disappointed with difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Jul 22, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    difficult child has been doing very well since school got out. Although he rarely goes anywhere, has very few, if any friends, spends most of his time at home playing games on the computer. He loves baseball and has kept busy with that so far. difficult child and husband play catch almost every day, go to the batting cages, practice and games. He also plays catch and ball with the neighbor boy who is 10.
    We have known the neighbors since difficult child and their daughter(same age as difficult child) have been babies. They have seen difficult child in his "special moments". They have also commented on how much he has changed, his choice of friends, his whole attitude. For the better. In the past whenever anything would happen, an arguement, with the kids in the neighborhood, or their kids, difficult child was always blamed. Regardless.

    Ok..last night. Neighbors left their two kids home alone for a few hours (ages 12 and 10). Good easy child kids. They have done this once before and had me check on them periodically. Things went really well that time. difficult child and their 10 year old son have been doing a lot together recently. Playing ball, going to each other's BB games, playing games, sleepovers. They allow my difficult child over when they leave. Last night...difficult child and their son were playing with one of their toys. It was smashed today. (their dad spoke to husband...also spoke to difficult child earlier) difficult child didn't mention anything to us. Anyway, turns out this electronic toy wouldn't stop making noise, so 10 yr. old threw it on the ground. Then the two of them took turns smashing it on the ground. difficult child KNOWS how upset I get about anyone destroying property. (he has had some friends over who smashed many of our toys) He KNOWS that is wrong. why??? he doesn't know.?? If that is not bad enough, they were playing BB in their yard and the 10 yr. old hit the whipple ball over the fence into a neighbors pool. He then said, well..I have to get the ball so may as well get the bat. the boy threw the bat over. He proceeded to go to this neighbors yard, unlock the latch on their fence, (they were not home) go into their yard, and jumped in their POOL. He retrieved his toys and went home. difficult child said he told him not to, but he did anyway. I believe the daughter told. difficult child came home for a little bit last night and said those two were fighting, hitting each other. He said he told them to stop because he would get blamed if anything happened. Well, difficult child IS right. If he was NOT there, those things wouldn't of happened. I heard difficult child's side of the story, quizzed him several times, same story. But he has been known to leave out parts that are important.
    He told neighbor dad that he was sorry, and he knows it was wrong. He called neighbor dad and told him he would pay for half the toy. Neighbor dad said that was not necessary, just wanted him to know how disappointed he was in the two boys.
    So..now difficult child is on the "they hate me" trip. He was online playing a game, neighbor boy was logged on. difficult child asked if his parents hate him. Phone soon rang. It was neighbor dad online and asked why he would think that. I am just very disappointed. I know the 10 yr. old would of never done this if difficult child wasn't there. difficult child knows better.
    I had a long talk with difficult child again. Toy bad enough, but entering a latched fenced yard and going into a pool, with no supervision around. This could of ended a different way. difficult child says he didn't go into the yard. Regardless, that little boy is not a very strong swimmer. The fence is latched shut for a reason. Do not think he will be allowed over when parents are not home anylonger. I have not spoken to neighbors yet. Worked, tried to sleep, and back at work. I just have this feeling they totally blame difficult child. Just from past history.
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    From what you say, I'm not clear on whether the 10 yo went into the neighbour's yard DESPITE your son telling him not to, rather than your son egging him on.

    Kids will be kids. This young boy could be getting to the rebellious teen stage and trying to seem reckless and carefree (it's a bloke thing - testosterone beginning to get out of control). Fighting with his sister - if SHE is trying to tell her brother to behave, t hey would fight. Sounds like a lot of borderline typical teen rebellion, aggravated by an older but not wiser difficult child simply being in the area.

    I would hold off on the disappointment in difficult child, I'd just be disappointed in what happened. It might not have been down to difficult child as much as you think. But I WOULD be keeping this other boy and difficult child apart for a bit, some of the difficult child-ness could be rubbing off on an impressionable young neighbour. And also, by keeping them a bit apart for a few days, if this young boy does anything more in the reckless, destructive line, it will be clearly without any influence from your difficult child, which might clarify the picture a bit.

  3. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I don't see why you are disappointed in your son. From your story, other than adding damage to the toy that the neighbor already smashed, your son did nothing wrong.

    I'm afraid your disappointment in him may be feeding his feeling that everybody hates him.
  4. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    well, difficult child joined in the smashing of the toy. AFTER the other boy did it. difficult child knows how I feel about damaging property regardless of what it is.
    I am sure the neighbors (parents) feel that if is because difficult child was present.
    difficult child did NOT go into the fenced yard with the pool, actually said he told the other boy not to.
    The other boy does not lie very well. That is a good thing. He usually tells the truth because he just isn't good at it.
    Regardless, If difficult child wasn't there, this would not have happened.
    The kids were home alone. I just know from experience that no matter what happens difficult child is always blamed. difficult child stated the same thing. Makes me sad. He did offer to pay, or work it off (cutting the grass)
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    " I just know from experience that no matter what happens difficult child is always blamed."

    This is so sad. But so true. I told my boys, "You are different. You get hassled because some people can't accept that people can be different. But even when other kids hit back, you may never, ever touch another kid because they will always say it's because you're different that you're also dangerous. This isn't true and it's not fair, but it's how things are. We have to live with it - and we manage by being extra careful to never give anybody cause yo criticise you."

    Life isn't fair. Reputations are often undeserved - or if there is some justification, the 'crime' gets blown out of proportion when it's a difficult child involved anywhere.

    Hang in there, Kjs. Deep breaths.

  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    KJs, have you sought counseling yet? You seem so depressed, and I believe your son is feeding off of that.
  7. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I have gone to counseling. I just don't think it works. I can say all I want, but that isn't going to change what happens when I walk out their door, and back into mine.
    I try to be positive around difficult child. I just feel bad for him. He tries so hard to do the right thing, but people only remember the times when things weren't so good. He has done so much better.
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Nope. You are right. you can't change anything once you walk out the door. But that has been my point all along. You have no control over ANYTHING except YOUR reactions. However, you can drastically change how you react to things by treating your depression. Your family is currently REACTING TO YOUR depression. It is an awkward thing to have a depressed person in the house. Everyone feels like they have to walk on eggshells, much like when there is a violent person in the house. If you address your depression, and get a handle on it, YOU will react differently to things, and your FAMILY will react differently to you.

    That's all I'm saying.
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    It sounds like you're putting more blame on your son than your neighbor is. You think things wouldn't have happened if your son hadn't been there. I wouldn't bet on that. If the noise of the toy was annoying the boy, odds are he would have thrown it anyway. And if the first throw caused a part or two to fall off or make a cool noise, odds are he would have thrown it again all by his lonesome. Who knows, maybe his sister might have joined the "fun" if it had just been the two of them. If your son wasn't playing ball with your son, his sister might have been playing with him or he might have just tossed the ball by himself. So, the incident with the pool could have happened no matter what. At least your son tried to stop him. Give him some credit for that.

    Your neighbors have seen improvement in your son. They were comfortable with him being there before. Your neighbor cared enough to call your son to let him know he's not hated.

    I know it is hard to not blame our kids when things go wrong. Past history, past hurts, past embarassments are hard to get over let alone forget. However, we have to look at our kids in the here and now. That doesn't mean we let the past go entirely, just that we have to give them a chance to prove that they are maturing and making better decisions.

    I've found that therapy doesn't necessarily make me feel better but it does give me a different perspective on things. It also helps me work out my feelings. To feel better, I need to get my endorphins moving. That means exercise, doing things that get me moving since I can't take medications well. So, I'd suggest you continue with the therapy. You might want to talk to the prescribing physician to see if maybe you need different medications for the depression since it doesn't sound like they are working all that well.
  10. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    I think you are putting way to much responsibility on your son for controlling that other child's behavior. Your son wasn't in charge, he was just another kid in the mix. Kids do dumb things, ALL kids do dumb things. Sounds like the neighbor boy did most of the dumb things happening that night.

    And keep in mind that your son didn't destroy a toy. The neighbor boy destroyed -- or intended to destroy --it. Your son destroyed what was by then -- at least in the mind of the owner of the toy -- just a piece of trash.

    Despite how you feel, there is something almost carthartic about destroying unwanted items. Many people do it to broken or unwanted things. (My son had an old, cheap electric guitar that didn't work right and wasn't worth the cost of repair. He wanted to smash it a la Jimi Hendricks and Pete Townsend. I let him. Turns out it's not as easy as it looks.)

    You might want to reread your post; it isn't about your son's bad acts but about the bad acts of the boy next door. You have very little to feel bad about your son. Sounds like he did almost everything right. I suspect the parents won't be leaving that child home alone unsupervised for a while....at least I hope they won't.
  11. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I do know that my son had a part in the incident with the toy. It wasn't an unwanted toy. It was an expesive electronic toy. difficult child has had so many kids come over and break things for no reason..he knows all to well how I feel about damaging anyones property. We have had many talks about that. That is my biggest disappointment. So many talks about that.

    I did take Paxil for many years. About a 18 months ago, I put on 30 pounds in three months. Went to the doctor..My cholesterol was really high (use to be low), My weight was all off..I hurt all over, Doctor said it was probably from the Paxil. So I quit. Tried Welbuterin, makes my heart jump out of my chest. Tried Zoloft..weight gain. I am still working on those 30 from last year. I don't do anything though. Stupid hours I work don't allow me to get there. But, will try to go on my 3/4 days off.

    I thought things were going fairly well in the home front. I try to always put on a happy face for difficult child.
  12. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    It sounds to us like things are going well on the home front. Your son didn't go into the pool and told the other kid not to. He came home because the siblings were fighting. He didn't destroy the toy, the owner of the toy did. Yes, he joined in after the initial destructive act, but he didn't go to someone's house and destroy a toy in good condition. He told you the truth about what happened. He did all those things right.

    Sounds good to me.
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Just want to pipe in on the therapy and medication thing. I know how you feel that nothing can change circumstances........because for years I refused therapy and medication as well. However, about 10 years ago I started an anti-depressant and it was miraculous. Yes, I gained a bit of weight, but I did not continue to gain weight, and personally it was worth it. I no longer saw the blackness everywhere, or felt in a tunnel, I could finally see light.

    About 5 years ago, after diddle dallying around with interviewing therapist I hated for years, I found a counselor who has literally helped me change my life. Not the circumstances, because that is out of our control, but she has helped me be able to process things, and see things in a completely different way than I ever was able to.

    Because of these 2 interventions I can safely say that I have become a completely different person - a person I like - even though I still do not like my circumstances. I hope you will reconsider, for your own self, more than anyone else's.