Difficulties with grown up daughter.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kateline1, Sep 14, 2016.

  1. Kateline1

    Kateline1 New Member

    Hi, could anyone give me some advice how to cope with a difficult daughter- I feel as I'm always treading on eggshells with her- I have been a single parent for many years- I don't know how to act anymore- she often sYs hurtful things to me- out of the blue and often in front of others- I've always given as much as I can - but she seems to throw everything back in my face and doesn't respect me- I have taken a step back! I have been reading some of the stories on here, and one lady said concentrate on myself more- and not on her. She has just got married, my ex did not attend- she is now pregnant and I feel issues may get worse?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Maybe the mods can switch this to Parent Emeritus, a forum for parents of adult children.

    Does your daughter live with you? Does she work and pay her own bills? Any drug use?

    Basically once they are 18 we can't make them do anything. Adult children, like all people are all different...some are kind and some are not nice. Some thrive, some want us to support them as if they are still little. We can't make our child have a good disposition, but we can set rules to abide by if they want to live in our home. And we can stick to it. Even if they get mad. They will never respect us if we are afraid of their anger.

    Pregnancy with a difficult child is not in my realm of experience. That brings it's own issues. I see that some parents try to protect their grands against their own grown I'mkods, but grandparents have no rights in most states.........often our difficult kids marry difficult kids and that never helps.

    I am sorry for your pain. Others will come along. Many of us have been in your shoes. You got very good advice to keep your focus on yourself as you have total control over yourself and your own happiness, but you have no control over anyone else, including your daughter. If you pray, pray a lot.
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2016
  3. Kateline1

    Kateline1 New Member

    Hi- thanks for your reply, no she doesn't live with me- she has her own house- and business- I also have other family issues a demanding mum in a home and a sister who is jealous of me- presently feeling lonely unloved, I don't have a partner- but like you say you don't have control over others- yes I have focused on myself and don't give as much as I used to! I'm doing what I want now- and I think I read another story where a mum had tried everything with her grown up daughter- and in the end you kind of give up! Because you're energy is low! Thank you .
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would try to disregard jealous sister (waste of your energy...its her problem, not yours), do what you can for mother but dont obsess over it and try to detach from your daughter's drama. She is self supporting...fortunately. If she is not pleasant or fun to be around limit how often you talk to her. You dont need abuse from anybody...not sister or even daughter. Abuse is never okay. You sre not everyone's punching bag nor are you the family fixer. Adults need to take care of themselves, with possible exception of mother if she is impaired. Even so, she is in good hands being cared for. You can only do do much.
  5. mcdonna

    mcdonna Member

    Welcome, Kateline1. So sorry to hear that you are doing the eggshell walk. Many of us have done that walk over and over again. I'm trying to get to total detachment from my daughter's behaviours. I agree with the others: focus on you, disregard your jealous sister and assist your mom when you can. Try not to get caught up in the drama and back away from any abusive behaviour. I am sending hugs and prayers your way. We can't control our adult children (or siblings) but we can control ourselves.
  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Welcome to the forum Kateline1, we're glad you're here.

    When you stop and think about it...things are backward when we allow our children to have this kind of unhealthy control over us. Walking on eggshells is a sign of an unhealthy relationship, as I am sure you know.

    Some things to think about:

    1. Give her some space and time. Stand way back for a while. Just go silent.
    2. If you decide to reach out to her, say very little. Keep it short, cordial and simple. That will likely surprise her.
    3. Turn your energy on yourself. Start by doing small kind things for yourself. You deserve good things and a good life.
    4. Seek out people who respect you and care about you. Start spending more time with them.
    5. Get plenty of rest, eat well and do some simple things that you enjoy every day, like taking a walk, reading a book, taking a nap.
    6. Many times, these types of situations don't stay the same. Don't start thinking this is forever. Just wait and see and give it all some space and time. You might be surprised.

    We can't control other people and how they behave. The only person we can control is ourselves. I know her behavior hurts you, and of course it does, but walking on eggshells isn't going to change that. Let her know you respect yourself too much to stay around that type of behavior.

    You might be surprised in time. Hang in there. We're here for you.