difficult child's therapist appointment.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Jan 24, 2009.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I really didn't want to bring difficult child to his appointment, embarrassed about how our meeting was the previous night.

    So, my head is pounding, I do not feel good. difficult child had 1/2 day of school. Had two finals that day. He came out of school on cloud nine. Running to the car - did well on both finals, passed both classes with C's. One class, engineering was an F a week ago, so I was relieved. Didn't realize how relieved difficult child was. He was estatic. But two more finals the next day. Algebra I and Biotech/honors. Tough classes. Biotech is insanely hard. difficult child was so upset after the science fair. He got a B on his project, which was to be 10% of his grade, and with that B, his grade was a D. So the final would determine whether he passed or not. So on the way to therapist, I told him I don't want to fight about studying, but this final will determine whether he gets a credit or not. He SCREAMS at me. He says I just spent all morning in school taking tests, I am NOT going to study for hours. I am just not going to do it. This is MY day off. I didn't yell, I only said that this is it. Don't you think you can put in whatever time you need to pass this class and he shouldn't limit himself on how long to study, you study as long as it takes. (he has no idea how to study) He had review sheets, many. I told him I would help him find the answers and then we could go over it. Nope, didn't want my help.

    Ok - get to the tdocs office. therapist comes out and says hi to difficult child. Then says, "Kathy can I see you please". Great, just what I DIDN;t want.
    He first asked how I was. Then said "if you two could of seen a video of yourselves you would say OMG" I replied I know. Then he drew a diagram for me. Parent, Adult, Child. Said everyone has all three of these running around inside of them. But you two do not communicate or act like Adult to Adult. Instead, YOU are the Parent, and HE is the child. He feels threatened everytime you say anything, thus his remarks. He is fighting back as a child. I asked about the phone thing. He said he did comment three times but we didn't hear. It is unacceptable. He said he did not want to address that last night because it would of taken the entire time and it was important for him to see how we interact. BOY did he!

    He said he has three boys. And there is NO way they even have a Victoria Secret cataloge in there home, not even during xmas season. It is just unacceptable and they will not have it available for the boys.

    He asked me if I looked at any of the video's myself. Now that I have his phone. I said no. He asked why. My reply was because I don't know how. Later I realized that is not true. I can figure it out. The real reason is because it hurt me, crushed me when I found out what he was viewing that I didn't want to be hurt again when I saw it.

    He asked what kind of parents/upbringing husband had. I said no parents. Mom left when he was three. Dad remarried, she left with their two girls when husband was 11 or 12. His dad was a drunk and beat the kids as well as his wives. husband's brother joined the service but when he was to be sent to vietnam he went awol. husband was 13. His dad died shortly after in a drunken one care accident. He had nobody. BUT THAT WAS 40 years ago. Come on.

    therapist wrote all that down, then took difficult child in. When they came out after their session he asked if he had time to do an inventory. I said sure. So the other counselor, that I see, his wife...took him in a room with a desk, got him some water. therapist said if he doesn't want to finish today it is ok, he can do it another time. So, difficult child starts on the first one. I am making appointments. therapist said he wanted husband and I back asap, same with difficult child.

    Well, no openings for two weeks for either of us. Working on appointments and difficult child comes out. Done with one and gives it to her. Then he starts to go back into the room. Out of her sight but looks at me and starts yelling at me. "I just spent all morning taking finals and I really didn't expect to come here and take tests...etc" I looked up and said, then DON't. She gets up and goes to talk to him, shuts the door. Comes out by me and says he is working on it but now he is afraid you will yell at him when you leave. I told her HE will NOT be allowed to speak to me this way. So, difficult child gets done. walks right by me into her office. They are talking and call me in. We talk about a study plan for the night. He is yelling at me. So, she says OK, YOU decide when you want to start to study. Without mom haveing to remind you. without mom having to get out your papers. And mom...you don't bother him. Deal??? difficult child then states how he is NOT going to study for hours. OK, go home.

    difficult child calls a neighbor boy over and they are playing computer games. 5pm rolls around and he does go get his papers and book. But he wants friend to stay. difficult child goes in his room but doesn't start. talking to friend about game. complaining about how hard it is. husband gets home and I told him what our deal was, and neighbor boy needs to go. husband tells boy to go home. difficult child flips out. Then starts his studying. Whining, complaining about how hard it is. I go in there to see if he wants something to eat. He has the GAME up. I just looked at him...so he starts complaining again. Actually crying real tears. I asked if he wanted help. He find the answers, I'll type. Or I'll start on another paper and we can go over it later. NO, doesn't want that. Ok. I leave. I can hear him crying and yelling.

    Picked him up from school at noon Friday. All finals are complete. He comes out and says his final grade in Algebra is a C or C+ but he was going back in to have biotech correct his final. I am in the car afraid of what he will be like if he comes out and has failed. about 15 minutes later he comes out running to the car, smiling from ear to ear. 85% on final.

    I did ask him which day of the week he wants me to check his progress reports this coming quarter. Because I will only check once a week. However any missing assignments will be done before any computer or games. He said Wednesdays. HE said if he would of done all his assignments last quarter he could of EASILY passed with all A's.
    So, I said let this be a goal. Do your assignments daily and you won't have to spend the last two weeks of the quarter trying to pass a class.

    We'll see how it goes.

    Oh, I asked him what therapist and he discussed. He said, I don't know. But he showed me some relaxation techniques. Told me some.

    So we are all relieved here. First semester if High school done. Credits all earned. An entire new schedule next semester. With the block schedule they earn credits at semester. Next semester he has Algebra II, US History, English and Computer applications.

    And he hasn't had detention or been talked to or in trouble since first week in October.....That's a record. But now we start with new teachers and that is always tough. They usually are not aware of IEP, and difficult child will push his limits again to see how far he can go.

    Sorry so long. So much going on with ME/US that I totally, completely forgot easy child's birthday is Monday. It is his GOLDEN birthday and I didn't even know. difficult child told me.
  2. artana

    artana New Member


    It sounds like progress in a positive direction. I am very happy for you. I am also glad that the therapist does have control over the situation and thinks he might be able to help you. *hugs*. You go. You demonstrated so much courage in getting this far with it.:)
  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    therapist sound really good. She is trying to take some stress off you and give difficult child a bit of control while at the same time telling him that he needs to study and do his work. It is a balancing act she needs to gain his trust but at the same time teach him limits and boundries and the proper way to challenge you the parent. Kids must challenge us in order to grow and gain independance but your difficult child (and many like him) have not learned the proper way to do this with respect and logical thought. We as parents of a barely functioning child have a hard time letting go of trying to control and prevent bad outcomes. The therapist needs to establish guidlines for both you and difficult child in order to make any progress. Try to keep an open mind. It is hard for the parent especially when you are having real misgivings based on past history.

    As far as the adult marriage counseling goes, I think the therapist is doing really well and asking the right questions. Hopefully he will be able to help your husband deal with the lack of a childhood and his arrested emotional growth now that knows the how and why of it. I hope your husband sticks with it. It will be so good for him to go back and resolve those horrid issues with an adult mind. My husband was only able to get through a few of them but even so he is that much better for it. Like I said in my other post to the thread in WC, Hang in there. -RM
  4. ML

    ML Guest

    You are in the best possible place right now. The hardest part is bringing these ghosts to the light of day. Being part of dysfunctional dynamics in the past (working out of them currently) I have some paricular insights here. Others have said all of this to you so I'm not telling you anything new. But number 1 is taking care of yoursef and detaching from the responsibilties of husband and difficult child. This pattern has gone on a long time but with therapy, practice (and I hope it's ok to say prayer) what feels like a miracle is possible.

    husband has been going to AA for 4.5 months now and the changes are slowly taking place. I have to keep with alanon though or I tend to get involved with his stuff which is toxic to all of us.

    A lot of healing needs to take place, for all of you. First step is recognizing the problem which your therapist is helping with. You are THERE. It is exciting to see you at this point and I have hope for you.

    If you ever want to talk, pm me. Love, ML
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    After reading the thread on the WC and then this one, you seem so overwhelmed with having to take all the resopnsibilities for house, difficult child, financial stuff (with the exception of feeding the dogs- pfft, as Star says) that you might be walking around feeling way too much pressure sometimes, and it might be spilling over to difficult child, in my humble opinion. Then difficult child has learned some bad habits from husband- as in, being disrespectful to you.

    I'd probably pick a good night on a weekend or something and give difficult child a day off from homework, at least when he passes all tests, for a reward and a break.

    It sounds like you have a good therapist on board and as embaressing as it was for you and husband, at least you didn't waste 3 mos in there with therapist trying to get to the point of the problem.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Wow, your therapist sounds phenomenal. Those sessions will really, really help.

    I have to admit, I am amazed that your difficult child did so well on the finals, after all that turmoil. He's got a brain in there, and it works! Of course, we all know that he if really cracked down, he could get straight A's, and that's not going to happen, so you will have to just keep breathing and be thankful that he's doing as well as he is.

    I will be amazed if your husband doesn't come out of this with-some kind of diagnosis. After an upbringing like his, he really needs his own, private therapy. Some of the things we go through as kids never heal unless we go through them and make them happen the way we need them to happen ... the nurturing, the structure. Of course, all of that lands on you. But you don't have to take it on. That's what therapists are for. :)

    I know the feeling of being enraged when difficult child snarls at me and I say, 'You will not talk to me like that." One thing I have learned to do is ignore him. Yesterday, he started arguing about wanting his PS2 controllers and how he was not going to show me his homework folder or do any chores.
    In a calm voice, I said, "Okay." And walked away.
    He came after me and demanded the controllers. I had a migraine, had taken medications, and was icing my neck.
    It wasn't easy, but I said, "Okay. As soon as you do what I told you. Turn out the light, please."
    We could have argued all night.
    But he showed up 15 min. later and he had done what he was supposed to do. (Those games have incredible leverage. I used them again this a.m. and he finished all his chores in record time!)

    DO NOT ENGAGE HIM. It is going to be one of the hardest things you learn.

    You are doing really well. I love your post here. It's amazing. You probably can't see the progress, because you feel like you're still yelling and angry, but really, you've come so far, even in the past 2 wks.
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You really did a great job.
    You should be proud of difficult child as well. I am amazed also that he did so well this semester!
    I agree he should get a break after finals and a night for reward and birthday.
    therapist does sound amazing!