difficult child's visit yesterday

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WhereIsTheLight, Apr 29, 2007.

  1. WhereIsTheLight

    WhereIsTheLight New Member

    Well, she came by to do laundry. No drama, no tension, but she was way too comfortable for my comfort.

    Our next door neighbor is doing some spring cleaning and gave me two large plastic bins for difficult child to put stuff in. I pointed them out to difficult child and they are still sitting in the backyard.

    She helped herself to an avocado - the only thing I had in the house that she would or could eat, and then she asked if I would take her to the gas station for some lentil soup. Yes, that sounds odd, but the newspaper here proclaimed the little Middle Eastern cafe side business the "Best Gas Station Cuisine in Detroit". And it's fantastic, so we are frequent customers. I didn't want to do it, was doing up dishes at the time, but she said she would pay :bravo: and I relinquished. However, I picked up my own order of garlic sauce, and while I wasn't looking, she ate half of it! :nonono:

    I was not amused, and told her so. And that was that.

    She is working for room and board at Hippy Heaven, and sometimes gets tips from the cafe customers. Sometimes, the owner will give her $10 or $20. She says she's been working up to 12 hours a day in the cafe and doing whatever they tell her to do. But after only 9 days, she is becoming frustrated because she feels that she has little free time (she is used to having all of her time free), and she is sleeping on the floor in one of the chiropractor rooms. I tried to keep my mouth shut, but when you are engaging in conversation, it is hard not to interject your own thoughts. I told her she could ask them what she had to do to get a bed and reminded her it's only been a few days and they need to see a commitment from her. I'm keeping my guard up, because she may end up walking out if things get too tough for her, and her whole affect of acting like she never left home really concerns me.

    She even said cheerily, charmingly, "Know what would be the best thing in the world, Mom? If you made me some beet, orange and ginger juice".

    I replied, "Know what would be the best thing in the world? If you filled up those bins and cleaned your room".

    I did not have beets or ginger to juice for her...I suppose I would have if I did, but I wasn't about to run out to the store and go get them for her. I'm not buying her foods anymore. There is no reason too, unless I wanted her to miss them everytime she came to visit. And they are like strays...if you feed them, they come back.

    I found myself really, really wishing she was not here. Even when things are non-confrontational, I suppose that I am so weary and so guarded that I cannot really, truly enjoy her company. I found myself mentally rolling my eyes at her, and the thoughts bouncing around my brain were sarcastic and aloof. I felt like she invaded my peace, and I couldn't wait for her to leave.

    She got on my computer and played some mp3s and sent some emails. She did nothing to clean her room or take anything other than the laundry she did. I gave her a ride back to the commune.

    She is going to Ann Arbor this week for a week to stay with her girlfriend, so I may not hear from her much.

    When I do hear from her again, and she asks if she can do laundry or get stuff, I will make it clear that if the room is not clean and the two bins (which are large enough to put a body in!) are not full, and if she does not burn her files off my work computer next time she's around, I will start throwing things out and deleting files.

    It's the only way I can think I can get it through to her that this is a permanent situation and that she is officially on her own.

    And, it's the only way I can think of to keep my resolve.

    But I'm not going to dwell on it this week. I'll leave that to the next time she makes plans to come by. This week is going to be all about me, and I intend on making some progress with my own psyche and crawl out under from my self-imposed rock.

    :salute:
     
  2. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I know I am only getting a glipse into your world, but it seems from your post that both of you are handling this quite well.

    I believe you said in another post about wanting the daughter that comes home on sunday for laundry and dinner. Asking for you to make the juice seems like a gesture of reassurance for her to know that mom still loves me.

    You seem to be making the best of the situation and you are focused on your getting back to normal for yourself.

    Wishing you peace
     
  3. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi,
    I know the feeling of being on guard and uncomfortable with difficult child around. But, at least my difficult child asked me if she could use things and was very polite, did not act like it was her home anymore. Of course we discovered money and clothing (not hers) missing after she left.....

    I am glad this week will be all about you! I think you are doing a fine job and will adjust accordingly!

    Jane
     
  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: WhereIsTheLight</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

    I replied, "Know what would be the best thing in the world? If you filled up those bins and cleaned your room".





    </div></div>

    I love it!!! You couldn't have come up with a better response.
     
  5. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    she will learn that the world...and even Hippy Heaven...has rules and you have to work to eat and sleep.
    silly though that our difficult children leave or have to be put out of our comfy loving homes because they cannot comply.
     
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Until I read your post I didn't realize the truth in what you
    said. I am uncomfortable around GFGmom and even though her time
    here is very limited...it's not limited enough. I didn't realize
    it until your post but I actually feel badly because I get a feeling of dread when she sits down because that means she is not
    going to leave immediately.

    How you-know-whattin' sad is that? She has been gone for over
    16 years and I only have to see her for maybe 30 minutes a week
    on average. It's still too much.

    You handled her visit like a pro. Let's hope your week is 100%
    based on what YOU want! Hugs. DDD
     
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am still very very guarded with my difficult child#1 when she calls until I determine what kind of a mood she is in. I moved a half hour away from her so she can no longer just drop in. I always know ahead of time and if i am not up to a visit I tell her I have an appointment and ask if we can reschedule. I know she does the same to me so I have no guilt. When ever I lower my guard i end up getting bashed down so I have learned to keep it intact. -RM
     
  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I just posted about my last interaction with Rob so you know that I understand.

    It's a blessing that we live about 1.5 hours away and he doesn't have a car. Of course, he is probably thinking the same thing. :rofl:

    Suz
     
  9. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Wow.

    I never would have been honest enough with myself to acknowledge it as you have, but I feel exactly the same way when my difficult child is home.

    Or even, when I see him coming.

    Only I spend most of the visit (or phone call) feeling guilty about it.

    Your response is very healthy.

    I think I had better post this on my fridge.

    Wonderful post ~ thank you.

    Barbara
     
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