difficult child's friends mother..

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Aug 27, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    passed away Friday night. Nobody told him until yesterday. This is a girl who he hung out with. They were both skating on Friday night. While they were skating she passed away. She was fighting cancer last year.
    difficult child would hang out with her, go to her house. They would go to the mall. Talk online, text. I gave him a ride there several times. He asked one other girl why her mother was bald. The other girl said she had cancer. That was early last spring. From what is posted on myspace, her mother had a seizure Friday night which ended in her death. difficult child doesn't know what to do. They didn't hang around at all during the summer and seeing her at the skating rink was the first time since school he hung out with her. He is feeling real lost. I told him to post a message to her on Myspace, or txt. her. He is afraid to because he didn't see her all summer. He is feeling really sad for her.
    They all hug each other when they see each other, so I said just post a message saying "hugs".
    The last time someone that difficult child knew died he was 6. It was a neighbor man who difficult child loved. difficult child stopped eating. Said he would die if he ate. Six weeks with no food. Had all kinds of tests done. I am worried because he feels so sad right now and doesn't know what to do.
    husband's father died when he was difficult child's age. husband said what he remembers most is how many friends came. (ofcourse they did not have myspace, or text msging).
    husband has had friends, relatives pass away over the years. His way of dealing with it is...ignoring it. If you don't think about it then it goes away. (what he told me)
    How should I advise difficult child?? I do not want difficult child to deal with things that way.
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You should explain to him that it is comforting for the girl to know her friends are there for her. She needs people around her to help her keep her mind off it for a few minutes at a time. It will help her smile a bit. He should offer to help with anything around the house - they will probably have people over for a bit. Perhaps drop off a box of something that would help them get through the next week of entertaining. There was a post in WC about what to bring to someone's house to help with the entertaining.

    It is not so much for him, but for her. She needs to know who her true friends are.

    When I was a teen my friends' (twins) mom passed away and all us friends were there the entire time. If they needed to step out of the family line at the wake - we took them outside.

    All he needs to do is ask her what she needs.
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I'm so sorry this happening. Perhaps he could write out some fond memories of his friend's mom and bring them over within a few days.
  4. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    had a suggestions also to have him write a card. Maybe the two of us can and that would be nice. He feels bad he hasn't seen her all summer.
    Maybe he will learn to be more positive and enjoy each day. I will ask him about the other things.
    He may be afraid to see her, or talk to her. If that is the case maybe we can drop something of at another friends house and ask them to bring it ...from Alex.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Honesty is probably a key for him here. He feels bad he didn't see her all summer - so say that, in the card. He could also say how much he enjoyed being with her when he last saw her. And I do agree, let him know that just receiving this card will make his friend feel a lot better - he is a bright place in a dark time for her. It's not about how he feels, this needs to be about how he wants her to feel.

  6. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I'm so sorry!!! I think all of the advice you've been given is really good. I really can't think of much more to add. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and your difficult child...WFEN
  7. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I think a card, he doesn't have to write anything extravagant-just," I'm sorry for your loss" would even be fine. Send that along with a box of cookies from the bakery, and she knows he cares. Thats all, sometimes you don't need words. Or he can go over with the cookies, trust me, his presence would be comfort enough. The one thing he should not do is stay away, or ignore it. It is uncomfortable, but it's ok to not know what to say. He doesn't have to say anything really. She'll feel better just seeing him, or knowing he thought of her.-Alyssa
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I bet just knowing her frined is their for her will mean so much... the last thing she is probably thinking about is what happened over summer... poor things.
    He should try to communicate in any way he feels comfortable.
    Sending hugs to both of them.
  9. ML

    ML Guest

    You have great suggestions here. This is so tough. I love the honesty and the card idea. It gives him an opportunity to express those feelings and come from his heart. I'm so sorry for him. Please give him extra hugs today. MicheleL