difficult child's gone and done it this time

[realangel]

He is very well behaved in his foster placement. But school is becoming increasingly difficult for him again. His (female) class teacher has asked for a male teacher to be present as she is afraid of what he will do when he 'blows' again. Last time he blew in school he assaulted a (male) teacher. I can understand her fear, he assaulted me last year (no one helped us then) so its not just males he assaults. School have often refered to him as being like a spring being wound tighter and tigher, one day he will 'go'.. this happens every few weeks (when we can get him to attend) .. hopefully the SW is taking note of all this!!

I have kept all text messages from him and informed SW of what they say. I have the facility on my phone to lock messages so they cannot be erased accidentally.

The reason he cant get home is more that he wont travel alone. He has been independant since the age of 11 and often walks the streets and gets buses and trains with his friends, he just is too lazy to do it alone. I text him last night to ask if he will be at the contact meeting tonight and he said no cos he has no money to get home. He was TOLD by SW to save some money from his weekly allowance for the bus!

Still trying to control us? He knows i wouldnt let him walk anywhere so was maybe trying for us to give him a lift? its supervised contact so we cant anyway.

 

[kris]

either looking for an out or wanting to get you alone in the car to continue his harrassment. <sigh>

you're doing well. keep stepping back. he will implode on his own.

kris

 

[realangel]

he refused contact today, his social worker asked him if he was going to attend and he said 'i am not going to see HER, she can come to me'

SW told him that isnt an option so no contact for this week. She is now saying that maybe supervised contact and foster placement is NOT the way forward and wants him placed back in the family home!!

SW is about 21 and is a student, this case is too big for her, we get a new SW in 2 weeks.

Hit an almighty low today while shopping. maybe tomorrow will be better?

 

[realangel]

Had the panel meeting last night with the youth offending team.... well when i say we had it, i mean we attended and read the report but difficult child wasn't notified so wasnt there, we are meeting again now on a different date!!

The report from his officer states he is at a HIGH risk of re-offending... surely SW should be taking that into account?

The worker from mental health services has phoned. I am meeting with her in 2 weeks to discuss my concerns about difficult child's mental health, and she is meeting him when they return to school after the easter break.

Do i tell them about the messages he has written on my bedroom wall saying he wants to die? Do i tell her he tried to stab himself (unsuccessfully) in front of me last year? (he only scratched himself).. do i tell them he has been threatening to commit suicide since he was 6 yrs old, although he has never carried it out? Do i tell them about the controlling, manipulating, bully that he is with me when no one else is around?

I also have my first meeting with the suport group in 3 weeks

just found out he has been excluded from school AGAIN, school are now saying they will have to do a risk assessment on him as they feel that even they cannot offer him the specialist treatment they feel he needs
SW is now saying that its not working him being in foster placement and that he isnt working with them or anyone!! It sounds to me that they will begin trying to force me to have him here!

PLEASE PRAY FOR ME
I cant take anymore
i just want to run away, hide and never come back
I cant be me anymore
I dont want to be me
I dont want to be in this bad place

 

[bonkers]

Lisa,

I am so sorry to read all you have been going through. I wish I could help in some way. Remember to stick to you instincts and do what you feel is right..

 

[TerryJ2]

The report from his officer states he is at a HIGH risk of re-offending... surely SW should be taking that into account?

Yes, she should! It's in writing by a state-assigned professional.

The worker from mental health services has phoned. I am meeting with her in 2 weeks to discuss my concerns about difficult child's mental health, and she is meeting him when they return to school after the easter break.

Do i tell them about the messages he has written on my bedroom wall saying he wants to die? Do i tell her he tried to stab himself (unsuccessfully) in front of me last year? (he only scratched himself).. do i tell them he has been threatening to commit suicide since he was 6 yrs old, although he has never carried it out?


Yes. They need to have something to work with. Do you have photos? Letters? Police rept's, anything to document any of that? Why weren't they told b4?
You said he is well behaved in foster placement... how long do you think the honeymoon period will last? Is is possible he could transfer his anger from you to them?
Since he never carried out any of his threats, he is calling out for help, clearly miserable and needs help. Doesn't sound like the 21-yr-old soc. wrkr is capable of it... as you said, this is WAY beyond her.

 

[realangel]

There is no documentation from when he has tried to harm himself, nor photos..... its times like this i kick myself for not reporting more/documenting incidents. There are police records stating he assaulted me, a teacher and a child in his school last year, caused criminal damage to the home last year, plus this incident. He has threatened his sister verbally because she no longer does what he wants, she has found her voice!!

I am praying that when we move from duty SW to permancy that we have a new, older, more experienced SW who can SEE what needs to be done. This child simply CANNOT live in our home, he poses a threat to everyone in it.

School are saying that they may not be able to have him there as he is a danger, so if a specialist school cant deal with him, SW cant deal with him, what chance do we, as parents, have?

He still hasnt 'acted up' at the foster placement... but a small part of me wants him to so they can see what i have to deal with, what WE have to deal with... but then i feel that i am evil for thinking that.

All i have ever wanted is for someone to believe me, believe the nightmare i have been living for 16 years, see the fear everytime i look at him, understand that i can go on no longer. I love him dearly, he is my sonshine, but i dont like him at the moment... i cant help him and that scares me too...I feel i have failed him as his mother, that i dont deserve to be his mother

 

[TerryJ2]

but a small part of me wants him to so they can see what i have to deal with,

Oh, I know THAT feeling! :crazy:I went to our child psychiatric for a cpl mo's b4 difficult child acted up, and it wasn't anywhere near full-blown, but enough to give the dr a good idea. Same with-the pediatrician. difficult child tore apart his ofc, ran down the hall and hid, locked us out of the room... when he was 4 or 5. Still, husband wouldn't do medications until last yr. (Sigh.) :frown:

It isn't that you're evil... just practical. Actions speak louder than words. Let him act out and you won't have to say anything at all.
The goal is to get him help. When he gets help, you will feel better.

Right now, he's in foster care and you have your house pretty much to yourself, right? Calm down. Take a deep breath. Trust the foster parents to cook his dinner and keep an eye on him. You are giving yourself a break. Don't beat yourself up and second guess yourself. These things take time.

 

[Marguerite]

I'm not sure I understand what this SW is trying to say - you had him removed because he is a danger to you in your home, now he's a problem where he is so THEREFORE IT'S NOT WORKING AND HE HAS TO COME HOME? What kind of logic is that?

Surely she can see that if he is not cooperating out of the home, then he is not going to magically improve back in the situation he had to be removed from?

Here's hoping the replacement comes along soon.

An evil thought - can you suggest she takes him into HER home, as an interim measure? If he really is such an easy child then she should have no problem, surely? And if she responds to the suggestion with, "I need to be safe," then jump up on your chair and shout, "BINGO!"

It reminds me of telemarketers who ring your home number, generally at inconvenient times while you are getting the evening meal for example, to sell you something you don't want and don't need. You can't hang up on them or they ring right back. I've taken to asking for their home number so I can call them back when it's convenient for me. Of course, their answer is, "I can't give you that, because you might ring me when it's not convenient, I have to do this at work."
And the response is, "Well you ring me when it's not convenient for me - this is MY home number you rang, so why can't I ring yours? Why are you imposing a double standard here? You're wanting something from me that is inappropriate by your own standards."

If she succeeds in getting him placed back with you, then it will be "case closed" successfully from her point of view and nothing more will be done. difficult child will get the message that he can act up and you can't change anything because no authorities will support you (hence he can do what he likes, it's officially sanctioned).

Fight this one. Definitely.

Marg

 

[wethreepeeps]

I can so identify with wishing your difficult child would act up in front of others so they can really see what you're dealing with. Honestly, my difficult child flipping out at the psychiatrist's office (he kicked over potted plants, ripped up the magazines, yanked pictures off the walls while screaming at the top of his lungs) was one of the best things that ever happened for us. Funny how the hospital. had no open beds, then after that incident, he had a bed the next day.

 

[cindygirl]

I can identify with what you are going through. Our Daughter has been acting out by doing drugs, stealing vehicles, smashing things and agressive behaviour. You just have to keep going through the motions. This morning I emailed everyone in government I could get an email address for. She was screaming in the face of a police officer and then ran off and he just watched her go. But the parents always get responsibility and blame.

 

[realangel]

I am feeling calmer today, thinking more rationally.

I cleaned difficult child's bedroom today, I have taken photo's of the damage he has caused to the room (graffiti everywhere, pop thrown up the walls, nicotine stains on the windows, burnt mattress), i broke his bed up and threw it away, took everything out that could be saved and put it in the loft. Tomorrow I am Stripping the wallpaper and redecorating the room. I need it to be clean. I will be showing the pictures to his social worker... we rent our house and could be sued for criminal damage if our landlords decided to check.

I am in the process of trying to retrieve records from the police, school and youth offending team.

I WILL continue to protect my family, they need me!
I will NOT allow them to bully me into taking him back so that he isnt their 'problem' any more
they wouldnt help when i begged them to, so now they are being forced to help i will NOT be backing down. If it means taking out restraining orders i'll do it. If they try to say I am unfit as a mother then let them, i have dried my best for 16 years.. surely that counts for something? But i am not superwoman, if thats what they feel he needs then let them find her.

 

[realangel]

Received a letter from the school today, difficult child has been excluded for "physical abuse on member of staff, Defiant oppositional behavior and verbal abuse to staff" :bravo: Now SW HAS to see whats under her nose doesn't she?

 

[Craig.D]

Hi,

My name is Craig, I am Lisa's (realangel) partner. Hi \o/

When Lisa told me about this site late last year I feared that she would get too involved and 'feed' off what is available here. E.g the problems you people have with your children etc. I was worried that reading all this would pull her down even further.

I realise now I was wrong. (should never read a book by it's cover eh?)

Anyway. Just a huge thank you for all your support to Lisa, the help and advice you have given her has been fantastic but the encouragement and belief you have given her has really helped. So I personally Thank each and every one of you who have helped her with this situation and to the people who run this site. Thank you!

Lisa is a great person. Kind, caring and gives so much love! and despite whats she's going through I still manage to squeeze a smile out of her on a daily basis. None of this is her fault and I'm slowly getting her to think this way. It's the same for each one of you here I know, but she deserves sooooo much better than to be treated like this by difficult child.

I notice she describes me as her rock - well she's mine too!! it's just hard for her to see it like that. But I tell her every day.

I have spent the past few days reading some other posts on here with your own 'problems' and I'd like to send a huge smile to each and every one of you.

Regards
Craig
=edit=
Bless her, Warrior Dad? hmmm wouldn't go that far.

 

[realangel]

We are having a supervised visit on tuesday (if he turns up!)
He came to the house the other day asking for money and his easter eggs. He really doesn't get it!! He was excluded from school for assaulting a teacher, he has assaulted us many times, and yet he thinks he can flutter his eyelashes and I'll melt? This is very hard but i am standing strong!!

 

[Marguerite]

I hope he turns up on Tuesday, Lisa. I really can't see how SW can fail to see the damage difficult child is doing. You have a right to be safe. How can you be held responsible for the tornado in your midst?

And Craig, welcome. I'm glad you find this helpful. My husband lurks using my profile but always announces himself as "Marg's Man". It's made a huge difference to the level of communication we have with each other. I mean, we thought it was darn near perfect before, but having him lurking here has helped so much more. He has much less time, but just by reading the threads I'm posting on, it's helping him see where my interest has been caught. And sometimes his expert knowledge comes in very handy.

We're a team, more than ever. And everyone's input here is welcome, regardless of gender or any other difference.

Marg

 

[realangel]

Well he turned up and things were civil :whew: Thats a positive move at least. He came to the house with a friend to collect his cd player and a few clothes, even tho he has been told time and time again not to come to the house.

His SW was quite moody and quiet, either she is realising he is a 'difficult' child or she didnt like how i was talking with him (with no emotion) I couldnt help that tho, all emotion has been drained from me.

the woman from the mental health services phoned and re-arranged our meeting .. we are meeting tomorrow now, she was called home in an emergency, i dont mind.. these things cant be helped and at least i wont be waiting weeks for another appointment. We have taken photo's pf the messages he has written on the walls (asking to be shot/killed etc) so will show her those tomorrow.

 

[realangel]

she came, we spoke.... she was interested to hear about he is either very angry and volatile, or very happy and calm, that he hoards things.. things that are of no use or value to him.. and that he makes noises for no reason.. he can be watching tv with us and be calm but still make the noises. she is sending us out a questionaire for ADHD, sending one to the school to complete and getting difficult child to complete one.... just to 'see' if he does actually suffer from it.

 

[realangel]

Completed the connors parent rating scale yesterday, he scored 3's all the way thru!! Now to see how the school scores him.

Social worker phoned today.. difficult child is refusing to see me... but of course will be expecting me to buy his credit for his mobile phone. I have decided i will NOT be buying that or anything else for him. If he doesn't want to see me or speak to me he doesn't want my money either!

On Saturday difficult child didn't get back to his placement until 2am.. he is supposed to be back by 11pm!! I don't know the details, all i know is his social worker (the young, inexperienced, temporary one) is talking to him on Friday. I have a feeling he will be placed elsewhere soon!

Tomorrow night we have a meeting with the youth offending team about his referral order. The report will be read (the one that states he is high risk of re-offending and that he is showing no remorse and feels HE is the victim)and they will decide what work they will be doing with him to stop him offending, consequential thinking etc. If he doesn't comply with the order (my understanding is) he will re-appear in court and receive a custodial sentence. in my opinion he will NOT comply. I know him too well... he has never complied. I hope he proves me wrong this time.

Thank you my online friends, for your words of support and wisdom, please continue to pray for us.