difficult child's lying

[susiestar]

Sweetie,

It really doesn't matter what his friends have. That is NOT what this is about. It is about your child and lying and the consequences. I really think, if everyone else has a cell phone, your son can be with-o one because someone else at whatever he is doing will have one.

As for having the games systems or computers, it is none of your business what his friends have or are allowed to do. It is your business what your son does. Your son LIES. Are you REALLY going to reward him by letting him keep these systems??? It really sends the message that it is OK if he lies and steals, go ahead, do it again.

As for your husband, I don't remember him ever being very supportive of your efforts with difficult child. Get to counselling with him to help get on the same page or with-o him to learn to live with being disrespected by your husband in front of your kids.

It is "normal" for a child to try lying at this age. BUT it is also "normal" for parents who care to have a very strong negative response.

I have a ??? for you. Why do you let your husband get away with not supporting you? why do you not DEMAND that he support you, or at least compromise reasonably with you. This is something you have mentioned a number of times. I think having you and husband on the same page would help your difficult child more than many other things you could do. right now your difficult child KNOWS he can get away with stuff like stealing because he KNOWS his dad will NOT back you up.

 

[katya02]

I have no new suggestions to add to those already given, i.e. get new credit card numbers, get rid of the game systems etc., and thank heaven that your computer is old and slow! Definitely check for Facebook and MySpace (especially) accounts. Take control now before the next few years go south, because based on your current situation they will.

I would also urge you to get counseling with husband and get on the same page. I do sympathize with your situation, since my husband has only gotten on the same page with me in the past week, and our difficult child is now 20. I've been sabotaged by husband for years - he would cancel punishments I'd given difficult child, and tell me that I'm a bad communicator when difficult child was lying. And then at times he'd strip difficult child's room and be very punitive. But difficult child always knew he could triangulate us and it made everything so much worse. So if your husband will go to any sort of counseling, please do it! Not being together on difficult child's issues will destroy all your attempts to manage him. I know.

Don't tolerate the lying. I used to get conned into difficult child's demand that I must have both courtroom-level evidence, and an explanation, for every confrontation. husband still struggles with that. Your difficult child will understand the simpler 'if A happens, then B'. You aren't required to explain your decision, nor must you pre-warn him of consequences (one of my difficult child's favorites. 'If I'd known you would do X, I wouldn't have done Y!').

If husband won't go to counseling, get counseling and support for yourself. It's going to be easy to get drawn into trying to 'manage' husband and your difficult child, and end up going crazy. Take care of yourself and let a therapist be your objective voice and reality check. {{hugs}}

 

[DammitJanet]

I asked my computer/gamer geek son about the Xbox thing and he said you can remove the credit card information and buy Xbox cards at stores. These are prepaid points cards. Now you do have to pay the monthly service fee for Xbox live but you can do that with the prepaid cards too. There is no reason to allow a minor access to your debit or credit cards.

Same with the cell phones. Call the carrier and explain the situation and you can put child locks on them.

 

[TerryJ2]

You've GOT to get your husband on the same page. Until we did that, nothing worked. And it's very confusing for the kids ... especially a difficult child.

You CAN block the phones, regardless whether they're on the same acct. It took me almost 4 mo's to get it straight with-my son--and it was MY cell phone he kept sneaking into his rm and playing games on!! and I wrote several letters (if you think a difficult child tests your patience, try a cell ph company rep. I think they only hire morons who read scripts).

So sorry.

by the way, I have redone days with-my son. By that, I mean that if I have a really crummy experience that does not fit at all with-my expectations, I do the whole thing all over again, sort of like Groundhog Day.

In your case, once things calm down again, say in 3 wks., plan a day at a waterpark ALONE with-him ... no video games, no friend, nada, just the two of you. You will remain by ea other's sides the entire time except for restrooms. keep it short--maybe 3 hrs--because face it, moms are not as exciting as teen friends--and tell him that this is a day for you, because he already had HIS day.
It may not work for you, but it has worked for me.

 

[OpenWindow]

We use the prepaid cards for our XBox - the boys get them for birthday or Christmas.

difficult child does not have a cell phone because he can't be trusted. He has taken easy child's cell phone (which my sister paid for and has on her account) and tried to download things and order subscriptions. My sister was able to call the phone company and have the charges canceled. We've caught difficult child both times and he had to do chores to make up for the money the charges (we didn't tell him the charges were cancelled).

Lying - I think it's normal for a teen to try to lie. My easy child does it every once in a while but difficult child does it constantly. easy child has learned that lying and getting caught is much worse than telling the truth in the first place, so he doesn't do it very often. difficult child doesn't learn. He still lies because he thinks I'll get mad. I've upped the consequences in the hopes that he will soon realize that lying definitely doesn't work. (husband never learned and still lies about the smallest things just to avoid an argument.)

Your husband needs to be on the same page with you - oh how I wish just saying those words would make it so. My husband would never back me up either, and still is not the best in that department. I got him to go to some of difficult children therapy sessions with me and we talked to the therapist about husband at least backing me up. It is better than before - he never changes any of my punishments anymore and tells them that if I say something, that's the way it is. They know they can't go to him to override my punishments. He may not agree with me, but he doesn't let them know that anymore. I'm still the disciplinarian in the house but at least he's not working against me anymore. If your husband won't agree to go to counseling with you, can you arrange a meeting with someone who sees difficult child to talk about your parenting techniques?

Linda

PS I like Terry's idea of a "do over."

 

[DazedandConfused]

And no excuses for difficult child, he is totally disrespectful, ungrateful and acting like a spoiled brat. But ALL his friends have cell phones, XBOX, PS2 or 3. All have season passes to six flags.All have computers and some have their own laptops. Yet most parents are divorced, most live in apartments. And most parents drive new vehicles. (we don't. FAR from it) I missed something somewhere. Cause we struggle to put gas in the car!

I'm having flashbacks of Daughter at that age!

We had some epic battles over what she wanted and what her friends (of course, it was EVERYBODY) had. Many were about what they were allowed to do also. At 13, her best friends mother was very permissive. This friend on her 13th birthday was allowed to have her belly button pierced. I also would not allow Daughter to wear thong underwear (she did some sneaking and lying in this area). This same friend, who's Mom received public assistance because she worked for cash under the table, and used two SS numbers, bought her, and her two sisters, all the latest gaming systems, constant trips to various amusement parks. Plus, season passes to the nearest water park. Then, when they turned 16, they were allowed to get tatoos. I can remember Daughter's intense jealousy whenever her friend would boast of the latest gadget her Mom (or one of her Moms latest boyfriends) bought her.

I did reason with her for a while. You know, Mom and Dad have a mortgage (not a section 8 subsidy). Mom and Dad are saving for our retirement. Mom and Dad think it's more important to put our money towards things that are meaningful. Mom and Dad would rather try and do family things. Believe me, Daughter got A LOT. Trip to Australia at 11, music camp twice, caravan camp to Yosemite and SF last summer. Yet, there was NO WAY I was going to be manipulated into buying XBOX, or PS3. Oh, Daughter used to whine about why we only have one car and why don't we get a new one like her friends that also happen to move around like gypsies.

I did finally get her a phone when she was 14 and made the honor roll in high school. But, I wrote before how I used it as leverage for her behavior. Same with her IPOD (an xmas present).

Now, because it's all about driving, she goes on about everybody else's parents buying cars for their kids. Now, I live in a community that has poverty and many people have a low socioeconomic status and we are in a better position financially that most families here, so I'm dubious of that. I am thinking about helping her (because my parents helped me), but if she thinks I'm going to go buy her a car, she's in for a big disappointment.

Of course, I have to admit I did finally break down and buy a Wii two weeks ago. Oh my, I think Son thought he died and went to heaven.

I'm not a COMPLETE monster, you know!


Seriously, don't get sucked into what they "all" have. A 13 year old boy isn't going to get it anyway. Save your energy for what he does get. Like no videos games and cellphone for lying. You give him what YOU want, when YOU want.

Honestly, I have no idea what to do with your husband. I know that many others have struggled getting their's on the same page. My husband pretty much goes along with me. If he "cancelled" any consequences, or punishments, I had metted out-I don't know. I probably would have had a meltdown to rival the meltdowns of a thousand difficult children. Enraged wouldn't even begin to describe what I would have felt. I also know that my marriage would have been threatened. That alone would get my husband's attention.

I feel for you.