disagreement on a disapline issue.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by justme22, Feb 1, 2012.

  1. justme22

    justme22 New Member

    I'm looking for some advice and an outsiders opinion on a disagreement. this year I got an inner district transfer for the kids to go to a school where they could go to school with their friends. the agreement with the transfer and between us and the kids was that they get good enough grades or they cannot return the next year. they did not meet the grade requirements and I got a letter today saying that they could not return next year. I think we should let them finish the year in the school they are in and then switch them at the beginning of next year as we told them would be the consequence. My husband thinks that they should switch right now so that the consequence for their bad grades is received immediately. what do you think would be the best thing for them?
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome!!! This is a very supportive board and I am glad you joined us. Not knowing the kids' ages or any problems they may have, it is hard to say what is right.

    I DO think that mid-year school changes are not a good thing though. Even given the same curriculum, every teacher will teach it at a different pace. If your kids change mid-year, then they may miss some things and it can be hard to catch up. It is also very difficult socially.

    I do NOT believe that kids don't have the ability to link actions and consequences. I have had lots of people tell me that discipline/consequences MUST take place within a few min of the problem behavior or the child won't know what the consequence is for. This may be true for infants and toddlers, but not for older kids. Just mho.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi and welcome. I am going to assume that your kids are old enough to have requested to be transferred because of friends which I would think would put them in the middle school or up ages so I think they can manage to understand the consequences longer term. Certainly they would be able to understand by the end of school this year that their grades werent good enough for them to continue at their current school and they have to return to their previous school. I would not transfer them mid year. It is not even mid year now. Classes have already started in the second half of the school year.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hi, I really have no idea what the best answer is to this. It did pop questions into my head but I am not in any way suggesting which way to go, OK?? (smile)

    Did your kids have trouble with grades prior to this? (thnking, if this is a long term issue then moving them back, while consistent with the behavior portion of the agreement may not help improve the grades)

    Is this a school that has higher achievement standards (like schools for gifted talented kids, even if a chlld IS a GT student, they may not have the learning style for that type of school--thinking I dont know if I would then waste more time losing a whole school year, there are still four whole months of school so if they are really in over their heads???)

    How old are the kids? Do they have any unmet needs or was this all about social issues (which is not a bad thing, friends are important too).

    I have a student with intense special needs and it is very hard for him to change but he is not a typical learner. Socially changing schools can be very intense but if it is to a school they had already been to so still have connections it may not be as difficult.

    If they are going to be held back anyway, well, maybe then leave them.

    See, no help at all but I guess I would weigh my feelings on all of these things and then decide. I would not suggest being extra punitive just to do it now.... In future if you are negotiating you may lose trust (now clearly we all have times we have to change our minds and rules but you have to decide for yourself, is THIS one of those times??? Will it make enough of a difference? How are they going to suddenly do better if they transfer?)

    I hope you post back what your decision is because now I am curious. It is not easy and I feel for you.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Consequences have to be LOGICAL - first and foremost.
    Not getting to go back to the school... is probably logical... depending on whether or not they were set up to fail (a whole different story).

    However - getting pulled immediately is NOT logical.
    Except for extreme emergencies... switching in the middle of a school year is destructive.
  6. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member


    from what I read the agreement with the school says if the kids do not meet with their standards - good grades etc they cannot return NEXT year. I agree with the others not to move kids in the midle of the year unless the school is not a good fit and not meeting their needs. One does not have to be holier than the pope. If the school decides they cannot come back , you can still be suportive and help them find ways to deal with their problems. Consequences usually damge relationships, undermine trust and the ability to work with each other. Much easier if the consequence is not from the parent but a court of law, police, school etc. The thing about ' consequences ' is that parents, teachers think they are teaching kids a lesson , but kids usually take home a completely
    different lesson and message - generalizing - parents etc are unfair , my mistake - being caught etc. The threat of being kicked out of school or even being kicked out of school is not going to solve problems. Kids on the whole would prefer to be successful , if they could be successful , they would. We have to find out what is getting in their way, why are they doing poorly in school. We get the motivation issue wrong. When kids feel competent, have good relationships with teachers and other kids and feel self directed , they become intrinsically motivated and commited to the values.
    Kids should be at schools which are a good fit , meet their needs.
    The consequence clouds the real issue . Instead of focusing on the problem = kids' academic struggles , their is a new issue - a new placement