant surprise for h and i when difficult child walked in the door! Because our son was not going to rehab and he would not go to school either we told him that he could not stay at our house. Last week-end our difficult child was totally out of control, and he ended up staying at a motel close to our house. He was hanging around totally new druggie friends, and he was getting high every day. My h and I were ready to revoke his bail so that our difficult child would be sent back to jail. Then on Tuesday afternoon I received a call from a detective at our local police department. He asked me if I was the owner of wooden chest filled with silver flatware. I didn't even know it, but my son had stolen a set of sterling silver flatware, and the police had found this set in a pawn shop. I never use this set, and it was stored in a closet where my difficult child had no trouble taking it out of our house. difficult child was using the money that he received at the pawn shop to stay at the motel and to buy his drugs. The cops picked up difficult child on Tuesday afternoon and charged him with another count of felony theft. Because he committed another crime when he was out on bond the judge revoked the original bond for difficult child and he was sent back to the Cook County Jail. We hired a lawyer for difficult child, and he was able to get our son admitted to the residential drug unit of the jail. This is a drug program with counseling, and it is a minimum of 120 days. So our son refused to go to a private rehab program all last week, and now he will spend the next 120 days in a jail program. We have not talked to difficult child since Tuesday night, when he got upset because he thought we would be able to bail him out again. He really thought that mom and dad would always be there to rescue him, and now he is in big trouble. He has not called us from jail yet, and I'm sure that he is really upset with us.
My h and I still find it hard to believe that our only son has made such a disaster of his life in just a few months. He admitted that he has been doing acid along with using weed and taking triple C pills. I have to keep telling myself that the drugs have changed his brain, and he was not in control of his actions while he was addicted to these drugs. It is so sad for us to realize that he was so close to graduating from high school, and now he is in jail. But I know that difficult child has to take responsibility for what he did, and now he will have 120 days to stay away from drugs. My h and been wonderful through all of this, and he has helped to keep me from falling apart though all this sadness. I went to my first Families Anonymous meeting last night, and I felt much better at the end of the meeting. When I mentioned that my son was in Cook County jail about 6 other parents told me that their kids had spent time in the same jail. It is good to know that there are people online on this board who really understand how I feel, and now I have met a group of parents with addicted kids who all live close to me. Thank goodness for this support! It will be a long 120 days for our difficult child as well as my h and I.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Hugs to you and husband. I saw Dr. Sanjay Gupta on CNN yesterday, and he was talking about the teen brain and addiction. Dr. Gupta referred to it as a brain disease, and once their brains get that rush, it's very hard for the teen to think rationally...they move from one impulsive thought to another. So your son's rejecting treatment, then ending up spending 120 days in jail makes perfect sense. Their impulsive thoughts swirling around in their minds never hit any gray matter; they're irrational. Hope he learns his lesson over the next few months. Hope you also have some peace of mind and peace in your home to regroup and get stronger. Good luck.

 

[AmericanGirl]

PV, I am so glad he is safe.

Happy you found the FA group of help. I cannot imagine where I would be without the support I have found from friends, my Al-anon group. the wonderful people here and the phone Al-anon meetings...but especially from my higher power.

Remember...ONE day at a time. HUGS!

 

[Mama Raygun]

PV,

I am glad that you will be able to rest at night now, knowing where he is and that he's not using drugs tonight has to take a load off your shoulders. I'm sorry you are going thru this, I really hope this is his bottom. I think this might really be the best thing for him, I know you wanted him to be in rehab but this will probably impact him a lot more!!! I have been in rehab a few times and more than half the people there are only there because of court order, they have no desire to get clean they sit around all day 'glorifying' drugs. Not to mention there are usually lots of rehab romances(gross right.?) a lot of the younger people act like its a big party or college dorm in there instead of life or death. Jail will be hardcore recovery, no girls to flirt with, no worries about him walking out. There is something about having your freedom taken away that humbles even the most stubborn addict. He needs to know you aren't going to rescue him and clean up all his messes. I'm proud of you for taking a stand so soon, there are so many parents who enable for soooooo long. Then you end up with a forty yr old addict living in your basement stealing from you all the time! I know this is very hard... I'll be praying you never have to go thru this again! Be strong!

 

[Nancy]

He is safe and in treatment. For 120 days he will be clean and,able to think clearly. I know you are worried and angry and sad. You are doing the right thing and with your support he will get the help he needs.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[Signorina]

I am so so sorry for your heartache and turmoil.

I know this isn't how you wanted rehab to happen but I hope you take solace in him being in rehab and that he can't walk out. It's crappy - I know. I ache for you. But maybe, just maybe it will be his bottom... a safe, supervised bottom.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[buddy]

Must be very rough. Sorry for you, husband and your son. I truly hope this program is helpful to him. I am glad for you that you know where he is and what he is doing for the next several months.

 

[pinevalley]

Thanks for your words of encouragement. This is Definitely NOT where my h and I wanted our difficult child to end up. But our difficult child is incredibly stubborn, and he always has to learn everything the hard way. I know that this will be a tough experience for him, but I am really hoping that this will be his rock bottom and he will want to stay clean when he gets out.

I am having a hard time with what I should say to everyone when they ask about our difficult child. Many of my friends do not know that he had a drug problem, or that he was in rehab the first time. Several of my best friends know all about our struggles with our son, but I have not mentioned any of his problems to many other people. It has been so difficult recently with our difficult child stealing everything that I have missed several activities with groups that I belong to, so most people just know that I have not been as active as I usually am. I am curious to know how much you told other people about your difficult child's. Eventually people will ask me about our son's graduation plans, and prom, etc, and I feel that I will have to explain that he is in jail. Does anyone have any suggestions on the best way to handle these difficult conversations about our difficult child's?

 

[Kathy813]

PV, I'm sorry it came to this but he is better where he is than in a cheap hotel room doing drugs. I'm glad that you went to the Family Anonymous group and found support. Reaching out to others is very important at times like this.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[AmericanGirl]

PV, all my close friends know what my difficult children situation is. However, i choose not to share it with mere acquaintances. I feel certain many more people know about it thn I realize.

For me, telling has been comforting. So many people have been very kind. Many have talked about what a good Mom i have been ...that is healing.

Here is the best part...some have pulled me aside to share their difficult child stories. A couple of friendships are deeper because of that. One actually shared some great info which has helped.

On the other hand, there are several i dont want to know because i just dont want to deal with them...sigh.

Youll find what works best for you.

 

[toughlovin]

PV,

There is something very hard about having your son in jail. I know when my son was in jail it really got to me and was very hard... maybe somehow we take on the shame of it or something even though it is mostly defiinitely not our faullt. However he is now safe and in rehab. That is probably the best thing that could have happened under the circumstances. He was under the impression that no one could stop him from doing what he wanted... and like you said he had to learn the hard way that is not true. My son is exactly the same way.... why they think this way I don't know, and why they have such a hard time learning things most people would get in a heartbeat I don't know.

Anyway big hugs to you!

As far as telling people. I had a hard time telling people my son was in jail... but over time I have just gotten open about his having a drug problem. I am probably too open but I just find it easier. There are a few people I don't discuss it with or skirt around it for various reasons. And like AG I have found that I actually have gotten a lot of support as well as some surprising commiseration. It seems most people have someone in their family who has drug issues or have had drug issues.

As far as what you tell people. Some people you can tell the truth too.... others think about some things you can say, pat answers and then change the subject.

When my son was in jail I came up with some answers....lol... such as "oh is in a program studying the correctional system"....."oh he is off finding himself".... I think when you answer vaguely most people get the hint and don't ask for more information.

At some point hopefully someone will point out to your son that revoking bail, means that there is no bail and that in fact you could not have bailed him out even if you wanted to. That in fact you are powerless to help him out of these kinds of fixes... and that this is what the real world is like.

My son did learn from being in jail that he really does not want to be in jail.... now hopefully he has also learned he really doesn't want to be homeless either.

TL

 

[exhausted]

PV, I am so sorry things have to where they are. I am glad that he is now in treatment. I know your heart is aching. I only tell people who are close to me about difficult children exploits. Others do not understand and I don't feel it is there business. Please take care of yourself. ((Hugs))

 

[gottaloveem]

Believe it or not, he is in the best place he could be during this time. I know it doesn't make it any easier. Crossing all body parts this is the catalyst he needs to change his life. Hang in there. One day these days will be distant memories.

I didn't even tell my best friend when our son was in juvy. (The CD board knew more than our in flesh friends) We didn't tell anybody, we reclused. Eventually we let the cat out of the bag but kept it pretty private. My best friend was very understanding, she thought I was mad at her since I reclused. He was in juvy twice, the second time for several weeks. Those were very dark days. I'm not sure how to advise you on who and what you want to tell people. Some people will be understanding and some will be judgmental. He will be gone for a while and he will be missed during events like prom so I guess you have to say something. I guess they know he hasn't been in school so they probably are thinking something is up. In the long run you need help for your son and if he gets it, it doesn't matter what people think or say. The only thing that matters is his future.

Good luck. Hoping your son starts getting it this time around. (((HUGS)))


Love,
Lia

 

[DDD]

I am sending understand thoughts and hugs your way. As I've said on your threads before, we've been there done that and it takes a darn long time to wrap your head around it. Your choices have been right on target. Now, if you can, try to be thankful that you do know he is safe for awhile and give yourself to regenerate. DDD

 

[BusynMember]

I'm so sorry all this happened, but am glad he is in treatment (that he can't walk out of).

You don't have to tell anybody the truth about your son, especially casual acquaintances. Yes, they may know and even care, but if it's too hard to talk about you can just say, "I'd rather not discuss it right now. It's too hard" or anything that you feel at the moment. I don't know if you are like me, but I have a very hard time talking about my problems to people on the street when times get rough. I'd rather tell professionals or people from Narc-Anon groups, etc. If you feel like telling them, tell them. Go with how you feel. Right now...you need to take care of yourself and try not to worry about what others may think or know.

I wish your son the best of luck.

 

[rejectedmom]

I am so very sorry that your son has gotten himself into this mess. I am glad that he will be getting treatment even if it is against his will. One can hope that he will have a gestault while in jail and realize that this isn't the way he wants to live. As far as telling people, I found that some of my friends just couldn't be around me when I was going through the worst of it as it was just too much apparent pain seeping into their happy lives. Needless to say those people are not my close friends any longer. Overall, I decided that less is better. Once I know I can trust someone I let a little out at a time. I do not tell aquaintances or casual friends. And I hate that all the mail that comes to me from my son is marked as originating from an inmate. Really? is that necessary? Some idiot somewhere woke up one day and said "Oh yeah lets punish the family too by embarassing them when their mail is delivered or arrives at the neighbors house by mistake. Oh yeah and while we are at it lets put in place some enormouse charges for a phone call home from incarcerated loved one because we all know that it is the families fault that the inmate did this thing that he did."

 

[Calamity Jane]

Sometimes, well-meaning people who just want to make casual conversation may ask about prom, graduation, etc., and you may not want to get into it with them. I guess if someone like that asks, I'd just say something like, "he's doing OK, he's got some things to work out, we'll see." By the time prom and graduation roll around, he'll have been in treatment for close to 2 months, so you may be feeling a little more hopeful.
As far as some other folks are concerned, we all know people who find entertainment in our tribulations, and I would not have anything but a superficial interaction with them. Just take care of yourself - you have enough on your plate!

 

[DammitJanet]

We live in a pretty small town and most people who know us have known my boys from a young age so when they ever asked about them I just said Billy was doing X, Jamie was doing Y and Cory was still Cory- you know how that goes. Now if they were closer, like family friends or relatives then they obviously knew every move he made. Except my Dad. I kept him in the dark about most stuff that went on with Cory as much as I could but Jamie's wife had the extremely bad habit of running to him and blabbing even though both Jamie and I told her that we kept my Dad in the dark for reasons that were my concern and mine only and she had no right to decide if she felt I was wrong or right. She did it anyway. Ticked me off.

 

[Signorina]

Oh PV, I know this is really hard. Any relief you feel that he is safe and getting help gets overwhelmed by feelings of shame & worry at where he is getting that help. {{{hugs}}}

When people ask about my difficult child, I shrug my shoulders and say "he's decided to learn things the hard way" or "he's sowing his oats..." or "he's entered into a late rebellious period" and most people get it and don't press for more info. (Quite a few tell me of guys they knew who did the same and are now CEOs or Neurosurgeons etc. )