Very poignant and endearing post Katya, I appreciate your candor and your grace.........I believe Star has a very good point about finding a therapist, perhaps a woman if that would make you feel safer and more nurtured............I've almost always gravitated towards women therapists...........someone to help you find yourself.
In the middle of great turmoil and confusion, you are still able to look at the whole and piece it together with insight...........I think you may be in the exact right time in your life to be doing some in depth self inquiry.............As an older woman whose spent decades taking care of others due to so much mental illness ,utilizing unhealthy coping mechanisms for survival........mainly putting everyone else's needs before my own..............I look at like this..........life is a series of opportunities to grow and learn............we're presented with the options to change repeatedly throughout life, which is telling ourselves the truth in any given situation...........we can step back, reassess, get the support necessary to make the internal and external shifts and change and learn..........to the degree that we notice the "clues" and see what is really happening, we can make the changes necessary to be true to our natures and love and accept ourselves enough to live the life we were meant and desired to live. Cultural conditioning, gender expectations, not enough love and support from family, fear, men who do not see us as equal partners, low self esteem................a lot of reasons for not living our authentic lives...............However, you have awakened to your potential, to your own desire to make a difference..........you made some massive changes in divorcing your husband and re educating yourself. Cancer struck, however, I facilitated support groups for women struggling with cancer and one thing I learned from them was that once the fear subsided and the road back to health was embarked upon, many saw the cancer as a gift. I know that sounds absurd, but it changed their lives, they acknowledged things never before spoken and threw over notions that held them back and motored right on into a different and more fulfilling life. I heard it over and over again.........I do not by any means mean to minimize the absolute terror that accompanies cancer, please don't take this the wrong way........... I am simply saying that many people woke up and started living in ways they had never imagined before which they attributed to that dreaded diagnosis.
I've been reading your posts and each time I think to myself, here is a woman on the crest of her real life, making HARD choices that are going against your history, your upbringing, your role as wife, pretty much across the board changes..............and you're doing it with so much courage, with intelligence, soul, honesty, strength and a growing commitment to yourself, to be true to yourself. I say bravo, great job, congratulations. Is is scary and weird? Sure it is, it's new behavior. Are you unsure of what to do? Of course, you've never been here before. Are you putting one step in front of another and muddling through, in spite of all the challenges placed before you? Yes you are. It takes a lot to break old patterns of behavior. People in our lives who can't make the changes necessary are forced to step aside and let our new self emerge. It's just the way it is, they are casualties of your growth.
You wouldn't have gotten this far if a part of you hadn't stepped up to the plate and decided to move on. And, having suffered truckloads of guilt, here's my advice..dump it. It serves no purpose, you did what you did with the knowledge you had, your kids will gain strength and courage as they learn their own lessons, you have no control over it. Guilt is useless and will keep you stuck longer. Look behind you, bless it, bless your choices and move on out.............you're here now and your trucking through like a bulldozer, even in your weakened state. We all screw up, we all make mistakes, that's life, but it's what you're doing now that means anything, and you've decided to find your way through it all so you can then offer the gift of yourself to the world, and I imagine it's a helluva gift too..........you'll bring the compassion and experience with you to help be of service to others and make your mark on the world. We all have a song to sing, we just have to get out of our own way to do it............
You can absolutely wake up everyday and be happy, excited to make a difference..........you're on your way doing just that, and changes of this magnitude bring doubts and fears, that's normal............you came back here and wrote your story and got lots of nurturing for your real self, you knew just where to go............trust yourself to keep doing that, in your own time, in your own way, exactly the way you want it all to go, it's your life, go live it..........as Thoreau said, "go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you've imagined."
In the middle of great turmoil and confusion, you are still able to look at the whole and piece it together with insight...........I think you may be in the exact right time in your life to be doing some in depth self inquiry.............As an older woman whose spent decades taking care of others due to so much mental illness ,utilizing unhealthy coping mechanisms for survival........mainly putting everyone else's needs before my own..............I look at like this..........life is a series of opportunities to grow and learn............we're presented with the options to change repeatedly throughout life, which is telling ourselves the truth in any given situation...........we can step back, reassess, get the support necessary to make the internal and external shifts and change and learn..........to the degree that we notice the "clues" and see what is really happening, we can make the changes necessary to be true to our natures and love and accept ourselves enough to live the life we were meant and desired to live. Cultural conditioning, gender expectations, not enough love and support from family, fear, men who do not see us as equal partners, low self esteem................a lot of reasons for not living our authentic lives...............However, you have awakened to your potential, to your own desire to make a difference..........you made some massive changes in divorcing your husband and re educating yourself. Cancer struck, however, I facilitated support groups for women struggling with cancer and one thing I learned from them was that once the fear subsided and the road back to health was embarked upon, many saw the cancer as a gift. I know that sounds absurd, but it changed their lives, they acknowledged things never before spoken and threw over notions that held them back and motored right on into a different and more fulfilling life. I heard it over and over again.........I do not by any means mean to minimize the absolute terror that accompanies cancer, please don't take this the wrong way........... I am simply saying that many people woke up and started living in ways they had never imagined before which they attributed to that dreaded diagnosis.
I've been reading your posts and each time I think to myself, here is a woman on the crest of her real life, making HARD choices that are going against your history, your upbringing, your role as wife, pretty much across the board changes..............and you're doing it with so much courage, with intelligence, soul, honesty, strength and a growing commitment to yourself, to be true to yourself. I say bravo, great job, congratulations. Is is scary and weird? Sure it is, it's new behavior. Are you unsure of what to do? Of course, you've never been here before. Are you putting one step in front of another and muddling through, in spite of all the challenges placed before you? Yes you are. It takes a lot to break old patterns of behavior. People in our lives who can't make the changes necessary are forced to step aside and let our new self emerge. It's just the way it is, they are casualties of your growth.
You wouldn't have gotten this far if a part of you hadn't stepped up to the plate and decided to move on. And, having suffered truckloads of guilt, here's my advice..dump it. It serves no purpose, you did what you did with the knowledge you had, your kids will gain strength and courage as they learn their own lessons, you have no control over it. Guilt is useless and will keep you stuck longer. Look behind you, bless it, bless your choices and move on out.............you're here now and your trucking through like a bulldozer, even in your weakened state. We all screw up, we all make mistakes, that's life, but it's what you're doing now that means anything, and you've decided to find your way through it all so you can then offer the gift of yourself to the world, and I imagine it's a helluva gift too..........you'll bring the compassion and experience with you to help be of service to others and make your mark on the world. We all have a song to sing, we just have to get out of our own way to do it............
You can absolutely wake up everyday and be happy, excited to make a difference..........you're on your way doing just that, and changes of this magnitude bring doubts and fears, that's normal............you came back here and wrote your story and got lots of nurturing for your real self, you knew just where to go............trust yourself to keep doing that, in your own time, in your own way, exactly the way you want it all to go, it's your life, go live it..........as Thoreau said, "go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you've imagined."