difficult child's father may die soon from cancer.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jody, Apr 26, 2011.

  1. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    My daughters father has been dealing with throat cancer for two years. He hasn't been much of a father, but I hate to see him in so much pain. It's awful. He found out 6 months ago that the cancer is back. He has another tumor. He would not quit smoking and having a beer. He used to chew tobacco. He's smoked since he was like 13 and he's 46 now. It's so sad regardless of how or why. difficult child is putting up a brave face but I know she's upset about it. He is getting ready to go into surgery in a few hours. He showed up in the ER two weeks ago with pneumonia, and they said he nearly died, and today they have to go in to do something with his trach. I am scared his family from Kentucky have all been called to be here. They haven't done that before. difficult child says she wants to see him, but she is never invited or told when he's in the hospital. She just happens upon information when she calls him or his girlfriend. I don't really know if she can handle seeing what has happened to him. I have to admit that I was shocked and it was terrible for me to see him that way. I don't know what to do. If she wants to see him and she can I will let her, because I don't want to be in the way of her saying goodbye. It's terrible to see someone go from being so healthy to where he is now. Please just pray or do whatever you do, he can use all the help he can get. Thank you.
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member


    i'm sorry and yes regardless of the type of dad he was if she's requesting to go i'd let her go also..... it's only what's right and fair. might be a bit devastating though also...

  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    If she wants to go? I'd allow her to go. The chances that she will build those lifetime frienships with her other Grandparents and Aunties are probably slim. Dude went to meet his Father and his family thinking he would be greeted like the long lost son and well? Hasn't worked out like that. He's been starving and excpet for one Uncle? Hasn't been so much as an offer for a banana.

    This just has to be more about her, and her memories of him and her. She can't have the moment back - once he's gone. Maybe you could contact a grief counselor at a local hospital and ask them before hand what are good things to say to her to be prepared.

  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry for both your daughter and for her father. What a very sad and difficult situation for everyone to deal with for someone so young. Her and him.

    I will pray that her father is spared from pain and that he and his family are comforted by his daughter. I will also pray that this turns out to be a blessing for your daughter so that she can have wonderful memories to last her for the rest of her life.

  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ew, Jody. That is a horrible death. My mom smoked and drank and ended up with-a tracheotomy when the doctors removed half of her tongue. She was fed through a stomach tube after that. I suspect that will happen with-your difficult child's father.
    I am sending strength and hugs to all of you.
  6. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Sent a prayer up that difficult child will find the closure that she needs in her dads remaining time. Also that her dad will not suffer too much.

    I too had a distant relationship with my dad he and I didn't meet each other til I was 17. He passed away last November. I went and visited him one time in the hospital just a month before he died. I also went to his funeral. For me it was very sad for what never was and might have been but at least I gave him some peace before his passing. I know it was also a comfort for my half sister who was actually the one that initially contacted me to tell me of his condition and asked if I would visit him in the hospital.
    It's very sad but I feel like I did do my part...I even told him "I love you" as I left the hospital room "I love you" was the last thing he said to me. I didn't really " know" him but it didn't matter... I said what needed to be said, for me and him.

    Anyway will be thinking of you all
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs and prayers going out, Jody.
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *hugs* and prayers for you all, hon. I watched my mom be in and out the hospital with heart attacks, a stroke, a suicide attempt, etc., for about a decade when I was young. I was 6 when it started, and that was back when kids under 12 weren't allowed off the ground floor to the patient floors. By 8 I knew my way around the entire hospital top to bottom (except the morgue). From a kid's perspective (and one who didn't get to know most of her grandparents for various reasons), if she wants to go, my advice is let her.
  9. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    So sad... my thoughts and prayers Jodi ...
  10. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Sending heartfelt prayers for everyone involved...
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Sending prayers.

    If she needs to say good-bye, and she probably really does, now is the time before he gets any worse.

  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I think the suggestion to contact the grief counselor is excellent. Their experience could easily make a brief visit less frightening and perhaps a memory of value. Hugs. DDD
  13. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Thank you all so much. I did not hear back from his girlfriend after the surgery. I don't know what's going on at this point. I have tried to call and get no answer. I left a message that difficult child would like to see her dad asap. We'll see. I am hoping that they respond. difficult child seems to be okay, but I just wonder what's really going on.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I was wondering, too, which was why I checked this morning. Best of luck.
  15. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I just got a call that my daughter's father's right lung has collapsed and he was taken to emergency surgery. I don't know what to think, his girlfriend said that she expects that he is just too weak to make it thru but he has pulled thru when she didn't think he would. We have been given the okay to go up and visit him. We will do so tonight. His girlfriend said to prepare her as best I can for how he looks. He's 6ft 2 and 108 lbs right now. He was 240. I know this is going to be so hard for her.
  16. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hope the visit went smoothly and difficult child handled it all right. Hugs to you both, Jody.
  17. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Jody, so sorry to hear this. I'll be keeping difficult child & her dad in my thoughts. My twins were devastated to see husband in the state he was in before he died. I would never have let them not see their dad ~ they needed to see him, to process just how ill he was before he died.

    Gentle (((hugs))) to you & your difficult child.
  18. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow, that's a lot of wt loss. Very bad. Scary to go through, scary to see. I am so sorry.
    Did they put a balloon in his lung? I have a friend who had a collapsed lung yrs ago but I don't know if that's still the procedure.
    Best of luck to all of you.
  19. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Well I took my daughter to see her father. He has never been an affectionate person, but my goodness he showed her no affection at all. I got a call that he would be dying soon from his girlfriend. I take her up there immediately, I forwarned her as to what he might look like. She was so shocked she walked in and then walked out to get herself composed. She came right back in and we stayed a few minutes. He can't talk but he could write. He didn't write her but he did write me that he was going home. Sure enough he was packed. The nurse said if you go home, I give you 2 hours tops. He got a blood infection and had an IV that filtered his blood and she said it wouldn't be long at all if he got off that machine. He said disconnect it he was going home. So he is at home waiting to die there. His friends got him up in the truck and they drove him around to all of his favorite fishing places and hunting areas. He was so exhausted and weak, they had to carry him out of the truck to the house. Sad. We ended up staying a couple of hours, in the waiting room. She just wanted to be there, near him. She got to spend a few more minutes with him. I ended up making all the excuses that I have before. He just wasn't raised that way honey, but he does love you. yada, yada, yada. I iwsh he could have given her anything, written that I love you, too, a hug anything. She tried to hug him and he said he couldn't because of his incisions and tubes. She said okay, but I could tell she was hurt. Regardless of all of that, I hope he has a little longer to enjoy the outside. He has tried everything and then some. He's tired. I don't blame him, he has really been brave through the whole thing and endured so much.
  20. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    O I am so sorry for all of you...