Discharged; not good

[maril]

Tonight, difficult child was discharged early from the drug and alcohol partial program he was in. To this point, this treatment seemed to have a positive effect, he was willing to go, and staff said difficult child participated and was a good guy. They sent him packing because he chose to leave the building during break, which is not permitted; he broke this rule several times previously.

Frankly, I am stunned and saddened.

My husband made a comment to me that maybe it had something to do with the fact that I have called on several occasions to speak with staff, as difficult child has problems at home and school, and I was looking for referrals (thinking they might steer me in the right direction). I was never inappropriate, only persistent.

Recently, my brother and I were talking about difficult child, and he agreed with me that we are in for the long haul - BUT his interpretation was like maybe in ten years, we might see improvement. Ten years...get out of town! I don't think I can hang in there for ten more years...

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry. I doubt they discharged your son because you called and asked questions. It is pretty common for programs to have very strict rules. If your son left the building, and has had several warnings about this, then they discharged him for that.

The reason they don't let them leave the bldg is that they could go out and get high and then come back in. It is a big problem in outpatient programs. It is actually common, from what I understand around here, for them to discharge a patient the FIRST time they break this rule. So your difficult child continued to push because he got away with it - pretty common difficult child behavior, but if he is doing it in the program then it can lead other kids to similar behaviors.

What plans do you have now to get your difficult child into help for his sub abuse issues? Was there an agreement that he would go to the program or leave? (I am sorry, I can't remember). whatever the ultimatum/plan/agreement you had, now you are going to need to follow through with the consequences of not doing what he should in the program.

Whatever you do, you have my support. Just don't let ANY of the blame for htis be on YOUR shoulders - it is TOTALLY his responsibility to follow rules, and the consequences are HIS.

 

[maril]

susiestar: Thanks for your support. I see from what you posted that other outpatient facilities might not have kept him after the first incident.

We have an appointment with his psychiatrist this a.m.; we had stopped his medications with his doctor's approval and this is a followup to see how he is doing. His psychiatrist is our only hope right now. I have made contacts to others in recent weeks and no success.

There are other issues going on at this time with him (school, home). My husband and I have to come up with a new plan; everything else has failed.

 

[Andy]

I am so sorry! Like Susiestar stated, this did not happen because of anything you did. Your phone calls had no impact on his being discharged. If the facility did not want your phone calls, they would have taken steps to end them. I am sure staff appreciate your requests to help difficult child. In fact, those calls may have been why he wasn't discharged earlier. The facility saw the support he had and gave him another chance. Did the facility let you know that he was leaving campus? It really is a team effort between all facilities, parents, schools, docs, ect. to make this treatment a success.

 

[maril]

Thanks, Adrianne. I honestly don't remember the staff telling me he had been stepping out prior to last night. I'm running on empty right now, so some of my recollections are a bit foggy; so much has been going wrong in our home lately. I was up till 1:30 a.m. last night waiting for difficult child to come in and am exhausted today; we've tried/continue to try giving consequences for breaking curfew, in addition to locking him out one night last week (he has not had a house key for quite some time); unfortunately, in the wee hours of the morning on that night, he broke a door down to get in. As well, we continue to reach out for help. Obviously, husband and I have not been too successful to this point but will follow through with referrals psychiatrist gave us today as another attempt to help difficult child and our family.

Your kind words are helpful and much appreciated. The support you all send helps ease some of the stress! I am grateful.

 

[Rotsne]

IF they discharged him due to your calls, they properly had something to hide. Just a couple of weeks ago a rehab settled for $450,000. Back when the case first appeared the owners and the referral agency attacked the mother of one of the teens for constant interruption and asking questions.

I believe that any program; inpatient or outpatient should operate with a open door policy when it comes to the familie of the person in the program. I don't believe in any period without contact to the family "to adjust". I don't believe that communication face-to-face with parents is something to be earned as part of the program. Of course if they are placed against their will, it could be expected that they will try to get the parents to pull them. There is four strategies for that: Denial, guilt trips, anger or Negotiation. As for all four there is only one answer. Go there, demand one-to-one talk uninterrupted, disapprove the complaint with valid arguments. I found a good site for that.

However I don't think that is the reason. I think that the fact that he broke the rules in this program made them think that he was not ready to quit his addiction. Generally I don't believe can fix a problem they do not acknowledge. So in order not to waste the staff's time and money for those you pays for the treatment, they had to let him go.

Let him home, but do not take responsibility for his choices. He must take the consequences for his choices. That means no money, access to car or anything else that could enable him to continue his addiction. If he choose to drop out and get a job in order to maintain alcohol consumption, which I now understand is a problem by this agegroup in your country, then it must be so. Just don't help him in any way. I pray that he at sometime finds the strength to make other choices and give you my full support.

 

[maril]

Let him home, but do not take responsibility for his choices. He must take the consequences for his choices. That means no money, access to car or anything else that could enable him to continue his addiction.

I agree with you, and we do restrict his access to cash. I am working around using cash for necessities by using gift cards or certificates and personal checks.

I thank you for your very kind words and support.

 

[DDD]

You have my caring suppport. As one who twice received unexpected calls informing me that easy child/difficult child was discharged and had to be picked up immediately, I recall the shock. I also recall my tears (shared only with the CD family) and my fear that my "best efforts" were being thwarted. Residential two hours away didn't help much.

Addiction is a God awful affliction and that it can grip teens and ruin their lives in a New York minute still shocks me. Nice kids. Loving families. High IQ's. Multiple talents. Seven years after it began...I still don't completely accept it.

A hug and a prayer are sent your way. DDD

 

[maril]

DDD: Your words mean more than you can imagine. I am sorry also that you and your easy child/difficult child have had to suffer much.

What makes it even more difficult is that this is the one treatment in which difficult child was having some success! He actually participated and seemed to do well, according to the staff. Maybe, just maybe, I can talk him into attending NA meetings; I have a booklet with local listings we received from the staff at the partial program.

This morning, difficult children psychiatrist stated that, obviously, he is still in need of treatment (D&A program); now what?

 

[rejectedmom]

It might be time to concider checking him into a locked down Residential Treatment Center (RTC) while lyou can. I have no other advice other than to get the help now while you have legal control. Once they turn 18 it is so hard to get anything done. Even if they are agreeable there are very few residential programs available to adults with little income.

 

[DDD]

Hmmmmmmm....I "may be kicked off the Board for tackiness" BUT (can you hear me faintly whisper??)...there is a bonafide fear that your teen "may"
think he is "Billy Bad ***" since he was involuntarily discharged. His peers
(and I assume he has using peers) will either make a joke of it or will try to make him a hero for beating the system.

As I shared before, my teen did not "buck" (an expression embraced by teen boys who are in any part of the system) when I presented treatment
alternatives. Truly he was an awesome loving teen who respected that the best effort was being made for him. I would never had suggested that I was going to "send him to a place where he would be locked down".
That has the connotation of punishing an out-of-control delinquent kid. It may just be semantics but to my children it was a presentation of
the best choices available IF you want to change your lifestyle back to a healthy one. Maybe it is because I have claustrophobia but going to
a residential treatment facility was his choice. Yes, the doors are locked
but so are the doors to our home. He was never going to be forced to stay because (at least with his personality) that would completely defeat the purpose.

Treatment before 18 is best. Financially it is doable. It is easier to change habits the younger you are. Some kids find the idea of going away a bit exciting. No treatment is guaranteed. Where we live the AA and NA meetings are almost exclusively visited by "old people" and "very heavy users". Some groups do not even allow "newcomers".

Explore all your choices. Cross your fingers. I'm rooting for you all. DDD

 

[maril]

Thanks, rejectedmom and DDD.

Last weekend, I left multiple messages at facilities regarding home-based/wrap around. Only one reply, so far - no go - autistic children only.

difficult children psychiatrist also referred us to case manager for home-based; left msg with that case manager; awaiting return call. (We were told by psychiatrist it could be six weeks until ball gets rolling; paperwork, etc. - need to get going.)

I called and left messages with manager of outpatient facility where difficult child was discharged; she has not called back; I was told by therapist, who said difficult child was discharged that the manager would be calling us to confirm but never received that confirmation call; hence, my multiple calls to her with messages left as to difficult children current status.

difficult children psychiatrist also said he is still in need of D&A rehab program. Don't know if my insurance will approve a switch to another facility; have not explored that yet; still waiting for other facility manager to confirm my son's discharge.

difficult child continues off-and-on attendance at school. That is part of the reason for the home-based services request. He is failing school, also.

I hope he/we can get some help before he turns 18.

 

[maril]

Just listened to my phone messages and found out that difficult child is suspended from program but can go back for re-evaluation process in 30 days and be reassigned.

 

[BusynMember]

Ok, well, they have VERY strict rules for any psychiatric facility or rehab program. They have to try to keep everyone safe plus they want motivated people who really WANT to do well, and breaking rules is a red flag. My daughter told me that if you want to get high the best place to go is an NA meeting parking lot. I guess the "inside" rule is there for a reason. I am so sorry that this happened. Yes, it CAN be a long long ride. It can take ten years. It can take two months. It really depends on how motivated your son is to get clean and sober. Nobody can do it but himself. Rehab programs help, but they don't do the work. The person has to do it. (((Hugs))) Been there with daughter and she DID get clean, but not until she wanted to!

 

[maril]

MidwestMom: It does make me cringe to think it could possibly take a long time for my son to get and stay clean, but I will continue to support him.