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General Parenting
difficult child's girlfriend can't go back to the church meals program; natural consequences strike again
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 559850" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I think a lot of us say a punishment and then think we are too harsh and lighten it or get rid of it or let them out of it. Sadly, from experience, all this does is result in a confused child who truly doesn't believe a single word you say - on any subject. Because we go back on our words when they are in trouble, they think that everything we say is false. It is hard, because sooooo many sources tell us that we have to give a punishment immediately or the child won't associate the punishment with the offense. Reality is that by the time a child is 3 or 4 they DO have the ability to remember what they have done, and to associate a consequence with it. they sure never forget the times when they are rewarded for something!</p><p></p><p>At one time I was really really BAD about this. Then I decided that not only would we all benefit if I took a few min or even a day to calm down before I told my kid what the punishment was, we would also benefit if once I said a punishment then we ALL were bound by it. This means that <strong>I</strong> had to stick to my words even if I thought I did the wrong thing. This accomplished a LOT.</p><p></p><p>No longer did I blurt out a punishment when angry. No longer did my kids wonder if I was going to do what I said. No longer did I feel that I HAD to give a punishment RIGHT THIS MINUTE when I was angry and so was my child. We talked about it when we were BOTH/ALL calm, and the punishment was what I said no matter what. I didn't over-react as much, and I could be sure that husband was on board with it or at least would not undermine me with the kids.</p><p></p><p>The overall result was a happier, healthier home and family. My kids are sooooo not confused about what their punishment is, and they are no longer afraid of my temper. I don't blow up but maybe a few times a year, and they are VERY impressed when I do feel the need to explode because they have persistently flat out refused to do what they have been expected to do for an extended period f time. It makes those times when a BIG reaction is needed vastly more effective and none of us deal with anger explosions on a regular basis. </p><p></p><p>I am glad that difficult child is making progress, and I honestly think you need to start insisting on more girlfriend-free time in his life. It seems really unhealthy for him to be this dependent on having his girlfriend around. If she just shows up at your house, please don't feel you cannot send her home if it is an inappropriate time for her to be there. It isn't healthy for anyone to be that dependent on having any other person there at all times.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 559850, member: 1233"] I think a lot of us say a punishment and then think we are too harsh and lighten it or get rid of it or let them out of it. Sadly, from experience, all this does is result in a confused child who truly doesn't believe a single word you say - on any subject. Because we go back on our words when they are in trouble, they think that everything we say is false. It is hard, because sooooo many sources tell us that we have to give a punishment immediately or the child won't associate the punishment with the offense. Reality is that by the time a child is 3 or 4 they DO have the ability to remember what they have done, and to associate a consequence with it. they sure never forget the times when they are rewarded for something! At one time I was really really BAD about this. Then I decided that not only would we all benefit if I took a few min or even a day to calm down before I told my kid what the punishment was, we would also benefit if once I said a punishment then we ALL were bound by it. This means that [B]I[/B] had to stick to my words even if I thought I did the wrong thing. This accomplished a LOT. No longer did I blurt out a punishment when angry. No longer did my kids wonder if I was going to do what I said. No longer did I feel that I HAD to give a punishment RIGHT THIS MINUTE when I was angry and so was my child. We talked about it when we were BOTH/ALL calm, and the punishment was what I said no matter what. I didn't over-react as much, and I could be sure that husband was on board with it or at least would not undermine me with the kids. The overall result was a happier, healthier home and family. My kids are sooooo not confused about what their punishment is, and they are no longer afraid of my temper. I don't blow up but maybe a few times a year, and they are VERY impressed when I do feel the need to explode because they have persistently flat out refused to do what they have been expected to do for an extended period f time. It makes those times when a BIG reaction is needed vastly more effective and none of us deal with anger explosions on a regular basis. I am glad that difficult child is making progress, and I honestly think you need to start insisting on more girlfriend-free time in his life. It seems really unhealthy for him to be this dependent on having his girlfriend around. If she just shows up at your house, please don't feel you cannot send her home if it is an inappropriate time for her to be there. It isn't healthy for anyone to be that dependent on having any other person there at all times. [/QUOTE]
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difficult child's girlfriend can't go back to the church meals program; natural consequences strike again
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