Disappointed in some board members

[meowbunny]

This will probably either get deleted by the mods or moved to WC but I'm hoping many of you will see it here first.

Eeky had posted to Jennifer about her concerns with the way Jennifer was handling the whole sex issue with her easy child. Jennifer corrected a few misconceptions but they basically got into it. No problem with that with me. However, Eeky said she was leaving. I PMed her and told her she shouldn't leave. Members had disagreements. Personally, I thought she brought some welcome insight because she was young and an older sister rather than another parent.

Anyway, she is still leaving but not because of Jennifer but because several members had PMed her. Apparently the kindest thing said was incredibly sanctimonious and condescending to me -- telling her she's young and not a mom and will know how to post better after she's been here awhile. Some members apparently really chewed her out and said some pretty hateful things. Eeky did not go into specifics to me nor did she name names. She simply appreciated my concern and wanted to let me know she was leaving because of other members rather than the one issue.

I find it very sad that members would chastise someone because they're not (1) a parent, (2) younger (not that 27 is all that young) and (3) speak bluntly. I feel the more viewpoints we have, the better. If someone doesn't say things "nicely," then maybe a gentle prod by the moderators is in order but certainly not a slew of PMs by other members. It's nice that our friends get our support but not at the cost of hurting someone new who also needs our help and support.

There are some members here that I flat out do not like. A couple of new ones, a couple of old ones. Even so, I would never dream of PMing them and chastising them for the way they post. I choose to not reply to their threads unless I truly believe their actions are hurting their children. Otherwise, I stay away from their posts. If I can't say it publicly, I'm certainly not going to say it privately unless I'm talking to someone I consider a friend and we're just being gossipy. I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to try to hurt another member.

I think those of you who PMed Eeky owe her an apology. She came here seeking help for little sister and stayed around trying to help others. She may not have said things in the gentlest way but neither did I at that age and I only noticed her being blunt when she really felt she wasn't being heard the first time she posted something. It took me 40+ years to learn the little bit of tact I have. At 27, I had somewhere near none. She did not deserve one, let alone several PMs.

 

[BusynMember]

Wow. I'm flabbergasted. I don't usually PM anyone, but if I have anything to say, I say it here. I suspect the people who did PM her did so because they knew they'd get flack from others for suggesting that she shouldn't post. in my opinion we NEED young points of view, parents or not. All of us have had problems with our kids and none of us are perfect, even if we're experienced parents. We've all made mistakes. Why would we reject ANY point of view? Eek, if you're still reading, for what it's worth, I hope you give us a second chance. We all have different personalities and opininions and, like Meow said, some of us get along better than others. I have my favorite posters. But, for what it's worth, I apologize for those who told you to stop giving your input. (((Hugs)))

 

[bran155]

I thought it was mighty brave of that young girl to try and help her sister. The mere fact that she sought us out says a lot about her love and concern for her sister!!! I was so impressed by her.

That is terrible. I have seen a few people get very judgmental and down right rude. I, like you meowbunny stay away from their posts. I think there are ways to say things and even if you disagree with someone you do not have to be nasty or mean about it. We are all learning as we go. We are all desperate and scared. We should all be as kind to each other as possible.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[lillians]

ohhh my how sad i hope that i am not making enemies i guess i will not ever know,, please ,,at 27 a person does have knowledge of life ,,and every one has their right to their own thoughts,i do hope she comes back as well,, we do not all agree,, and thats what make the world go round!!

 

[klmno]

I saw the thread that you are referring to that started this, I think. I didn't realize it got taken further and people were pm'ing to criticize anyone. That doesn't seem at all consistent to who we are as members of this board. I can see why Jennifer was offended by the post, but I think whatever conflict it caused could have been handled thru pm's between Jen and eek personally, or just let go if they couldn't resolve it. Others can tactfully express their opinions in the public threads, in my humble opinion.

There have been a couple of times that I've seen a new person post a reply that I thought was too judgemental and that didn't really apply to the older member being referred to and responded to. I have posted trying to point that out but I have never pm'ed anyone about it and never felt anyone should be pressured to quit coming to the board or posting. I think we help new people who might not be so tactful to be more tactful by being tactful ourselves. (Please don't show that sentence to any English teachers. LOL!)

Also, when I'd been here a few months- long enough to know better- I replied with a rather pushy post to someone because I thought they were getting ready to make a bad decision with their difficult child. I had no business doing that because I did not know the history of what that family had been experiencing. Fortunately, someone posted a brief explanation of what had lead up to that parent's decision. They, of course, did not owe me that explanation, but "hearing" that explanation made me realize how out of line I was to jump to the conclusions I had.

So, although I can understand being offended by the position eek took, I don't think bombarding her with critical and negative pm's were the way to address it.

Thanks, MB for bringing this to our attention.

 

[crazymama30]

yep, the real world is similiar to the virtual one in that we cannot like everyone. I know sometimes myself I have problems writing things the way I want them to sound, so I am sure I have ticked off several people. I try not to disagree unless I can do it in a civil way. You just cannot please everyone.

 

[Rotsne]

Agreed, while I struggle to understand why prevention of alcohol consumption is such a huge issue in other cultures when we really cannot see any damage by letting everyone purchase it as they can do here in Denmark once they turn 16, I wouldn't word anyone off they feel that such a statement is a marketing for alcohol related death. I understand the social differences.

I have also struggled to understand the age gap which I have with my kids who grows up in a world with Internet etc. I understand that I cannot raise my kids in a world without them as I was raised in the 1970's if they are going to be successful after the millennium.

Of course we look different on certain things but that should be that. There is no need to take it further. I hope that Eeky can find the answers she came here looking for in another place if she truely choose not to ignore these totally inappropriate attacks.

 

[Nancy423]

When you aren't seeing the face or hearing the voice in a conversation it's too easy to make the wrong assumptions. What sounds pushy or authoritative in wiritng may not be when spoken. That's the nature of a message board. Personally, I'd love to hear different perspectives becuase I know I am too close to my own situation to "see" other possibilities. It shouldn't matter what the perspectives are. we ALL have the right to take the advice or suggestions we want to hear and leave the rest. Kind of like what we do when a family member or friend has not so nice things to say about our parenting style or whatnot.

This is supposed to be a soft place to land when someone needs support, advice or just a shoulder to cry on. I hope that Eeky (and any others) understand that sometimes moods and stress get the better of some of us.

 

[bran155]

I can't imagine that Jennifer was being rude. She is always so supportive and kind. She always says the nicest things with regards to my posts. She seems to support everyone.

I don't remember this ordeal, was the rift put on the public forum or was it in a private chat?

 

[lizzie09]

I only remember seeing the very start of this conversation as far as I can think,
With regard to Jennifer...I find her the nicest person to relate to, very kind and considerate to me always. I am always grateful for her informativer and quick.replies.

I hope this girl comes back. If I remember she was trying to help her mum with this situation?

We are all stressed out from time to time. I am sure no one means to be mean.
It really is such a nice site to turn to.

 

[Shari]

I truly valued Eekys input. In particular regards to Jennifer's post, she was young enough and "not a mom enough" to remember her own behavior. While I'm not in a place to use that right now, I can see that being VERY valuable to us. As parents, we don't want our kids doing some things. Period. But its nice to have amongst us one who can still relate to the teen life, not just the mom life.

I guess if I were offensive to someone, I'd like for them to post it so I know. Sometimes I think I may be a littler Asperger-y myself, in that I was raised in a box in the middle of a corn field and don't know a lot of "social-ties". I try, really hard, but I know that I don't always succeed. That said, I have "favorite" people and no so "favorite" people, but there really aren't any here that I can say I truly don't care for. I figure some people are just better at fluently writing their thoughts than others.

And I appreciate disagreements, because out of those, often, come some really constructive conversation, and, if nothing else, it gets me to thinking outside of my box, and that NEVER hurts.

Of Eeky's still around to read this, Eeky, I hope you stay. I value your input and as my 11 year old easy child gets older, I can see you really coming in handy to have around!

 

[TerryJ2]

Aw, that's so sad.
I don't recall seeing where she said she was leaving. (Maybe it was a PM?)
I pretty much stayed out of that one.

Maybe you can encourage Eeky to read this thread?

 

[DazedandConfused]

I am not privy to the thread or the situation. I do know that I try (emphasis on the "try") to be polite and not hurtful if I disagree with another poster (which isn't often). Generally, written words come across ten times harsher than we intend.

I just had a work email situation that the receiver thought I had been offended because of what I wrote. Completely not true, so I had straighten that out and vowed to pay more attention to how I write various communications.

I don't pm that much. I would NEVER, EVER pm something in anger or to criticize another poster. Not that there hasn't been a few occasions when I felt tempted.
So, if I do PM it is generally a "How are you? Haven't seen you in a while", or how I gained insight from something they wrote or agree with. Sometimes I get a PM from some way too cool posters! Those I enjoy so much!

I think there is something to be gained from listening to people of all ages and situations.

 

[Steely]

Generally, written words come across ten times harsher than we intend.

I just had a work email situation that the receiver thought I had been offended because of what I wrote. Completely not true, so I had straighten that out and vowed to pay more attention to how I write various communications.

OMG, this is SO true. I can come across probably 20 times harsher in an email than I am in real person. I am not sure why, but I have gotten myself into a pickle at work for the same reasons as you Dazed.

Just recently I let someone know they had offended me on a public post, and they apologized. We all just have to be open, honest, and forgiving - and always assume the best about any one person. That is what makes this board so awesome - we are all mature, intelligent, rational adults, and will to own up when we make mistakes.

Hugs to all.

 

[meowbunny]

Folks, I hope you understand that I did not post this because Eeky was misunderstood or because she and Jennifer had words but because people PMed Eeky and basically told her she needed to be a parent, older and longer with the board. I think the people who did this should be apologizing to Eeky and possibly to the rest of us for causing someone who could have been a valuable member to leave. This really was pretty black and white according to what Eeky said. This was not a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of words.

 

[BusynMember]

I agree with you, meow. I'm pretty blunt here and maybe some don't like my posts. But I say what I feel RIGHT HERE and if anyone wants to take issue, they are free to do it on the public forum so that all points of view are expressed. I look back sometimes and think, "I was too harsh" "I maybe was wrong" etc. Being imperfect myself, it would never cross my mind to take on ANYONE in PM and tell them to stop posting advice.
One of my favorite people to ask advice from is my 24 year old daughter who did drugs. She has never been a mother. She has not always had a good grip on her own life. But, boy, she gives me such good advice and it's from a young person's perspective. I don't think we should shut anyone down in PM--that's intimidating. Do it here so that everyone can chime in. I would have said, "I think she should stay here and keep giving us advice. I love input from the young." PMing in my opinion is sneaky. It's an attempt to drive people away who some feel don't fit in. And in my opinion it's wrong.

 

[Jena]

HI!!!

So, since I'm mentioned in this, I figured i'd jump in. lol. I haven't been on the boards all day.......now, see what happens when i don't come here JK

As far as all this back and forth over what eeky said, what she didn't say blah blah blah.

Is it nice to get a different perspective, sure it is I welcome all thoughts, whether they be good and bad. I have learned to apply what I feel I can learn from (which by the way is most if it) and leave what I do not want, graciously. Eeky was both blunt and very aggressive in her approach I found. I also made sure to carefully respond to her after I found that I was offened, maybe I would of been better off doing it in a PM yet I felt my words were carefully chosen enough to put on the boards. I also pm'd a mod to say hey if it's not ok, pls. pull it

Anyway with that being said, and being lucky enough to be a member here for quite sometime I felt I handled it as politely as possible and also in a way in which from my own thoughts and speaking SOLEY for myself I let her know, hey I value your thoughts, but you gotta go easy and try not to preach. Yes, it does come with age Meow you are so so right. I myself, was told my posts at one time were hard to read, and believe me they sooo were!! LOL Yet i was emotional and bouncing and I made a point to double check my writing now and edit when necessary. She should of stayed, and I made a point of saying how i was looking forward to more responses from her yet to be that blunt was just unnecessary to me.

Yet, also with age I have learned that one can take constructive criticism well and be able to take what you want, leave the rest sort of thing and learn to from it as opposed to running away. So, Eeky if your still around, I think you and I are good and as I mentioned in my response anyone looking to take the time to register in a site such as this to help their mom raise their sister is a good person.

In regards to anyone who pmd her on the side, I think we all feel a rather closeness to one another. Sure ppl have their favorites, it's life and the way it goes. yet I think that there is a strong possiblity that whatever read in those pm's were due to the closeness that can be formed and derived from such a wonderful place like this. That in itself can be looked at in a positive way in stead of a negative. I know we're not allowed to curse here lol, so i'm sure whomever pmd her did it in hopes to give her some insight on how we all try very hard to take the time to respond here as opposed to just flying from the hip with hour reactions, which can be challenging at times when we are all usually tired and emotional from whatever our challenging homes lives bring.

Ok, anyhow that's my umm 2 cents???

 

[bran155]

Well said Jennifer.

 

[meowbunny]

Jen, what you said to Eeky was not an issue to me. I think you handled it well. She was right that she and I were basically saying the same thing. I just couched my words a little more carefully.

You didn't need defending in either PMs or publicly. You did a good job of saying what you felt. Those who PMed took the cowardly way out and basically bullied her into leaving. I hope she comes back. We need her perspective and I think she needs us for her sister.

 

[Jena]

I see your point Meow, believe me I do. I also totally knew you weren't going after me in anyway lol, it's all good!! I just think that maybe whomever did do that, felt it better to PM so as not to embarrass, and to handle it that way as opposed to publicly. Just a thought. I can't really see anyone here ever "going after" anyone. I've been here a year and to be very blunt I think everyone here is exceptional in their own unique way and brings to this place a little piece of themselves. I rave about this place to ppl, yet I dare not give them the website. lol. than they'd know all about me!! That yucky stuff is only for you guys he he!!