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<blockquote data-quote="klmno" data-source="post: 321746" data-attributes="member: 3699"><p>Thanks, ladies! My feeling is that he is "empowered" enough by being able to come to me if he's upset or I've got a rule he hates or he wants more responsiblity than I'm giving him and we discuss it and if I find it reasonable, we discuss ways to meet both our objuectives and so forth. But there is a line- I'm the parent, he's the child. And what still gets to me is that if he lived anywhere except with me, this wouldn't even be qustioned, much less people sitting in therapy together discussing how it can change to make him feel better.</p><p></p><p>If I, as a young ADULT, sat in therapy and had to accept that I could change no one but myself, why is it no therapist we have seen has ever believed in telling a child/teen that? Since when did kids get the back of society to mold their parents?</p><p></p><p>And if she acknowledges that ggfg's issues are due to his own dysfunctional thinking and self-perception, then wouldn't me changing divert his attention from focusing on himself and only support his temptations to blame me for it? (This is a big one with me and I brought it up to her today. This is where we had to leave though and I swear, I don't think she understands at all what I am saying. Not that I have to be right- but I don't see that my opinion is changing this way- I have to at least know that the therapist has a clue what I'm saying- even if they want to "help" me see why it's wrong or not the best, I have to feel like they "get" where I'm coming from.)</p><p></p><p>And I'm sitting there remembering all these things difficult child says when he's mad and so forth and I'm thinking she might think all that sounds great now, but it won't work in the real world. How empowered does difficult child feel over the staff at Department of Juvenile Justice? NONE. But it never occurs to anyone that the parent needs the same support as Department of Juvenile Justice's authority, authority at psychiatric hospital, etc. They keep saying "why do you think he does so well in secure environments but not at home". I think it's because he knows he has to accept their authority and the authority there gets support and backing but people have actually taught and reinforced to difficult child that I am his problem.</p><p></p><p>Now, I have NO problem trying to help difficult child work on his self-perception and feelings of inadequacy and better coping skills, etc, and don't mind hearing suggestions for that. (So far the people here are better than a therapist though.) But, I want everyone on the same page that me making efforts to help him "think" healthier is not exactly the same thing as "your mother drove you to this so let's improve your relationship".</p><p></p><p>I'm foreseeing another letter to this lady in the near future. LOL!</p><p></p><p>And here's another thing I don't get at all-</p><p></p><p>Why is it that realtionship type therapy between two equals (like marriage counseling), the therapist listens to both sides and tries to help both people meet their objectives, but when it's family therapy with a parent and a child, it always seems to be what the parent should change so the kid will "not have desires to break the law or be noncompliant" anymore, without any regard whatsoever about the message this sends the kid, the fact that this doesn't help the child respect authority or behave better, and doesn't even consider what feelings or objectives the parent has. I mean I understand as a parent, I need to make decisions that are in the best interest of my child, not what makes me feel good or what I want, but I am not sure I can ever get to a point where I see this approach as being in the best interest of my son.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="klmno, post: 321746, member: 3699"] Thanks, ladies! My feeling is that he is "empowered" enough by being able to come to me if he's upset or I've got a rule he hates or he wants more responsiblity than I'm giving him and we discuss it and if I find it reasonable, we discuss ways to meet both our objuectives and so forth. But there is a line- I'm the parent, he's the child. And what still gets to me is that if he lived anywhere except with me, this wouldn't even be qustioned, much less people sitting in therapy together discussing how it can change to make him feel better. If I, as a young ADULT, sat in therapy and had to accept that I could change no one but myself, why is it no therapist we have seen has ever believed in telling a child/teen that? Since when did kids get the back of society to mold their parents? And if she acknowledges that ggfg's issues are due to his own dysfunctional thinking and self-perception, then wouldn't me changing divert his attention from focusing on himself and only support his temptations to blame me for it? (This is a big one with me and I brought it up to her today. This is where we had to leave though and I swear, I don't think she understands at all what I am saying. Not that I have to be right- but I don't see that my opinion is changing this way- I have to at least know that the therapist has a clue what I'm saying- even if they want to "help" me see why it's wrong or not the best, I have to feel like they "get" where I'm coming from.) And I'm sitting there remembering all these things difficult child says when he's mad and so forth and I'm thinking she might think all that sounds great now, but it won't work in the real world. How empowered does difficult child feel over the staff at Department of Juvenile Justice? NONE. But it never occurs to anyone that the parent needs the same support as Department of Juvenile Justice's authority, authority at psychiatric hospital, etc. They keep saying "why do you think he does so well in secure environments but not at home". I think it's because he knows he has to accept their authority and the authority there gets support and backing but people have actually taught and reinforced to difficult child that I am his problem. Now, I have NO problem trying to help difficult child work on his self-perception and feelings of inadequacy and better coping skills, etc, and don't mind hearing suggestions for that. (So far the people here are better than a therapist though.) But, I want everyone on the same page that me making efforts to help him "think" healthier is not exactly the same thing as "your mother drove you to this so let's improve your relationship". I'm foreseeing another letter to this lady in the near future. LOL! And here's another thing I don't get at all- Why is it that realtionship type therapy between two equals (like marriage counseling), the therapist listens to both sides and tries to help both people meet their objectives, but when it's family therapy with a parent and a child, it always seems to be what the parent should change so the kid will "not have desires to break the law or be noncompliant" anymore, without any regard whatsoever about the message this sends the kid, the fact that this doesn't help the child respect authority or behave better, and doesn't even consider what feelings or objectives the parent has. I mean I understand as a parent, I need to make decisions that are in the best interest of my child, not what makes me feel good or what I want, but I am not sure I can ever get to a point where I see this approach as being in the best interest of my son. [/QUOTE]
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