discerning when to help with boundaries

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by compassion, Dec 22, 2008.

  1. compassion

    compassion Member

    Well, it is now day 35, no running away or using. We got through the fifth weekend without her partying. It was pretty exhausting and I sense how much an adjustment this is for her.
    Saturday she kept trying to find people to hang with to no avail. I know it was frustrating. At 9 at night there were others wanting to hang:ended up not occuring.
    There was a lot of drama and I think it upset my difficult child. There was a rash of messages on MySpace . I ended up trying to encourage difficult child not to gossip and contniue to work on ways to relate to boys as people. Oh, and she tends to ask others if someone is mad at a friend. I tell her that is not her business. I find
    I need to keep in tune that she is not taking on to much stuff that is not her business. Her therapist is working on social skills and I will help her fill out the sheet before today's session.
    Any feedback?
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    A lot of that is normal for her age, but as with-any difficult child, it is magnifed. If I had a quarter for ea time my easy child wanted to know if one of her friends was mad, I would be a very rich lady!
    It's going to be hard to instill in her that this is a way of life, not a test of her endurance, and then she can go back to her old life.
    That's where you, as a strong person, come in.
    Maybe you could limit her time on MySpace so she will have to decide which msgs are more important, IOW, prioritize her time. Maybe that will help her pick and choose whether she wants to become involved with-other people's petty dramas. (I call them petty, although I know to teens, it's very important. It's just so aggravating when you get to be our age! :) )
    Gosh, wish I were of more help.

    Congrats on Day 35!!
  3. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    The 35 days is awesome! Do you have some sort of reward program in place for that?

    I don't have much experience with difficult child's but I do have one grown child and one teenager. One way to stay in tough with them and to know what was going on in their "world" is to talk to them about who is mad at who and what is going on with friend 1, 2 & 3. I think I became the person my kids talked to about people instead of their friends. Mainly because I could be their confidant. I would ask questions and for details. Like in your case... "Why would so in so be mad at so and so? What happened?" What did they say to make you think they are mad? Would that make you mad?" Always placing the child in the position of the child under opposition. This also allowed me to know what was going on with the kids they were hanging out with and concerned with.

    I didn't look at it so much as boundaries but rather as guiding through the decision making process of right and wrong. Always pointing out right and wrong and how would you feel if you were in the same position. I don't know if this will help or not...... Good luck.
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Compassion, one other thought ... are you calling it boundaries because she's codependent? Like I said, just a thought ...
  5. compassion

    compassion Member

    JLady, Thanks. I do try to guide and listen.She tends not to tell me though. That is why I check her MySpace and phone daily. Boundaries is yes, Terry she is, in my opinion very codependent and people pleaser. So, try to get her to mind her own business. I have tried and still try to limit her. She was over at her friend's E. last week and just found out a 19 year old boy came over, there were also fights over my daughter's attention to E others were used to having more attention from. So, it is not just a guidance issue , it truly is boundaries when there are people involved. Yes, Terry it does seem petty. I guess what I was trying to say is I am trying to support her to not give into peer pressure so much. I find I can do it fine at home for the most part, I do limit computer/social networking,etc. When I am not around though, she does not say no, set limits, that what I meant by boundaries. She for years gets involves in other's business. Like the example I gave of calling a boy to ask him if her friend was mad at him. I do try and get her to focus on herself, to check in frequently and listen to what is happening.