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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 138739" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Peter, </p><p></p><p>Hi and welcome. I think when I sat down with our sons therapist and said "we have tried everything there is nothing else left - short of the "rack" and exile to Never Never land...we finally came to the realization that if everything we did wasn't right- maybe we should re-learn how to do some of those things so our son could understand us. </p><p></p><p>I equate parenting a difficult child to being and speaking as a parent only in Swedish and having a child who only speaks and understands English. No matter how many times you say DO NOT LIE - he's never going to hear Do not Lie - he hears pretty much what the dog hears. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/talkhand.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":talkhand:" title="talkhand :talkhand:" data-shortname=":talkhand:" /></p><p></p><p>So what to do? First of all effective communication should be everyones first language but it isn't. Learning as a parent HOW to speak so your kids will listen is hard. It's hard because we are brought up to think and believe certain things being said will stick - and....obviously they do not. So then I think it's up to the parent to learn how to communicate effectively. And it sounds like I'm telling you you have no idea HOW to talk to your child and maybe it's offensive - but has anything you've said up to now worked? Nope. </p><p></p><p>So what's wrong with educating yourself and your wife so that what you are saying TO your son actually sticks? If you are willing to do whatever it takes then this falls under that shadow. </p><p></p><p>I have been reading a book called How to speak so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk - and it is phenomenal. It has weekly lessons that you read, a little worksheet in the book with exercises to follow and at first I was nearly insulted - I thought what a dumb exercise I talk nice ALL the tme - and then I tried the first week exercise with a time limit and out of 8 exercises I got to question 2 in the time given. I was floored. </p><p></p><p>Recently at an IEP meeting - I tried the technique (the only one I had done in week #1) with my 17 year old very defiant son - and it WORKED. he looked at me like I had 3 eyes or something. </p><p></p><p>Give this book a read - it talks about how you have to do one lesson at a time and cautions skipping ahead. Learn how to talk to a child/difficult child first before you go skipping ahead with how to tell a child he should not lie. If you skip ahead you don't get a good base of conversation /understanding with your child. </p><p></p><p>One example states a child is in a basketball game. He scores all the winning points on his team. His team looses, and he walks towards his Aunt in the stands. He thinks he's going to get yelled at for loosing, but instead his Aunt says "Hey Buddy GOOD GAME. You should teach the other guys on your team how to play like you!" and you /me most people would think a child would get that as a compliment - but it is NOT - it's a slam. </p><p>Hey buddy good game - GREAT! </p><p>You should teach the others to play like you - SLAM. To a child they don't get what you mean. Instead the child heard - It's your fault you lost because you didn't teach everyone. Which he couldn't do, but to a child he sees it as a put down. Weird huh? THAT is what this book separates. The harmful statements that we say that MAKE you THINK you are saying something good or meaningful - and what a child ACTUALLY hears. </p><p></p><p>Hope this helps - </p><p>Star<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/felttip/sweating.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":sweating:" title="sweating :sweating:" data-shortname=":sweating:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 138739, member: 4964"] Peter, Hi and welcome. I think when I sat down with our sons therapist and said "we have tried everything there is nothing else left - short of the "rack" and exile to Never Never land...we finally came to the realization that if everything we did wasn't right- maybe we should re-learn how to do some of those things so our son could understand us. I equate parenting a difficult child to being and speaking as a parent only in Swedish and having a child who only speaks and understands English. No matter how many times you say DO NOT LIE - he's never going to hear Do not Lie - he hears pretty much what the dog hears. :talkhand: So what to do? First of all effective communication should be everyones first language but it isn't. Learning as a parent HOW to speak so your kids will listen is hard. It's hard because we are brought up to think and believe certain things being said will stick - and....obviously they do not. So then I think it's up to the parent to learn how to communicate effectively. And it sounds like I'm telling you you have no idea HOW to talk to your child and maybe it's offensive - but has anything you've said up to now worked? Nope. So what's wrong with educating yourself and your wife so that what you are saying TO your son actually sticks? If you are willing to do whatever it takes then this falls under that shadow. I have been reading a book called How to speak so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk - and it is phenomenal. It has weekly lessons that you read, a little worksheet in the book with exercises to follow and at first I was nearly insulted - I thought what a dumb exercise I talk nice ALL the tme - and then I tried the first week exercise with a time limit and out of 8 exercises I got to question 2 in the time given. I was floored. Recently at an IEP meeting - I tried the technique (the only one I had done in week #1) with my 17 year old very defiant son - and it WORKED. he looked at me like I had 3 eyes or something. Give this book a read - it talks about how you have to do one lesson at a time and cautions skipping ahead. Learn how to talk to a child/difficult child first before you go skipping ahead with how to tell a child he should not lie. If you skip ahead you don't get a good base of conversation /understanding with your child. One example states a child is in a basketball game. He scores all the winning points on his team. His team looses, and he walks towards his Aunt in the stands. He thinks he's going to get yelled at for loosing, but instead his Aunt says "Hey Buddy GOOD GAME. You should teach the other guys on your team how to play like you!" and you /me most people would think a child would get that as a compliment - but it is NOT - it's a slam. Hey buddy good game - GREAT! You should teach the others to play like you - SLAM. To a child they don't get what you mean. Instead the child heard - It's your fault you lost because you didn't teach everyone. Which he couldn't do, but to a child he sees it as a put down. Weird huh? THAT is what this book separates. The harmful statements that we say that MAKE you THINK you are saying something good or meaningful - and what a child ACTUALLY hears. Hope this helps - Star:sweating: [/QUOTE]
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