difficult child's leaving - update

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Shari, Jul 28, 2007.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    difficult child 1 leaves for boot in a day.

    I have been blind, deaf, and dumb in dealing with him the past 7 weeks. If I don't, my blood boils. My goal has been to get him gone, and for us to part on a good note (we've had some "scraps" in the past few weeks - we should have had a lot more). He hasn't been home more than a couple hours in that time, he's spent $1500 (his money, not mine!), and I think he's drank most of it, he's taken groceries from the house to the tune of several hundred dollars worth to feed his buddies, I know he drives when he's been drinking (which I would stop if I could catch him), it just makes my skin crawl.

    He blew in this morning, cursed at the dog, ignored wee difficult child when he wanted a hug (been very cold to wee difficult child, and his leaving is breaking wee difficult child's heart), slammed 3 doors on his way to his bedroom, changed clothes, and left. Wee difficult child shouted "Love you big bro" and difficult child 1 replied "yeah, whatever".

    I'm ready for him to be gone. The only thing that makes me sad is that its breaking wee difficult child's heart. Other than that, I am cold. I think I'm putting up a good front, and I intend to keep track of his activities and write him letters while he's gone, etc, but I'm wondering how long it will take before I miss him. As of right now, it feels like its going to be a while. And that makes me feel slightly less than mother of the year...

    Thanks for listening.
     
  2. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    But don't you see...you ARE the Mother of the Year. You're doing what you feel is best to help him. The fact that it gives you a break in just a fringe benefit.

    To a degree we have all felt the way you do. It makes me laugh when I go to the bus stop in the afternoon on a Friday and all of the "Mom's of PCs" are saying "Thank God it's Friday" and I'm thinking "I can't wait til Monday"!

    Good luck, God Bless and don't feel like you have to judge yourself by the standards for Mom's that have been set by the perfect people in this world!

    :salute:

    Beth
     
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Awww Shari, dont be so hard on yourself. I imagine difficult child 1 is being a pain in the tushy more so right now because he is probably a bit scared of what is to come. Boys at this age dont process those things well. Even my son was a bit mouthy before he left. Ok...a LOT mouthy...lol.

    You will miss him. Not the aggravating difficult child behaviors but that little boy you loved. That boy that is locked away someplace inside him. That is who you will miss and worry about.

    He will be fine. You will be fine. Wee difficult child will be fine. Have wee difficult child start drawing pictures for his big brother. Hey...do you want me to get you a tee shirt for the little one? Just say the word because Jamie still has access to base privileges plus his friends are still active duty. I can get him a My Brother is a Marine shirt or you can order one online. Also...get little difficult child some of those GI Joes that are Marines...lol.

    Tell that big difficult child that we say congratulations and good luck.

    Semper Fi and Ooh Rah to both of you.
     
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Five will get you ten....he's scared. Ten will get you twenty...
    your feels are 100% normal for the circumstances! Sending hugs.
    DDD
     
  5. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Shari,
    my easy child son was just awful the summer before he left for college--I couldn't wait for him to leave either. I think he was scared but of course couldn't show it. Once he actually was gone I missed him terribly for awhile til I got used to him being gone. Sounds to me like his behavior is "normal" for a guy whether he is easy child or difficult child.
    Jane
     
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So, did he leave?

    I hope it went as well as it could.
     
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope his leaving went well. By now he has landed in San Diego and walked across those famous yellow footprints. They keep them pretty sleep deprived for the first couple of days so he will be a bit disoriented and scared out of his mind...lol.

    Have you received his hurried "I arrived ok" phone call yet? Treasure it, it will be the last time you will hear his voice for quite sometime if all goes well.

    The next thing you should receive is a post card or letter with his address. Do NOT send him anything but letters unless he specifically states that his DI asks for something. Do not fall for a letter or phone call from anyone asking for personal info on your son about what makes him tick. I had an email from my sons DI asking me what he was like as a child so he could "motivate" him better and so he wouldnt be as depressed in boot...lol. I just emailed back that I was confident that my son would do just fine and that I appreciated all the DI's help. You do not want to give anyone any ammo to torment your son. The guy also emailed my sons girlfriend asking for girly pics of her...lol. Not!

    Eventually you will probably be able to send him gatoraid and power bars when they ask for them. You might want to start stocking up on them now so it isnt a huge expense when the time comes. I sent cases of them at a time. You want to send enough for the whole platoon if you can so enlist friends and neighbors. I could also send cough drops but wait a bit before you send anything.

    There are fill in the blank letters that you can send him that make it quicker for him to mail you. Also...you can send him pre-addressed, stamped envelopes. I got a bunch of sticky labels and made address labels for his address and my address then stuck them on envelopes in either the sender or receiver places. If you want to send him any pictures, scan them in to the computer and put them on the backs of your letters. Also send him a gallon sized zip locked baggy to keep his letters in. That keeps his mail all together easier in his foot locker which gets dumped on a regular basis. If you want some Marine cartoons, let me know. I still have a few on my computer and can probably find the sites I used or just use google. I interspersed cartoons in with my letters because its hard to write a letter everyday.

    If you would like me to write to him, just say the word and I will.

    Oh...and if he doesnt write or you want to punish him for something...you can put something on the outside of your envelopes like hearts and flowers or even worse...."Go Army!" Otherwise dont put anything on the outside of your envelopes but the address. LOL.
     
  8. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    He's gone.

    It went as well as I perceive any of these type things going. There's no real good way to do this, difficult child or easy child. He had quite a crowd sending him off, which included myself, easy child 1, and wee difficult child; his bio mom and her husband and other kids (can you say SHOCKED?), grandpa on bio-dad's side, my niece (who is his favorite cousin) and 2 of her friends from school that they hung out with, and his girlfriend and her mom and sister.

    At the pre-ship meeting last week, wee difficult child just fell apart, and the recruiter, who I'm sure is used to seeing mom's and girlfriends break down, not cute little 5 year olds, fell apart with him - it took 20 minutes for them to regain composure. So yesterday, when wee difficult child walked in, he quickly grabbed him up and took him to the back office where they gave him 1 of every recruiting poster and a whole pile of baseball cards they'd brough in hopes of keeping him busy. They called him "water works" and said they didn't need him "helping" the rest of the room to tears again. lol So that was kinda funny.

    There was a party on Saturday night that I knew he was planning to attend. While I don't condone, I decided to drop in about 11, partly to see him and the buddies one last time, and partly to make sure he wasn't driving (and he wasn't, thank God). I am so glad I did, because even tho he was pretty tanked, the young man I raised was the young man at that party. After his tyrade Saturday morning, at least got one last glimpse at the "good" side of him, so he didn't leave with all negative in the forefront of my mind.

    Anyway, back to leaving, did the photo thing, everyone hugged him, even got an "I love you, mom" (tho quiet and manly and "distant"). His big brother kissed him. lol And amazingly, wee difficult child did fine (til we got home, and then he became wild man of the century - can you say "avoiding"? But we expected this, so we were prepared.) difficult child 1 was nervous, and he got pretty emotional at the party for a little while, but he was ready. I'd say with the meeting and everything, we were gone in less than an hour, and that was about 30 minutes too long for difficult child 1.

    Lots of tears, but I'm almost ashamed to say none were from me. And right now, even writing the letters is going to be work. I'm sure it will get "better", that I'll miss him and have more appropriate feelings, and that writing won't be a chore, but for now, all I feel is relief that for 13 weeks, he's someone else's problem, and he won't be drunk the entire time, and he won't be getting behind the wheel of a car, and...I could go on and on. And maybe, just maybe, by some grace of a higher power, he'll gain some insight, direction, respect, and dry out in that time. Lofty goal, I know, but I'm still allowed to hope.

    Currently, wee difficult child and easy child 2 share a room, and the plan has been to seperate them when difficult child 1 leaves (difficult child knows and is ok with this). I expected to at least let his sheets get cold, but I was ready to tackle it when I got home, so started in the disaster area and found plenty more reasons to reinforce that sense of relief. (the cell phone I've been missing since dad died, empty beer cans stashed in his laundry hampers, clothes that I'm sure are jacked, about 15 pairs of shoes that I know he didn't purchase (they might belong to other kids, I don't know - but THAT'S typical teenager)...) I wasn't going to wash his clothes for him, but some of them smelled so bad (especially the ones with the beers cans shoved in the hamper), I didn't want to contaminate anything else with their presence, and don't really feel like renting them their own storage unit, so I broke down and washed them.

    All in all, was a good day.

    Now, just waiting for time to do its thing.
     
  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    :bravo: :dance:

    Wahoo!!! difficult child is off to a new adventure and it is time for you to R E L A X !!!!!

    Roll your neck, roll your shoulders - take a deep breathe in.....and let it out. Now - go take a nap!

    Seriously, you will relax in a few days - and you DESERVE to. So, don't feel guilty about it.
     
  10. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I think I know that sense of relief--when my difficult child 1 went to her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) when she was 16 I remember getting to the airport for my trip home (from Utah to NY state) and I felt so relieved. I was relieved she was safe, she was not my responsibility for awhile and perhaps she would get the help she needed. I did not cry either, just felt a burden had been lifted.

    Hope you can enjoy your life now and don't feel guilty!!!

    Jane
     
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Well my heart broke for wee difficult child.

    I'm happy for you that is it over. I'm happy for him that it can be a fresh start.

    Ooh rah!
     
  12. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Oh I felt the tears come for wee one also... poor little thing.

    I know it doesn't count for much but i would give you a vote for mother of the year!!!

    Hang in there, cleanse the house of all of that negative bs for awhile.

    You did a great job!
     
Loading...