difficult child's nonsense spanned 2000km this Christmas.

[welcometowitsend]

So husband, easy child and I went to Florida for Christmas, as planned. For the most part we had a great time. It was fun, peaceful and mostly difficult child free. It took 3 days to drive there with the trailer and on the third day I get a text from difficult child asking for the code for the lock to the house.

I immediately call him to ask why he needs the code. "Oh, I just need to get some t-shirts from the house and then I'll be on my way. " Red sirens are going off in my head. I call my parents to go over to the house immediately (thankfully they only live 5 minute away) and tell difficult child to wait and they will let him in. "Oh, nevermind difficult child says, Granny & Poppy (husband's parents live in an apartment attached to our house) forgot to lock their door when they went out so I'll just go in through their place." I said no, wait for my parents to arrive. He called my parents and told them I said not to bother showing up. In the meantime he has lied to both husband and myself that he is alone and just coming to get some clothes.

My parents show up and difficult child is livid. He is in his room, swearing, screaming, carrying on. I'm on the phone with my mom and difficult child will not speak to me and refuses to leave the house. He has his girlfriend hidden in the house and we all know it, tell him we're not mad but he needs to leave. More swearing, screaming etc.. So I said tell him he has 10 minutes to get himself together and get out and if he doesn't then call the police. Ugh. So, I guess his girlfriend convinced him that they should listen and they left.

He spent many nights mooching at my parents place. They let him stay there and picked him up and drove him around whenever he felt like it. I don't agree with that but I wasn't home.

difficult child barely communicated with me while we were away and when he did he was short with me and rude.

And apparently he got a tattoo while we were away. I'm kind of mad about this because I believe he used the money we gave him for rent (when he supposedly had found an apartment) to pay for part of the tattoo. He hasn't been working. Wouldn't be surprised if they fired him. But he bought plenty of gifts for his girlfriend for Christmas, the tattoo and was out at the movies on the night we got home from our trip.

When we got back I told him I was disappointed about the tattoo but that he has the right to make his own decisions (even though whoever tattoo'd him did it illegally because he's only 16 and didn't have parental consent) even if I don't agree with them. I also told him that breaking into my home with his girlfriend was disrespectful and that I was not happy about it.

So, now that I've confronted him he is no longer speaking to me. That's ok, I'll get a few days peace, I guess.

 

[DaisyFace]

Wow! Good for you for enforcing boundaries while away on your trip!

As for difficult child? Well....

 

[rejectedmom]

I used to hate comming home from vacation because I knew I would find out all the bad things my difficult children had been into and the peaceful relaxed feeling woud be squashed. I'm glad you had a good time and that you had backup at home. -RM

 

[Nancy]

Good for you to be on your toes and good for your parents not believing him. We never let difficult child in our house alone either, changed the garage door codes and never let her have a key.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

I'm sorry but I am a little confused here. Your son is only 16? Where does he live if he doesn't live with you?

~Kathy

 

[JJJ]

Kathy,

Witz is in Canada. Sadly, kids can move out at 16 and parents have no recourse.

 

[recoveringenabler]

WTW, good job of running interference between your home and your difficult child's plans to 'party down' in your home while you were away. Your story is almost comical in his desires to be on his own while he demonstrates very young behavior in the lying, mooching and tantrums. I like your attitude, yes, enjoy the peace for a few days until the next round of youthful antics surface..................you're doing a really good job in boundary setting even from a distance!

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Kathy,

Witz is in Canada. Sadly, kids can move out at 16 and parents have no recourse.

Here, when our daughter ran away at 15, the police said there was nothing they could do. Funny that we have to go through the eviction process here, though, huh? (which I never knew about until you mentioned it). They also told me these kids are adults at 17...

 

[welcometowitsend]

Kathy - Yes, here they can leave home at 16 and we have no say. We did ask him to leave because of his behaviour. He was basically pushing so far and so hard that he gave us no choice - I think that was his intention - to get kicked out so he could collect student welfare. If he didn't get kicked out they wouldn't give him welfare. As it stands he can't get it anyway because of his school attendance so he's shot himself in his own foot so to speak.

As far as where he lives. He's a couch surfer right now. He has a few different friends that he stays with, he crashed with my parents a few times over Christmas, he's stayed in a homeless shelter and he's slept in an ATM vestibule. We have told him that if he wants to follow our few rules he is welcome to come home - he doesn't want to. He's having fun, apparently.

Daisy - Thank you
Rejected - That is exactly how I felt. I didn't realize how quickly it would come back into play after we got home. It was less than 3 hours. Ugh.
Nancy - We changed all of our locks too, unfortunately my father in law went out and left his door unlocked and that's how difficult child got in. I don't think he'll do that again.
RE - It is funny how difficult child doesn't see that while he thinks he is mature and independent he truly isn't. But I guess that's part of his immaturity - the inability to see the error of his thinking.
Patriots - Wow, I thought 16 was young. At 15 we still have the power to send them to a program or residential school and have them picked up by police as runaways.

husband and I went to a support group meeting last night. I found them online and he agreed to go with me. After the first 4 minutes we knew we were in the right place. All parents with children similar to ours who are either in the midst of things or trying to keep things from escalating or coming out the other side. Some sad stories and some hopeful ones. Each week you go everyone gives a 2 minute update and then break off into small groups to work on plans for each family for that week. husband and I have homework this week - Read 5 chapters of the book we bought. I think it's called Parenting Your Acting Out Teenager. Make a list of Life Piles - these are things that difficult child does that bother, annoy, upset us - then we decide whose pile they are - his or ours. They are only ours if they directly hurt of affect us immediately or in the future. And we have to call someone for support - even just to talk - this is to get us into the habit of calling to ask questions and seeking out help from others.

There is no blame on the parents - our children are responsible for their own behaviour. And, there is no asking "Why?" - most of the time because the difficult child logic doesn't make sense so asking why doesn't help us understand or change anything. Basically it is "What can we do as parents, how can we change the way we act or speak to difficult child in order to change our relationship with him." It's also about taking our lives back, being happy, pursuing our own goals, etc.. I think this is going to be so great for us.

 

[DaisyFace]

That sounds like a neat support group! Too bad you are not anywhere near me....I'd love to join you!

 

[recoveringenabler]

WTW, what a terrific support group, I'm so happy you found it. I know my support group keeps me sane and makes a huge difference in my life. I love the 'life piles' funny how the pile usually ends of on the difficult child side of the ledger! I especially love the not asking 'why' that is such a killer for us parents. Good job!