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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 630434" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>that is ths crux of it. That is where I am trying to go..to see that path, and keep my feet on it with sureness. </p><p></p><p> </p><p>And I loved with disdain. </p><p></p><p> </p><p>that is completely lovely, and moved me deeply. thank you for doing that, and for telling me.</p><p> </p><p>So difficult child continues to do better than usual..I can't say well because uh, he is staying at my house sleeping in his brothers room, has no work today and $30 in his pocket. If he is still here on Sunday he'll have to move to his sister's old room. He wanted to sleep in the large room with the TV and separate bathroom in the basement (it is our entertainment area but rarely used) but I said no...a little too comfy and independent down there. Right now he is right down the hall from me. On the other hand he worked Monday and Tuesday, went to two AA meetings both days, and came home last night after his AA meeting and asked about chores for today.</p><p>I paid for his prescription for lithium and abilify, and paid for his copay for outpatient rehab which starts today (he went to his intake on Monday). I haven't given him any other money, nor is he paying anything towards living at home (just for full disclosure). </p><p> </p><p>He doesn't have a key to the house, can only come in when one of us can let him in .</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>I am practicing refraining, bolstered by daily feedback from you all. I ALMOST gave him money for doing chores today...but I did not (I left him a note asking him to do about 90 minutes of stuff around the house and one errand).</p><p> </p><p>He asked me to go to the family meeting at rehab on Saturday (MORE FAMILY MEETINGS!!) I said "maybe" but I think I will hold off..once he has gone for a couple of weeks I'll engage, but not before then.</p><p> </p><p>I ALMOST bought him a phone card so he has unlimited minutes and texts for at least a few days...but I didn't</p><p> </p><p>I have learned better how to pause, again, thanks in large part to the emphasis on that here.</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>I am still detached. I feel like I am looking at this from a distance, fairly cooly (as opposed to coldly). I do feel myself falling into old patterns several times a day, but the practice of detachment, and the agony and exercise of finally deciding to completely remove myself from his life unless he tried to change..those help me be cool and make cool headed decisions more slowly.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>Yes yes yes. And yet.. a lifetime of good behavior has to start with two weeks. I am trying to tread the balance of gently supporting him if this happens to be the beginning of a lifetime!</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>This is a very very sore point with me, and I have a tendency to ge nasty at the drop of a hat with difficult child when this comes up. When he was 17 I spent the whole year rallying resources...got him a caseworker, medicaid, SSI, foodstamps because of his disability. I got him job readiness evaluation and training, and therapy, all because of his disability. It took me a year of patient phone calls, meetings, forms, follow-up, more of the same, dead ends, over and over. And finally...I had it all in place.</p><p> </p><p>Since then he has lost it all by....failing to meet his caseworker for weeks on end...changing his address for SSI to a place that provides that service for the homeless, then not responding to social security for annual updates...not sure what happened to foodstamps but they've been gone for some time..</p><p> </p><p>So honeslty, I am VERY MAD AT HIM for wasting all that effort. Whenever he brings up that he needs my help reinstating SSI I flip out..."this is why I got you a caseworker...blah blah blah". he gets the deer in headlights look, I get a drink, and it all goes nowhere. I need to figure out how to deal with that particular trigger.</p><p> </p><p>I did call his old caseworker agency and talked to the head (I AM IN DANGER OF ENABLING) to see if his case could be reopened..she gave me cause for hope and also said sh'e look into appropriate housing options for him..she was always pretty great, and actually remembered him from two years ago because of difficult child's sweetness and SO's charm (SO dealt with caseworkers for his mom, for whom he was the sole caretaker despite her floridly psychotic bipolar disorder) from when he was 13 on...he loves them and really shows his appreciation).</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>That particular nice lady has come and gone, as they all do. she was part of his inpatient stay, but no follow up. My challenge..or is it difficult child's challenge how? Is to find the new "nice lady". I made a stab at that by calling his old agency. He claims to have a caseworker at the local crisis center..he says he is going to see her today and ask about SSI etc....we'll see (says Echo, feeling cynical)</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>This made me laugh. thanks for that!</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>I have seen him talking this talk before, but this really does feel a bit different..he is a bit older, has a bit more experience of rough living..it does feel like a new day.</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>I do feel he is sincere. Today. One of his notable characteristics is complete inability to stick to a plan once the going gets frustraing, slow, or rough....so we will see.</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>this is a good idea (why am I so slow sometimes?) i did some googling yestarday. We were talking about halfway houses and transitional living places, but this sounds better. Thank you!</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>He absolutely needs and craves friends. If he doesn't find them through AA, living, or work, he will indeed find some nice junkies who accept his weirdenss because they are too stoned to notice.</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>This is kind of where I am headed, after taking in all of your thoughts and comments. IF he continues to toe the line I will continue to let him stay with me day by day while we look for suitable housing. when this started I was going to toss him into the first transition house I could find...but I want to take time , move slow, let him do the bulk of the work, and see if we can find something lasting.</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>He would like that reassurance.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 630434, member: 17269"] that is ths crux of it. That is where I am trying to go..to see that path, and keep my feet on it with sureness. And I loved with disdain. that is completely lovely, and moved me deeply. thank you for doing that, and for telling me. So difficult child continues to do better than usual..I can't say well because uh, he is staying at my house sleeping in his brothers room, has no work today and $30 in his pocket. If he is still here on Sunday he'll have to move to his sister's old room. He wanted to sleep in the large room with the TV and separate bathroom in the basement (it is our entertainment area but rarely used) but I said no...a little too comfy and independent down there. Right now he is right down the hall from me. On the other hand he worked Monday and Tuesday, went to two AA meetings both days, and came home last night after his AA meeting and asked about chores for today. I paid for his prescription for lithium and abilify, and paid for his copay for outpatient rehab which starts today (he went to his intake on Monday). I haven't given him any other money, nor is he paying anything towards living at home (just for full disclosure). He doesn't have a key to the house, can only come in when one of us can let him in . I am practicing refraining, bolstered by daily feedback from you all. I ALMOST gave him money for doing chores today...but I did not (I left him a note asking him to do about 90 minutes of stuff around the house and one errand). He asked me to go to the family meeting at rehab on Saturday (MORE FAMILY MEETINGS!!) I said "maybe" but I think I will hold off..once he has gone for a couple of weeks I'll engage, but not before then. I ALMOST bought him a phone card so he has unlimited minutes and texts for at least a few days...but I didn't I have learned better how to pause, again, thanks in large part to the emphasis on that here. I am still detached. I feel like I am looking at this from a distance, fairly cooly (as opposed to coldly). I do feel myself falling into old patterns several times a day, but the practice of detachment, and the agony and exercise of finally deciding to completely remove myself from his life unless he tried to change..those help me be cool and make cool headed decisions more slowly. Yes yes yes. And yet.. a lifetime of good behavior has to start with two weeks. I am trying to tread the balance of gently supporting him if this happens to be the beginning of a lifetime! This is a very very sore point with me, and I have a tendency to ge nasty at the drop of a hat with difficult child when this comes up. When he was 17 I spent the whole year rallying resources...got him a caseworker, medicaid, SSI, foodstamps because of his disability. I got him job readiness evaluation and training, and therapy, all because of his disability. It took me a year of patient phone calls, meetings, forms, follow-up, more of the same, dead ends, over and over. And finally...I had it all in place. Since then he has lost it all by....failing to meet his caseworker for weeks on end...changing his address for SSI to a place that provides that service for the homeless, then not responding to social security for annual updates...not sure what happened to foodstamps but they've been gone for some time.. So honeslty, I am VERY MAD AT HIM for wasting all that effort. Whenever he brings up that he needs my help reinstating SSI I flip out..."this is why I got you a caseworker...blah blah blah". he gets the deer in headlights look, I get a drink, and it all goes nowhere. I need to figure out how to deal with that particular trigger. I did call his old caseworker agency and talked to the head (I AM IN DANGER OF ENABLING) to see if his case could be reopened..she gave me cause for hope and also said sh'e look into appropriate housing options for him..she was always pretty great, and actually remembered him from two years ago because of difficult child's sweetness and SO's charm (SO dealt with caseworkers for his mom, for whom he was the sole caretaker despite her floridly psychotic bipolar disorder) from when he was 13 on...he loves them and really shows his appreciation). That particular nice lady has come and gone, as they all do. she was part of his inpatient stay, but no follow up. My challenge..or is it difficult child's challenge how? Is to find the new "nice lady". I made a stab at that by calling his old agency. He claims to have a caseworker at the local crisis center..he says he is going to see her today and ask about SSI etc....we'll see (says Echo, feeling cynical) This made me laugh. thanks for that! I have seen him talking this talk before, but this really does feel a bit different..he is a bit older, has a bit more experience of rough living..it does feel like a new day. I do feel he is sincere. Today. One of his notable characteristics is complete inability to stick to a plan once the going gets frustraing, slow, or rough....so we will see. this is a good idea (why am I so slow sometimes?) i did some googling yestarday. We were talking about halfway houses and transitional living places, but this sounds better. Thank you! He absolutely needs and craves friends. If he doesn't find them through AA, living, or work, he will indeed find some nice junkies who accept his weirdenss because they are too stoned to notice. This is kind of where I am headed, after taking in all of your thoughts and comments. IF he continues to toe the line I will continue to let him stay with me day by day while we look for suitable housing. when this started I was going to toss him into the first transition house I could find...but I want to take time , move slow, let him do the bulk of the work, and see if we can find something lasting. He would like that reassurance. [/QUOTE]
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