difficult child's school "outfit"

[ksm]

Today, she never came down early - just ran to the car after easy child and I were waiting to leave. She was wearing short shorts. WHere we live it was probably 20 degrees F. COLD. I made her go and change and she slammed the car door. The perfect way to start the day.

Last night, she asked if a guy friend could stop by the house tonight. We have told her in the past we were open to that, but this is a kid that is probably a bigger difficult child than she is. She has been talking about him for a while, she says they are just good friends. And she is friends with his girl friend. But she didn't ask to invite him and her. Luckily, she got asked to babysit tonight, so we don't have to voice a decision.

This is the same "friend" who got "engaged" to his 9th grade girl friend because she thought she was pregnant. Turned out to be a false alarm. And, by looking on his fb page, I know that she knows he smokes pot, or likes to say he does to brag about being stoned.

Just the type of guy I want hanging out at my house. I am afraid she is going to go down the same path as her biomom, with drugs, pregnancy, etc. I could just scream. SHe doesn't see any connection to what is wrong with hanging out with him... "because she is just friends with him" and she isn't going to do anything "stupid". I really think she has a crush on him... as a couple weeks ago she was bragging that he gave her three hugs at school... when I mentioned his pregnant girlfriend... she just acted like it was no big deal.

All these red flags... and she can't see them... KSM

 

[DaisyFace]

Sadly, I think this is a case of "difficult children will find each other"...

Your daughter is a difficult child with difficult child thinking patterns - and she finds commonality with this difficult child guy, who undoubtedly has similar logic and reasoning.

If I were in your shoes - (and I have been) - I would ABSOLUTELY invite him over. And I would ask him lots of questions - politely, of course - but I would ask him how he does in school, and what are his ambitions after highschool, and "difficult child tells me you have a girlfriend...?"

Afterward, you can discuss his answers with your daughter...

 

[dstc_99]

I'm with DF on this one! Better to know the enemy than to not. While I wouldn't like it either I would allow him to visit and find out as much as I could about him.

 

[ksm]

Guess what? I would bet $100 that she just put jeans on over the short shorts... and that she is parading around school today in them right now. husband and I was discussing whether go to the school and have her called to the office... but I just don't have the emotional energy to do it right now. We just checked her room, and the shorts are nowhere to be found... and every other item of clothing she has worn this week is either on the floor, the bed or the chair. So tired of this. Why would anyone want to wear short shorts when it is below freezing out? I guess when I pick her up I will ask her to go to her room and hand me the shorts and see what happens. I know she will be in jeans when she comes out of the school. KSM

 

[ksm]

well, didn't have to wait til after school... difficult child called from school and needed a check for her choir trip deposit... and she says the shorts are in her back pack... that she took them to change in to, but changed her mind. So tired of this drama. Not sure what is appropriate reaction to this. She always tries to dress provacatively, and even though I don't buy those types of clothes, she finds ways to rearrange what she is wearing... KSM

 

[dstc_99]

Its sad but all you can do is make sure she leaves in something you approve of. Hopefully school guidelines will keep her from going too far!

 

[ksm]

Unfortunately, the high school does not have much of a dress code. At least in junior high, tank tops had to have 3 finger widths across the shoulder, shorts were not to be shorter than your fingers when your arms are down to your side. There was also a no butt/boob/belly showing rule. At high school, girls wear strapless and halter tops, tummies are hanging out... and I mean Hanging! out for some girls, along with butt cheeks. Jeans are shredded.

I am just scared and sad. I know that part of this is typical teen... I could live with the shorts if it was the least bit hot outside... but where we live it is very cold. And wearing such clothing when it is below below freezing out is just sending out the wrong message. KSM

 

[greenrene]

I'm having visions of somehow making it so she is "stuck" standing outside in those short shorts while the rest of you are dressed warmly... Ooooops!

 

[DDD]

I hate to add another worry because obviously you have your hands full...but...difficult child babysitters are fairly well known for having "company" after the kid is down for the night. Sigh!

Did you say "NO" dress code? Good Grief, let me guess, it's a violation of the teenagers rights? Wow Hugs DDD

 

[susiestar]

I would do what a friend of mine did with all her daughter's. She periodically went into their rooms and any clothing that she felt was inappropriate got cut apart with scissors so it couldn't be worn. She just left them in the drawer or on the hanger or in the pile with the sides cut so they could not be worn ever again. Her oldest daughter had a fit and then her mom went in and cut every item she didn't like that way. Told her oldest that if she hadn't had the fit it would only have been the inappropriate clothing, but now the girl could dress like her mommy picked all her clothes out until she earned enough at a job to replace them. Clothes from friends? Better be appropriate or you could explain to your friend why it was in pieces. Stolen clothes? She called the cops, who called the stores and the stores pressed charges. Her girls didn't do the stolen clothing because she told them they would have fines, records, and if you had a record you had to move out on your 18th birthday. Not the day after, not after you graduated, they were not housing people with police records. It worked for them. I have cut some of the things J has acquired and thought were 'okay' for around the house that weren't. I never pretended that I didn't cut them.

I found it saved my friend a ton of hassle and debate. She just went in and did it when the kid wasn't home. If the kid complained a lot, well, t got worse cause if Mom isn't happy, you are not happy either in her home.

As for school dress code, I wouldn't worry about it. make your own, destroy clothing that doesn't fit your dress code, and do not apologize for expecting more of your child than the bare minimum.

 

[ksm]

I hate to add another worry because obviously you have your hands full...but...difficult child babysitters are fairly well known for having "company" after the kid is down for the night. Sigh!Did you say "NO" dress code? Good Grief, let me guess, it's a violation of the teenagers rights? Wow Hugs DDD

Luckily, the house is 1/2 block away and she is only working from after school to around 7pm. So we can keep an eye on it.

I checked out the school dress code... and it just says "not to show an inappropriate amount of skin" ie: midriff, sagging pants... And it prohibits clothing or jewelry that is obscene, has drugs, alcohol or cigarettes or sexual references . Oh, and shoes are required.

 

[TerryJ2]

Arrgh! How DO they find one another? Just like my difficult child.
Shorts in the middle of winter. Yep. I suppose she argued that she was wearing shoes, and her midriff wasn't showing.

by the way, Susiestar, my kids have always traded clothes with-their friends, so taking clothes away only works to a point. Even difficult child and his girlfriend share clothes! Both I and her mom have confronted them about it.

She even painted his toenails pink just before we left for Christmas.

 

[ksm]

well now we are in total meltdown mode. Tried to have a talk with difficult child about the shorts... then taking them to school with her... and she lost it. She is never contrite, sorry, remorseful or any mood but DEFIANT! This is her reasoning... "I knew you would go look for them, so I took them to school with me so you wouldn't find them even though I wasn't going to wear them!" I point out that on the phone when she called asking me to bring a check for school, she said they were in her back pack and she changed her mind about changing in to them.

We tried to talk to her, but she kept texting her friends on her iPod, so we asked her to put it down until we were finished and she tossed it across the room. Of course, this is the room with carpet. Then she refused to talk or stay in the room with us and started to stomp off, so we asked for the iPod and she refused, then ran upstairs and slammed the door to her bedroom. I unplugged the wifi so she wouldn't be able to text her friends. husband was going to take the door off (what we have threatened to do when she slams it) but I talked him in to waiting to see if she was going to calm down. NOPE. So now door is off. We have the iPod. SHe is saying she can't sleep in a room without a door, so will have to sleep in her closet. I am trying to stay out of it. At least he hasn't lost his temper and is talking nicely to her.

Oh, she finally took off her sweatshirt and she was wearing a tiny halter top underneath! I now realize that the shorts were only the beginning of the outfit. Who would do that in 20 degree weather? Just once I would like her to listen to our reasons and come up with a compromise, or at least admit she was wrong or over reacted. Nope. Hasn't happened in the last 8 years. KSM

 

[TerryJ2]

Sounds so familiar! I'm sorry.
Glad the door is off and the iPod is confiscated. Followthrough is good.
I hope she calms down and realizes that you are not going to cut her any slack, and that YOU two are the ones in charge, not her.
Did you say she was on medications?

 

[greenrene]

Gosh that sounds SO much like what my difficult child would do, it's scary! Wow. She throws things too.

I would absolutely, definitely follow susiestar's suggestion and take the scissors to unacceptable clothes. That child needs to be shown in no uncertain terms that SHE IS NOT the boss of the house, there are rules that must be followed, and she can get over herself if she doesn't like it.

Unfortunately, I know firsthand how that's easier said than done. Hang in there.

 

[greenrene]

Also, we have a rule around here that says if you throw it in anger, you lose it for a set amount of time. If you throw it and it breaks, well sorry about your luck.

 

[ksm]

Did you say she was on medications?

We have tried medications before (three or four different ones) and except for when she was younger, it just escalated things.

Last night, she made a big deal of how she CAN NOT sleep in a room without a door - because of privacy issues! Which is odd, cause I don't know how many times I have closed the blinds as she is changing clothes. We have a story and a half home - and there are two bedrooms upstairs with a bathroom in the middle. So you go up the stairs, her room is on the right, the bathroom door is straight ahead, and little sis's room is to the left. So since she CAN NOT sleep in a room without a door... she slept in the closet. The closet is a walk in, but it is over the garage and very chilly in there. But once she says something like that she will do it just to prove that she CAN NOT sleep in a room with out a door. KSM

 

[ksm]

I would absolutely, definitely follow susiestar's suggestion and take the scissors to unacceptable clothes. That child needs to be shown in no uncertain terms that SHE IS NOT the boss of the house, there are rules that must be followed, and she can get over herself if she doesn't like it.
.

I wouldn't say that the shorts were inappropriate and needs to be torn up... they are just inappropriate to wear when it is 20 degrees out. Tank tops that are too low get tossed. The problem is - both girls have 5 or 6 camisoles that are meant to be worn under shirts or things that are low cut, but then she will take off the top layer and is left with just camisole. I am just so tired of saying, put on more clothes. I guess if she doesn't shape up, the camisoles are gone next.

Last summer I bought a cute pair of PJ's for her - and when we bought them - I explained that these were for sleeping in - and not to be worn around the house or outside. So last week, her BFF and her decided to play Wii Just Dance... and they went up and changed in to the shorty PJ's (both of them did!) then thought they could run around the house in them in front of husband and I. Of course we made them both go change and they complained that it was too hot to dance. Well, we keep our house at 68 so I know that isn't true. Opened the windows and they complained real fast that it was too cold.

I just get tired of stuff... we were considering letting her have a cell phone, that she pays for, and one of the stipulations is that if she broke a rule, she could be grounded from the phone for a specified amount of time. Well, last night, when we asked for the ipod, we immediately got "I paid for it, it is mine, I am not giving it to you, you can't take things that I bought, yada yada yada" So, long time before we will reconsider a pay as you go cell phone for her! KSM