Difficult phone conversation with difficult child

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Gone, Dec 6, 2014.

  1. Gone

    Gone Guest

    Got through it ok but it WAS difficult

    We discussed some topics which NEEDED to be discussed which is good , but there is some friction between us as she still feels I sold her out for reporting her for drink driving , we may always have to agree to disagree on that one as she tends to put the responsibility onto ME , whereas I bat it back to her , then she bats it back to me and it is NOT a FUN game of ping pong! :playful:

    I nearly left the conversation but it was GOOD we went on to discuss some things re social services and possible scenarios if they think she is planning on taking back her son too early which is bound to be a concern

    I told her they may ask for a blood test

    Not sure if she would pass but they need to be sure

    I reminded her they are child PROTECTION services and it is their job to assess risk and if they feel there could be any risk to the child they will then take the matter to court for an emergency care order

    I think she is adamant she wants her son returned before Christmas BUT knows it could be a flat out NO

    It is early days in her sober 'recovery' am not even sure she is IN recovery , just not sure myself either , so we HAVE to do what is best for the child...

    I advised her to work WITH SS and to be HONEST with them , but that is the bit she has trouble with!

    She said she will lie to get her son back if she has to and that is the worrying bit and why the whole conversation went downhill as she said if they say no it will be MY fault because I told them about her drink driving a few months ago , but I have told them ANYTHING relevant to my GS's care and future care anyway but at present she is not aware I have told them about her cannabis smoking and that she may possibly be still drinking

    I LONG to have my GS home for Christmas but do NOT want things to ''go wrong'' again which there is a HIGH likelihood of unfortunately with ALCOHOLISM

    It is not only unpredictable it is a killer demon to conquer and it does not happen overnight

    A lady told me today her son has been in rehab 3 times and is still on the drink , my difficult child won't even CONSIDER rehab now she says she has ''stopped drinking now''

    Anyway I stood my ground re my decision to report her and discouraged her from withholding anything from SS but she still continues to do it and is still in ''hiding stuff to get her son back'' at present , which has been the problem ALL ALONG and I get the ANGER and abuse when I tell the truth PLUS EVERY mistake I have made in the past thrown in my face...

    It never works when I try and get her to take full resposibility for her own actions

    Apparently the ''whole family AGREE that I should NOT have reported her as that is NOT what families do''...

    What does an honest member of the PUBLIC do when they KNOW that innocent parties have been put at RISK simply crossing the road etc and if someone had died they would be saying why DIDN'T you report her???

    What about doing what is GOOD rather than covering up a family members behaviour because you think NOT covering it up is BAD

    I know EXACTLY which family members are ''on her side'' in this even though she says ALL of them are I KNOW they all are NOT as will they still be on her side if she gets into her car drunk with her son in the car???

    And something happens to him?

    They would WISH ''someone'' ''ANYONE'' would have reported her and got to him in time!!!

    Anyway , not taking it too seriously what she 'says' as she does not feel HONESTY clarity and genuine determination to kick her habit will get her son back , covering up , lying and deceit WILL???


    Poor little man!! :angry-very2: xx
  2. Gone

    Gone Guest

    Feeling angry that my difficult child & certain family members think I was WRONG to report her , well what about the INNOCENT members of the public just going about their normal day at the time?

    Or her INNOCENT 7 year old SON?

    IF he was with her do they HONESTLY think she would have NOT still got into her car with him and driven???

    Hopefully that will not even be given the chance ''to be seen''

    But if they DO give him back as there is no court order for his care then I am NOT going to stand by and watch her doing something like that without stopping her let alone reporting her immediately

    This is NOT an ''experiment'' lets wait till we see what goes right or wrong , but looks like possibly it is or can be as she has the right to take her son back at any time at present , so will just have to see what happens and she is setting up a meeting with her new SW so hopefully we will get some questions answered then

    If it means no son home for Christmas well lets hope she accepts that as however much I would LOVE to be with him at Christmastime SO MUCH I want to do what is best for HIM in the end as what is best for him IS what is best for me!! :love_heart:
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, ok, ok...slow down and take a deep breath.

    Hon, you are NOT responsible for your grown daughter. You just aren't. And you did the right thing regardless of what your family said (whoever is giving you grief should, in my opinion, be put on very low contact right now. You don't need that.) You will not, no matter w hat you say, change your daughter, especially if you are helping her out in any way. Even if you aren't, everyone is his own boss we do what we do.

    You also are not in any position to protect your grandson. He has already been in and out of the system. This is in the control of social services and your daughter's behavior. Nothing you do or say has made a difference so far. I can tell by your long, long posts (which are perfectly ok) that you still want to believe that if you just get through to your daughter or say the right thing that she will change and that you are very frustrated that this isn't happening. You want to control a situation you have no control over. We all get it.

    Many of us have also learned first hand that the only thing within our control is us. It would probably help you a lot to get into therapy for YOU so that YOUR life can be better. There, sadly, is very little to nothing that you can do for your grandson. Foster care isn't great, but his mother isn't great or safe and going back and forth isn't good either. And you can't stop it from happening.

    Have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings? They are good at teaching us how to take each day at a time, each moment at a time. We don't know the big picture. We can't change the past. The future is a blank screen. If we think about it, it doesn't help anything and often makes us so stressed we can't function. All we have for sure is now and what WE do with now because we can't control anybody else's now, not even that of your beloved grandson.

    I hope one day you will start to focus on what you can control...yourself. I hope you start doing nice things for yourself. Long talks with your daughter...do they really produce results? Does she live up to her promises? Do you trust what she says? Are you sick of talking to her? You have to mull over these things. You have the option of going low contact with your daughter. You can leave it as it is. Either way, you can't change her. If you are upset and unhealthy you are not good for anyone, including any important person...yourself. Getting sick won't help anything.

    Although alcoholism IS a disease, it is treatable. People quit drinking forever every single day, every hour. Your daughter is the one responsible for her illness and treating it. If she doesn't, that is on her shoulders. It is not as if she has incurable cancer. She can turn her life around and make a home for her grandson. She just won't. And you can't make her.

    I hope you can find some peace and serenity tonight and try to distract yourself from thoughts of your daughter and grandson. It does no good to dwell on it. Been there/done that/worn the tee-shirt/didn't change a thing. Hugs!!!
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2014
  4. Gone

    Gone Guest

    I think low contact is a good idea

    The stuff we have discussed recently ( we usually don't talk much , just a quick chat after our contact centre visit once a week , I walk to the station , she drives home ) is mainly about Christmas and her plan to bring him home..

    I DO have concerns over that as it is super early

    At least once again I have guaged where she is at ie no real change

    I cannot protect my GS as such but if I think she is b*llsh*tting SS I will tell them , if I suspect she is still drinking I will tell them , if I have any concerns about him being returned I will tell them , this is all I can do , but it is protecting him in my own way as if ALL they had to go on is what she says it would be a completely different picture to reality

    ''I will lie to get my son back'' ( these are the words which say it all )

    Well ''I will tell the TRUTH to PROTECT my GS''

    I am not going to see things and then not TELL them , they need to guage the situation too! And not with my daughter's 'version' but the TRUTH

    If I say my daughter is doing fine , def not drinking any more , laying off the cannabis , doing well enough to have her son back with no problems , everything hunkey dorey I will NOT be doing the best for my GS

    I don't want to control my daughter but yes I DO want to protect my GS in any way I CAN

    SS ASK me if she is still drinking , she says no and if she is I say yes! There is hell to pay after but I don't care

    I see me telling the truth and being honest about my concerns as protecting my GS in the little way I can which may not be so little if it means protecting him from a Mum who lies about her drinking and therefore subjects him to any harm

    She is an adult , she can go off and do what she wants

    It is ONLY because she says my GS will be back in her care in 11 days time which is why I have my concerns as the day is dawning and am exploring my feelings about the situation as well as finding out where she is at

    Where she is at will have a direct impact on my GS if he is returned to her

    If she had no plans to take him I honestly do not believe we would be having these conversations , it is only because she is planning on taking him in 11 days time and I always will do what I CAN to protect my GS , if I can't , fine , will have to accept that , but if I CAN I will x

    ( I do do loads for myself now , am enjoying most days it is ONLY because this ''taking my GS home in 11 days time'' is hanging over my head with no certainty either way as whether it is even going to HAPPEN or not that is difficult , once SS say either yay or nay I will feel BETTER just KNOWING , but I want them to know the FACTS first , any facts that I do know as my daughter will simply lie to them about everything , but we need to know what is going to happen soon ie Christmas with him with me supervising or Christmas without him , sad , but knowing he is SAFE at least! )
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  5. Gone

    Gone Guest

    I'm gonna be honest I DID want to warn her if they say no and she still goes ahead and takes him which she CAN as she has parental responsibility they could take her to court and she would LOSE parental responsibility , just wanted to warn her of that serious consequence and encourage her to work WITH them if she wants her son to be returned , the best way is to work with them however long it takes! x

    Just doing my best in the meatime and waiting for this situation to be resolved with SS , having a new SW now who does not know the case doesn't help plus only having 9 working days to sort it all out doesn't help as they are a busy department! :wink-very:

    I do understand I need to take care of myself in all this , deal with my stuff , then move on! x
    Lasted edited by : Dec 6, 2014
  6. Gone

    Gone Guest

    I just wish she hadn't said she's taking him back before Christmas as that is what caused all this recent stress

    I LONG to be with him but wish she realised it is way too soon and accepted he would not be home and gave it more time

    I WOULD LOVE to be with my GS in 11 days time!!!!!!!!

    But we have to do what is best for HIM not what is best for US , however HARD and sad that is.....
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ah, Nannai. I'm a grandma too. I so feel for you. It is so much harder when our grandkids are involved. Reading your angst brought tears to my eyes.

    I understand why you stay in contact with SS. I would do it too. It would make me very sad, but I'd tell them the truth about my own daughter too in order to save my GS. I am puzzled and sad that they will not give custody to you rather than keep giving her multiple second chances, especially with his autism. Since I've adopted and done foster care, I "get" their thinking...the biological parent gets all the rights and all the second chances and the children are not the first priority (at least in the U.S. and our broken system here. Don't know if it's the same in the UK). You are truly doing the best you can to keep your grandson safe. Although it is true that you can't control social services (and I feel social services is rather nuts, at least in Yanksville), you tried your hardest for this little guy whom you clearly adore and would do so much better in your arms and custody. I don't understand Social Services, but after spending three years trying to help children by fostering children, we quit. They did not make decisions based on the children's needs. They did things that were unexplainable. The kids told us stories that broke our hearts. We couldn't do it anymore. I am so sorry that you have to deal with them, but I do think you are doing your very, very, very best. I can not even suggest that you go on with your life and ignore your grandson, because as good as I've gotten at detaching from adult children who create chaos, I could not do it myself...just walk away from a grandchild.

    It is a shame that there is no way that you, the grandma, can not receive custody, but I know how hard it is to get SS, at least here, to terminate parental rights. We adopted a little boy at age two. He had cocaine in his system and syphillis and his birthmother had gone to the hospital to give birth, then walked out right afterwards. She had already given up four children without trying to regain custody or quit drugs. She never appeared at the hearings for our son. Yet it took our social worker the judge FOUR AND A HALF YEARS to terminate her parental rights. Social Services at it's best. Arrrrgh!

    I feel so badly for you right now and your little man. Your daughter, no. You do have to stay healthy and strong and clearheaded. If you don't like to fight non-stop with daughter, it is easier just to let them talk their lies and go, "Yep." "Uh-huh" "I see" "ok." And it is in your grandson's best interests, as well as your own, for you to eat well, rest, have fun times so your body can relax and your mind can clear, and to exercise the stress off. It is in his best interests that you get help for yourself to learn how to best cope so that you don't get ill. Taking care of yourself is taking care of him too. As for the rest of your family...I would not give their thoughts much weight. Maybe it's best to keep your distance right now. You don't need, as we call it in the U.S., back seat drivers. They have no idea what you are REALLY going through and this is between you, your daughter, and your grandson, not them. What are they thinking? If your daughter goes out driving while drunk, she could not only kill herself or her grandson, but kill some poor stranger. You did the same thing I would have done. I don't know if that comforts you or not...lol.

    I wish I could help more. Keep venting here. We are always on call, 24/7, and that includes Christmas! ;)
  8. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Very good advice!
  9. Gone

    Gone Guest

    MidwestMom - thank you SO much for sharing with me , it is like a breath of fresh air!

    This is ''stuff'' no one likes to talk about unless they are directly involved themselves and I mean either from their HEART or part of their job , the rest just 'cruise' along like you said with no REAL interest accept meeting their OWN needs , seeing what is ''in it for them''

    There is NOTHING in it for me apart from the satisfaction of KNOWING my GS is safe and well and happy and secure , preferably with me one day if this situation continues which looks like it WILL

    What I don't understand is HOW can SS RETURN a little boy to his Mothers care KNOWING she is still drinking or even SUSPECTING it??? :confusion:

    Then expect ME to step in and supervise and if it gets too much for me then I am at fault!!! They seem to expect me to be superhuman and relish in looking after and living with an alcoholic and my GS , there is only ONE of the roles I relish there

    They ask me ''is she still drinking?''

    I say ''yes'' and STILL NOTHING IS DONE , they expect me to be there to supervise my GS but if supervising my difficult child becomes too much for me then I am to blame if I dare think of leaving my GS in that situation if I have BURN OUT or exhaustion but I am not super human THEY can go home at the end of the day , family can pop in and visit but I am the one left in the mess , chaos , disorder , vomit , destruction , stress and all the sh*t that goes with alcoholism and how dare I leave??? :ambivalence:

    They won't let me REMOVE my GS from that enviroment or situation yet expect HIM AND ME to remain in that chaos which is no good for EITHER of us and like you said ''I am good enough to look after BOTH of them , but not ONE of them'' ..... The FAR easier one! :wink-very:

    I don't know what EVIDENCE they need to have her parental responsibility removed , they don't seem to be asking for blood tests or hair strand tests which I think would be a good idea and it is my GS left in that situation of danger and neglect! AND THEY ARE MEANT TO BE ''CHILD PROTECTION'' SERVICES!!!

    If they let him go home I can GUARANTEE it will not work out and it will end up in chaos again and then if my GS is removed again WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GOING TO DO TO HIS EMOTIONAL WELL BEING after being at HOME for a while , back with the family and Nanny and his Aunty who he loves too???

    It will f*ck him up , but my difficult child does not think about that she has already said she will lie to get him and keep him but that will NOT work indefinitely and that is a RISKY path for her to take but also to take my GS on!!

    I will give them the 'evidence' they need although I think they should do regular blood tests while she is AWAY from him let alone if he is returned ( too early in my opinion! ) but what will they DO with the evidence???

    I end up being angry , frustrated with and untrusting of BOTH SS AND my difficult child and I am in between a rock and a hard place and so is my GS!!!

    I hope it works out for him ie US , his room is ready , I am ready , they may have to change his school but at least he will have calm , peace and stability here... And some HAPPINESS and security as little man bless him DESERVES that and he does NOT deserve what he is going through right now and nor do I .... I sometimes feel like I have done something wrong and SS are punishing me for it but I have done nothing wrong in this , just tried desperately to do what is RIGHT for my GS and in general even for the public

    It's like nothing is ''seen'' my efforts are not seen , nothing I do is ''good enough'' nothing is recognised , NEVER a good word said to me by SS and I mean NEVER , if they EVER compliment me at ALL one day I think I will fall off my chair in SHOCK even though I am bending over backwards , jumping through every hoop imaginable and like you said doing my very best which is never deemed good enough , yet I reckon in an EMERGENCY situation they will be banging down my door to have him! LOL
    Lasted edited by : Dec 7, 2014
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have heard a lot of horrible things about our social services in the US, but never ever have I heard of SS expecting a grandparent to supervise their grown child. Is this court ordered? Can you refuse? That is THEIR job. No wonder you are under stress. That's CRAZY. If it were me, I probably would burn out and finally tell them, "I love my grandson, but I am getting too stressed out to keep this up. You will have to make your decision on your own." They are making you be the gatekeeper, but they still are not helping your GS. It's insane. I'd resign from the job since it isn't doing any good anyway.

    Is it against the rules in the UK to get a lawyer and fight for custody, taking on social services? You do have another grown child and another grandchild and your own precious self to look after and I can't imagine anyone being able to stay mentally healthy with such a burden on his/her shoulders. Stepping back would put the burden where it belongs...on your daughter and on social services. Girl, you will cause yourself high blood pressure and possibly an early death with this sort of pressure on you. And they aren't even listening to you and they are BLAMING you and making you feel guilty and responsible.

    This is a serious question. Can you move to another area and pull yourself out of this? Everyone is abusing you...social services and your daughter. It's nuts. You can not do what they are expecting of you. You deserve peace from this as the outcome is not up to you or it doesn't seem as if it is even dependent on you. You should not be babysitting your grown child if you are getting sick over it.

    This is a radical idea. Why not step back and just see what happens and in the meantime take a vacation, focus on yourself, your other family and friends, your hobbies, your own life? In spite of how SS is making you feel like this is ALL in your hands, you have no power here at all and it is zapping you of your life. If you need an excuse, go to your doctor and tell him how stressed you are and ask if he'll write a note excusing you from being so responsible for something you can't control...before it becomes a reality.

    I wish I could give you a real life hug. This is the best I can do. (((Hugs)))
  11. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I think you are doing a great job of hanging in there and doing the right thing for your GS. If the difficult child wasn't doing anything wrong, you wouldn't have anything to report. Keep the faith that at least you are trying - even against a clusterF*** of a department of children's services!
  12. Gone

    Gone Guest

    Ahhhh thank you guys

    You are right about the STRESS , when I left last time they looked on me as being WEAK and irresponsible!!!

    Like I said THEY go home every day after their stressful jobs and leave it behind them and at the weekends as well , yet they expect me to supervise my grown difficult child 24/7 and not get any help or support with it , they expect SO much and dare I say TOO much!!!

    ''If your daughter drinks you HAVE to be there'' is what I was told , so I was , for 5 months till I ended up with burn out and was no good for my GS then even!

    If I had the responsibility of just ONE of them ie my GS it would have turned out differently , but they still blame me for LEAVING even though they ENCOURAGE women to leave an alcoholic partner , they USE me basically , when it suits THEM

    My difficult child has gone and told them today that I will be staying 2 or 3 months with her ...... HELL NO , she knows if I am there to ensure my GS is ok they are more likely to ''let'' her have him back!

    She spoke to the new SW today who told her a flat out ''NO'' but she is TRYING to CONVINCE them to let her have him back so she is using me to to try and get him back and yet when I do ''report back to them'' re her drinking she has a GO at me

    She expects me to be there but not report her drinking to SS

    I need to have a meeting with them myself and ask them what would happen if I was NOT there as I DON'T agree with her decision to take him home so soon anyway!

    It is only if they LET her that I felt I would have to be there and supervise and report back to them like I had to do last time but I do NOT relish that role at all :disgusted:

    If they got an emergency protection order from the court then they could take him back pretty much immediately , but if the court says no as there has to be risk of ''significant harm'' then we're stuffed

    I actually think in some ways it would be better if I ask what would happen if I decide NOT to be there as then he WOULD be at risk of harm but they would have to PROVE it to the court which might be difficult as risk of 'significant' harm is a grey area!!!

    And poor little man is in the bl**dy middle of all this!

    As am I..

    I have told my difficult child that it is NOT a good idea for her to take him if they say no but she still plans to do it either way which is the dangerous thing as that is not seen as 'working with them' OR 'in the childs best interests' as it is TOO SOON , WAY too soon but she won't or refuses to SEE THAT!!

    She said she is going to go for a daily breathalyser but fat lot of good that will do as she can lay off the drink for about a week as she plans to take him back next week now!

    I don't want anything to do with it BUT I don't want my GS LEFT ALONE WITH HER either!!!

    I would have to go home at SOME point anyway and what the HELL happens THEN if she is still drinking which I suspect she will

    Hopefully I can relay all this to the SW and let her know that I have advised my difficult child NOT to take him if they are against it which unsurprisingly they are

    One hair strand test or blood test and they would see with evidence that she has still been drinking recently but they said even if she has NOT it is still TOO EARLY for him to be returned and I absolutely AGREE

    At least they will know I am against it and I told her it is best NOT to take him but doubt she will listen to me but however much she wants me to support her decision I can't and I do not want to enable but I would want to protect if she does take him especially if there is no court order issued for SS to take him back but what would that do to my GS??? ... Thinking he is ''home'' and then suddenly being REMOVED again and WHY does my difficult child not even think about that , she is desperate to have him home for Christmas , the SW said MANY other families are in the same position too and try and get there kids home for Christmas even if it is not the right time for them yet and if she just ACCEPTED that he WON'T be home for Christmas none of this stress would be going on for us

    I prefer to know he is SAFE AND SOUND wherever he is and he is SETTLED and safe where he is and that is good enough for me for now even though I am SAD too that I don't know how long we will be away from each other for but patience is INDEED a virtue! :love-little: x
  13. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    To understand you need to follow that it is ALWAYS more important WHAT SHE WANTS............that alone tells you she is not ready to get him back. Until SHE is ready to accept what is best for her son, you are doing the right thing by keeping them apart, no matter how difficult a situation that puts you in. You are doing the right thing by putting the safety of your grandson FIRST as it should be and to he(( with what "she wants". URG!
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You do not need to be a part of this. I wouldn't agree to do it. You can not know if your daughter drinks all the time. Alcoholics are great sneaks. Who made you responsible? It's not possible for her to know what she does every moment. Are you legally responsible or can you back off? I never heard of this before and I've been involved with adoption and foster care moms for twenty or more years.

    Here is the hardest part.

    Since GS has been thrown back and forth so often, it is best he stay in the safest place and not move again. DNA is less important that who can truly parent him and your daughter can not. If it were me, I could not police her and the more your GS goes back and forth from place to place the more messed up he will be. I've fostered kids who never get one stable place to stay and it tears them up inside and they start to shut down and not care about anybody. Your daughter is very selfish, but you know that and can't change her.

    in my opinion now it's time to take care of yourself and tell SS to take a hike. Do they pay you to do their work for them? If she lies to them, let her. SS seems determined to give GS back to her anyway. And then, of course, she will screw up and he'll be back in care. I hate to say this, but I don't think you can save him. He is already living a very unstable life and it is unlikely to change. And you can't do anything about it. And I'm sorry that you can't, but I know how these agencies work.

    Here is a true story that I know you'll believe and it's one of the big reasons hubby and I finally said "I'm done" to foster care. A little boy, in his infancy, was thrown against a wall by his birthmother, who was a druggie. He went to foster care and his foster parents adored him and nursed him back to health. He was in a body cast for a year. They asked if they could adopt him. They were told, well, no, they can't because the "mother" was rehabilitated and he was going back to her. Yes, the one who slammed him against a wall. So he did. And three months later she told SS she was sick of him and to take him back. So the foster family, hearing this, begged to have him back. That would make sense, right?

    Well, yes, and maybe that's why SS didn't make that decision. They gave him other foster parents. By now this toddler had lived with three people and had spent a year in a body cast and was a mess. He hadn't been before, but he was by then. Eventually, the foster parents said they couldn't handle him...he was too hard...and finally, finally SS gave him to the couple that wanted to adopt him. They still did, although he was now angry, violent, a mess. SS still made them wait before terminating birthmother's rights. It was a while before they finally got to adopt him. By then, he was never going to be a normal kid and he was no longer even attached to them, but last I heard they hung in there.

    This kind of story makes me feel so hopeless for the poor kids in care. Yet it also shows how weird they are and how the child is the least of their concerns. The biological parent comes first. That's why, unless it is way different in the UK and it doesn't sound like it, I feel it is best just to back off and move on. What you want to happen won't happen. And your GS will not get a stable home anyway, and he's getting up there in age and probably not getting the interventions he needs for his autism.

    Poor baby.
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2014
  15. Gone

    Gone Guest

    That is EXACTLY like what happens over here..

    The LOVING family only got him back when it was a ''last resort'' and all other options had ran out when they should have been the FIRST to be considered to give that poor boy some STABILITY

    So the family messes up the child , then SS mess up the child even FURTHER!!!!!!!!!

    That is the worry and concern for my little man

    He is my flesh and blood yet I have no say in what becomes of him , where he goes , who he lives with etc

    I just yearn for him to have some stability , and your story brought real tears to my eyes as THESE POOR CHILDREN are the ones who SUFFER BOTH at the hands of their parents AND at the hands of social services

    They go from being messed up to being messed up even more!!!

    ALL THE WHILE there is a loving , stable fully capable relative waiting patiently in the wings to have her GS happy and secure with her and that wouldn't be straight away I WOULD HAVE A MESSED UP LITTLE BOY ON MY HANDS BY THEN but with patience and love I feel he would heal and recover and be happy again bless his poor little sweet heart! x

    If she takes him and I walk away from them they will accuse ME of neglect!!

    I am not allowed to leave him at risk and wouldn't want to , but THEY can leave him at risk , thing is I have to walk away at SOME POINT so they HAVE to step in at some point surely and why not right from the start

    This is what I am going to ask them to do anyway!!!
  16. Gone

    Gone Guest

    I always felt I was doing their job for them anyway and when I got burnt out it was like ''F*CK we are going to have to take over now!''

    My difficult child's borough is over run with alcoholics and drug addicts and SS are over worked etc so they do try to get 'rid' of cases as quickly and easily as possible , but the 'easy' way means MORE WORK IN THE END WHEN IT GOES WRONG

    It is like the Council here , they will patch a roof , patch it again and again and again and it actually ends up costing them MORE than just repairing it in the first place which they have to END UP DOING ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    LOL...our countries aren't so different after all.

    I wouldn't do their work for them. It isn't you putting your grandson in danger. It's SS and your daughter. Do you have a full time job? If not, I'd get one...and make sure it pays :) Good excuse to quit your not-for-pay work at SS. Heck, change your phone number so they can't even reach you. I am assuming they can't force this on you.
  18. Gone

    Gone Guest

    They can't force it on me but the thought of my GS going through any distress etc when he can be with me there and CALM is my motivation to do it too , but then I HAVE to go home at some point anyway for the sake of my HEALTH so will ask them what the hell happens then?

    It looks like at some point in this I will be at home worrying if my GS is being FED or not , taken care of or not , basically NEGLECTED or not and SURELY it is SS's job / DUTY to PROTECT my GS from possible neglect otherwise what the hell is their PURPOSE??

    I get called in a crisis situation eg the school bus has arrived at the pick up point with my GS who goes to a special needs school but Mum is not there to pick him up , they go to the house and there is no answer and I am told unless I go there IMMEDIATELY and stay there to supervise he is going into emergency foster care so of COURSE I would be there like a shot even though I was over an hour away before

    So to not pick up my phone to them is like saying ''I don't care what happens to my GS'' and that is how they will see it and I am always good enough to step in in an emergency or crisis situation but never good enough to have him full time and yes I can see it as them using me but I WANT to be there for my GS because I love him and don't actually want him in foster care or left in any danger whatsoever so it is a difficult dilemma but my heart is with my GS as much as my health allows that is as like I said if my health goes in the process I get blamed or seen as incompetant which is so not true I am fully able to care for and live with my GS full time but to be expected to live with an alcoholic full time is a DIFFERENT matter , but once again I hope they are not looking at me to 'supervise' but without a court order they probably WILL and I will state I can do it for 1 month and 1 month only and only if ABSOLUTELY neccessary ie they cannot get an emergency care order from the court if she takes him but to be honest I am going to try my damndest first to CONVINCE my difficult child NOT to take him as the DISRUPTION to him it will cause is not fair on HIM

    She is thinking about HERSELF not HIM and SS will see that too and it is not good for her 'case' at all whereas even if she changes her mind and decides to leave him where he is and work WITH THEM until she is WELL into her recovery and permanently WELL IN GENERAL THEN they may consider the ''right time'' to have him home which is certainly NOT as yet , recovery is a LONG process and I do not believe she is even IN recovery yet so she has a LONG way to go so it is in her sons best interests to be left where he is for now and I hope she can see that not only for her own sake but actually for my GS's sake because I do NOT want him to go through any more distress or disruption to his life or he will end up MESSED UP

    I am not sure what the law can do or how far they can go in this emergency situation as it is becoming an emergency now as she said she is taking him home next week NOMATTER WHAT but then she is increasing her chances of LOSING him which she does not seem to SEE because she thinks she can outsmart SS and the courts somehow and she does not realise HOW MUCH and what things I will grass her up for but basically anything which hinders the effective care of my GS will be reported by me! We will fall out over it but my GS's welfare comes before any adult on this planet BUT I do have to take good care of MYSELF in this and THEN him but NO ONE else , the rest are adults and can take care of themselves and if they can't they have to get help , relationships are meant to be a PLEASURE and ENJOYED like I do with my older daughter and of course my little GD .... I don't even need to ''take care'' of my GD , just ENJOY HER , her MUM takes care of her MORE than adequately , there are no concerns about her WHATSOEVER , she is thriving , Mum and Dad are fine even after their loss and it is not a STRESSFUL situation to be in but a PLEASURABLE one , enjoy every minute of it , hate being around my difficult child at most times now

    It would be SO much easier to detach from her if my GS wasn't involved but I am there for HIM , not her as in if she does not take care of herself it is HER responsibility , my GS is HER responsibility as well but she does NOT take adequate care of him even though she USED to in the past but in the present , NO , but who takes care of little man when Mum is passed out drunk in the bedroom? Me usually , but I hate the thought of it possibly coming to the point where I am at home for my own sake and yet worrying about whether my GS has even EATEN that day!!!

    THAT is when I would need HEAPS of support I reckon as not knowing is worse than knowing and being able to do something about it and it looks like SS will NOT protect him as much as I would like!!!!! :angry-very2:
    Lasted edited by : Dec 8, 2014