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difficult child's joblessness is getting to me. Not sure where to go from here
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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 551423" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>OK, here's the biggest trap of all time when it comes to parenting a difficult child, especially an adult difficult child: trying to put ourselves in their shoes, and expecting them to act like we would in a certain situation. </p><p></p><p>None of us would live the lives our difficult children are leading. None of us would make the decisions they're making. Detaching/disengaging myself from this kind of thinking was one of the most important thing I learned in therapy. I was constnatly saying, "how COULD she do such a stupid thing? I'd never do that!" or "how could she NOT take such a fantastic opportunity?! I'd never pass that up!" I'd even find opportunities FOR her.. I researched programs etc., made suggestions that I thought were brilliant, and then would be furious when she wouldn't take them or follow up. She always had an excuse. She wouldn't even take her son to the dentist... so *I* looked up all the information on which dentists took the state Medicaid porgram etc. and sent her the phone numbers She never took him (and still hasn't). I made msyelf crazy over all of it. I finally had to stop. None of that was my job. It was hers. </p><p></p><p>Accepting that my kids may never live the life I wanted for them, that I knew they were capable of, was darn hard. Because really, in many ways, they *aren't* capable of it. They're not programmed that way, becuase of genetics, mental illness, many reasons. Accepting that my grandkids may never have the kind of life I would want for them, was even harder. That hurts the most. But my daughters are adults.. making their own decisions about their own lives and their own families, and I have no say in any of it. Except when it comes to how they treat ME. That I have complete control over -- that is, I have control over whether or not I will accept certain behaviors, and what I'll do in reaction to them. Once I figured that out, it was pretty powerful stuff. I still slip, and Youngest in particular still knows how to push certain buttons, but I'm 100 times better than I have been in the past. </p><p></p><p>I'm glad you have so many positives in your life -- spend your energy there as much as you can. Don't work harder than she is, on "fixing" her. That's her job. </p><p></p><p>Oh, and you're not on Mars... she is ;-)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 551423, member: 1157"] OK, here's the biggest trap of all time when it comes to parenting a difficult child, especially an adult difficult child: trying to put ourselves in their shoes, and expecting them to act like we would in a certain situation. None of us would live the lives our difficult children are leading. None of us would make the decisions they're making. Detaching/disengaging myself from this kind of thinking was one of the most important thing I learned in therapy. I was constnatly saying, "how COULD she do such a stupid thing? I'd never do that!" or "how could she NOT take such a fantastic opportunity?! I'd never pass that up!" I'd even find opportunities FOR her.. I researched programs etc., made suggestions that I thought were brilliant, and then would be furious when she wouldn't take them or follow up. She always had an excuse. She wouldn't even take her son to the dentist... so *I* looked up all the information on which dentists took the state Medicaid porgram etc. and sent her the phone numbers She never took him (and still hasn't). I made msyelf crazy over all of it. I finally had to stop. None of that was my job. It was hers. Accepting that my kids may never live the life I wanted for them, that I knew they were capable of, was darn hard. Because really, in many ways, they *aren't* capable of it. They're not programmed that way, becuase of genetics, mental illness, many reasons. Accepting that my grandkids may never have the kind of life I would want for them, was even harder. That hurts the most. But my daughters are adults.. making their own decisions about their own lives and their own families, and I have no say in any of it. Except when it comes to how they treat ME. That I have complete control over -- that is, I have control over whether or not I will accept certain behaviors, and what I'll do in reaction to them. Once I figured that out, it was pretty powerful stuff. I still slip, and Youngest in particular still knows how to push certain buttons, but I'm 100 times better than I have been in the past. I'm glad you have so many positives in your life -- spend your energy there as much as you can. Don't work harder than she is, on "fixing" her. That's her job. Oh, and you're not on Mars... she is ;-) [/QUOTE]
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difficult child's joblessness is getting to me. Not sure where to go from here
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