difficult child's boyfriend's exg/mother to his children-need a prayer.

[hearts and roses]

Argh, I am so angry with this young woman (S)! The mother of difficult child's boyfriend's (E) two little boys continuously plays tug-o-war with the kids and E.

E (difficult child's boyfriend) and S (boyfriend's ex & mother of children) never went to court to have things drawn up legally in regards to custody and visitation or child support. He pays her child support but she gets to dictate when and how often he can see the boys. It was on some sort of schedule it seemed for a while there, but she arbitrarily withholds the boys when she's annoyed with E (usually because she sees difficult child at the coffee shop where S smacked difficult child for no reason other than because difficult child is in E's life).

Anyway, E was very concerned about difficult child being introduced and spending a lot of time with his boys, rightfully so, in case he and difficult child didn't work out - which I highly commend him for. Well, they've been together over a year and he and difficult child have decided that it's time to spend small and short amounts of time together, whether it's lunch at McD's or going to a park; something small and short. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I asked E if he and the boys would like to pick pumpkins and carve them this past weekend and he was all excited about it and said yes. Then, on Thursday, S decides to pull the rug out from under him and cancels the boys weekend with him. Her reason was that she was taking them pumpkin picking and he can't. He never gets to do any of those fun holiday things with his boys. She also cancelled his Friday night at boy scouts with his oldest son...I hate this woman because it's the kids who lose out. E tries to be an involved dad, but she undermines him at every turn. Now Halloween is coming up and he can't take them out trick or treating - she said he can go with her and her boyfriend and the boys, but difficult child can't go - OR - he can forego trick or treating with his sons altogether. Of course, he's going with her and her boyfriend just so he can be with his boys for trick or treating but then that leaves difficult child feeling crappy.

Two weeks ago was E's father's birthday party - family flew in for this event - and she only allowed one son to attend and kept the other one home by bribing him with being allowed to ride his mini-dirtbike instead. E was given no excuse other than, "Well, he doesn't want to go to your father's birthday party". Later, when E dropped off his younger son, he asked the older one why he didn't want to go and that's when he learned that S told the older son if he didn't go to the party he could ride his minibike! How messed up is that??

I realize that S and E have a history and there are probably things that she resents him for and he was probably a jerk at some point - they were both very young when they had the boys - but he's not the same guy. E has grown up and he doesn't drink or do drugs at all and he is a hard worker and he loves his sons, he wants to be a part of their lives. Well, he's finally petitioning the courts to get solidified visitation with his boys. And I am hoping that it goes well. I have a feeling that S will pull all kinds of punches and tell all sorts of lies about him and maybe even difficult child to prevent this from going through. E is not the sharpest tack in the box, so I've told him he should write down everything and document every little rotten sneaky underhanded thing S has done to prevent him from seeing his boys. I don't know that he will and that worries me.

I know it's not my problem, but being a parent who at one time divorced her rotten exh and father of her children - I can totally understand this situation. But what I don't understand is how someone can put their own anger and resentments above their children's personal growth and happiness. I never EVER prevented my kids from having a relationship with their dad (even though I wanted to!) - if that relationship was anything less than perfect, it was his fault. We switched off and on for holidays and it was painful to put them on a ferry to NY the day before Christmas, but it was in their long term best interests.

I just cannot wrap my head around this woman's motivation. I am hoping that everything goes through and that we will have the opportunity to get to know these little boys soon. I would love for them to help us bake our holiday cookies and decorate! I met them once, but they probably don't remember and just thought I was some crazy lady at the donut shop parking lot - lol! Please send up a positive thought that the courts see through S and do the right thing! Thanks~

 

[Shari]

She sounds like husband's ex, and it makes my blood boil, too.

I hope he follows thru with this...please tell him that this board lady is sending prayers for him and those boys. They need him.

 

[AnnieO]

This sounds exactly like what BM pulled with husband. He had court-ordered visitation, and she denied anyway.

How come she gets to decide whether he sees the kids? How did the court word THAT one?

Praying for all of you. I never want to see/hear another person have to go through what my kids have gone through.

 

[KTMom91]

My first husband and his ex went through similar things before they filed for divorce. That's how I learned that if there is no paperwork in place, you're pretty much out of luck. Hope all goes well for them.

 

[hearts and roses]

Thanks ladies - I know I meet people like this all the time. I just cannot believe anyone can be that selfish!

Last night difficult child told me that her boyfriend ended up working an extra shift since he didn't have the boys this weekend and she said that he was really sad he didn't get to take them pumpkin picking.

 

[ML]

I don't get that motivation either. I guess it's just major immaturity and she's likely a difficult child as well. husband has a friend we have taken into our family who is in the same situation. He was a difficult child for a long time and has recently pulled his life together and is working steadily at his recovery. His ex will not let him see his daughters even though he's tried to make amends. He is working at getting them back through the system but he's way behind on child support and that's worked against him.

I will pray for this situation because those boys deserve to have a relationship with their father. Give difficult child a hug from Aunt ML and tell her I'm proud of her.

 

[DammitJanet]

I cant stand stuff like this. I keep telling Cory he needs to go get his visitation stuff done in legal terms but he wont listen. Thankfully Lindsay is grown up enough to put Keyana first and knows she needs all of us in her life for the child's sake. I hope that never changes. Scares me though.

I also think with Lindsay its partly that she knows where her bread is buttered...lol. We do so much with and for Keyana that she doesnt want to rock that boat.

 

[hearts and roses]

Well, that's just it Janet - Lindsay knows that you have Keyena's best interests at heart and that you love her!

This woman doesn't know us and she's had it in for difficult child ever since she learned the father of her sons was seeing difficult child - for no real reasons other than the sake of being contemptuous! It doesn't make sense. I could see if she had reasons to believe that difficult child or her family would be a bad influence on her sons, but she doesn't. In fact, it's pretty well known that difficult child isn't a pothead or drinker - neither is difficult child's boyfriend. I can understand being fearful of the unknown and I can understand her not wanting her son's to get close to our family should difficult child and boyfriend break up. I totally understand that. But what do we have to do with E seeing his sons? Nothing. It's manipulation and skewed thinking - the boys are obviously not her primary concern and that's sad. This is not something that eats me up, but when I'm reminded of it by stories difficult child tells me, it does upset me.

 

[donna723]

I would think that HE should be taking HER to court to establish his legal rights concerning his children. Custody agreements, child support and visitation should be down in writing and enforcable by the courts. She could still refuse to comply but at least if they make it legal, he would have some recourse. As it is, he doesn't have a leg to stand on and is at her mercy. And if child support went through the courts (as it does here) it will prevent her from making further claims because he will have proof that he paid ... if it's not down in writing, it didn't happen!

I don't understand these people who selfishly choose to use their children as a weapon against an ex, but there's certainly a lot of them around! And the children are the ones who will lose in the end.

 

[hearts and roses]

Thanks Donna,

He did petition the courts last Monday so he should get his day in court to get everything in order *hopefully* in the next couple of weeks. His attorney said from petition to court date it's usually about 3 weeks. In the meantime, he is drafting up a schedule for visitation that works for him. I'm not sure if they are addressing his support payments at that time as well, but I did suggest he get that done as well - no harm in getting that down in writing and stamped by the clerk, I totally agree.

The thing is, they were relatively young when they had the boys, they were both partying and trying to make a life together which wasn't a good combination. She evidentally cheated on him while he was mixed up in drinking and drugging - long story short, they fell apart. He wasn't smart enough and she effectively weilded control over him using guilt over his drug use....flash forward to now. Apparently, she has made life so miserable for the two girls he dated before difficult child that the relationships didn't last more than a couple of months. difficult child has hung in there for over a year and she's been pushing him all along to do this already and he's finally ready. I think his mom may have spoken with him recently also about getting it all done through the courts. There is no guarantee that she won't try and pull stuff after the court has its say, but at least he will have legal recourse if she does.