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Discussion thread: When did you first know how bad it was?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 622888" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thank you MWM for opening up this dialogue. </p><p></p><p>My situation with my daughter started when her husband committed suicide 14 years ago. She was a relatively good kid growing up, was a little spoiled I think, but was a good student, a trustworthy teenager and we had a good relationship. She lost something in herself when her husband died. I can't explain it. Did the mental illness in my family history get unleashed when her husband died? Did she not grieve in a healthy way and stayed stuck in the anger phase? Geez, I could ask a million questions because I still don't know.</p><p></p><p>Suffice it to say that she started a descent into a very dark place and became a very bitter and angry person who made remarkably bad choices. </p><p></p><p>I think the moment I realized how bad it was was about 7 years ago during a mandatory mediation she and I had to attend through the courts once I made the choice to take my granddaughter. The mediator was a woman attorney. My daughter was belligerent, hostile, angry and extremely bothered that she had to attend this meeting. Instead of asking about her daughter, trying to find a way to reconcile with her daughter, she said repeatedly that she had "plans" and could not stay long. The attorney and I were dumbfounded, this was about her only child and could have been the way she would be able to either regain custody or at least see her daughter. She abruptly stated, "OK what do I have to sign, I have to leave NOW." And she left. I walked out with the attorney who told me that she had never seen anyone react that way before. </p><p></p><p>I know that dead eyes look too. It wasn't so scary to me because I felt afraid of her, perhaps because she is not a 6' tall male.........but it was scary because her eyes did not reflect any feelings, they were void of caring. It was as if when her husband died, that was the end of her ability or desire to feel again.</p><p></p><p>I spent a good deal of time denying all of this. I was overwhelmed with trying to take care of my granddaughter and her two half sisters who were all traumatized by their fathers death. </p><p></p><p>It didn't turn really bad until my daughter was thrown out of her friend's apartment about 2 1/2 years ago. That's when the bad behavior escalated and my enabling patterns kicked into overdrive. Thankfully at around the same time I got into that Codependency recovery program and found this site. Previous to that time, my daughter had held her life together with a job, her own place and just enough sanity to stay afloat. </p><p></p><p>The worst day and the day I really began turning my own life around was about a year and a half ago when my daughter was in jail the first time. She had never been involved with the law before. Her life was a mess and while she was in jail I ran all over the county trying to get her car out of impound, paying all of her bills, calling people, getting her Dad involved (who after 3 phone calls from me, "washed his hands of her"), in other words while she was incarcerated, I took over her crazy life and tried to fix it all. It was totally overwhelming and impossible. The day I learned I couldn't get her car out of impound without these permission slips from my daughter which now involved numerous government agencies and a whole lot of time and money............I broke down in the car and couldn't stop crying. I also had a granddaughter at home who had just had all four of her wisdom teeth removed and needed me home!</p><p></p><p>As my SO and I were driving the hour drive to the County offices to handle all of this.........I was sobbing and he said, "this is like you and your daughter are in a sinking boat with holes in the bottom. You are frantically and relentlessly trying to empty the boat of water, while your daughter is calmly making new holes."</p><p></p><p>That comment broke through the fog I was living in. That was the truth of the situation in one sentence. That was the day I stopped. That was the turning point for me. I had reached MY bottom. </p><p></p><p>Now my daughter is back in jail. The difference between then and now is PROFOUND! I have done very little for her and only what felt right to me. She is respectful and grateful to me. We have rediscovered our love for each other throughout this crazy journey! Every part of our relationship has changed due to my setting boundaries and detaching from her choices and accepting not only the situation but accepting her for who she is. Accepting is not condoning. Accepting is realizing I have no control over any of it.</p><p></p><p>Whew!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 622888, member: 13542"] Thank you MWM for opening up this dialogue. My situation with my daughter started when her husband committed suicide 14 years ago. She was a relatively good kid growing up, was a little spoiled I think, but was a good student, a trustworthy teenager and we had a good relationship. She lost something in herself when her husband died. I can't explain it. Did the mental illness in my family history get unleashed when her husband died? Did she not grieve in a healthy way and stayed stuck in the anger phase? Geez, I could ask a million questions because I still don't know. Suffice it to say that she started a descent into a very dark place and became a very bitter and angry person who made remarkably bad choices. I think the moment I realized how bad it was was about 7 years ago during a mandatory mediation she and I had to attend through the courts once I made the choice to take my granddaughter. The mediator was a woman attorney. My daughter was belligerent, hostile, angry and extremely bothered that she had to attend this meeting. Instead of asking about her daughter, trying to find a way to reconcile with her daughter, she said repeatedly that she had "plans" and could not stay long. The attorney and I were dumbfounded, this was about her only child and could have been the way she would be able to either regain custody or at least see her daughter. She abruptly stated, "OK what do I have to sign, I have to leave NOW." And she left. I walked out with the attorney who told me that she had never seen anyone react that way before. I know that dead eyes look too. It wasn't so scary to me because I felt afraid of her, perhaps because she is not a 6' tall male.........but it was scary because her eyes did not reflect any feelings, they were void of caring. It was as if when her husband died, that was the end of her ability or desire to feel again. I spent a good deal of time denying all of this. I was overwhelmed with trying to take care of my granddaughter and her two half sisters who were all traumatized by their fathers death. It didn't turn really bad until my daughter was thrown out of her friend's apartment about 2 1/2 years ago. That's when the bad behavior escalated and my enabling patterns kicked into overdrive. Thankfully at around the same time I got into that Codependency recovery program and found this site. Previous to that time, my daughter had held her life together with a job, her own place and just enough sanity to stay afloat. The worst day and the day I really began turning my own life around was about a year and a half ago when my daughter was in jail the first time. She had never been involved with the law before. Her life was a mess and while she was in jail I ran all over the county trying to get her car out of impound, paying all of her bills, calling people, getting her Dad involved (who after 3 phone calls from me, "washed his hands of her"), in other words while she was incarcerated, I took over her crazy life and tried to fix it all. It was totally overwhelming and impossible. The day I learned I couldn't get her car out of impound without these permission slips from my daughter which now involved numerous government agencies and a whole lot of time and money............I broke down in the car and couldn't stop crying. I also had a granddaughter at home who had just had all four of her wisdom teeth removed and needed me home! As my SO and I were driving the hour drive to the County offices to handle all of this.........I was sobbing and he said, "this is like you and your daughter are in a sinking boat with holes in the bottom. You are frantically and relentlessly trying to empty the boat of water, while your daughter is calmly making new holes." That comment broke through the fog I was living in. That was the truth of the situation in one sentence. That was the day I stopped. That was the turning point for me. I had reached MY bottom. Now my daughter is back in jail. The difference between then and now is PROFOUND! I have done very little for her and only what felt right to me. She is respectful and grateful to me. We have rediscovered our love for each other throughout this crazy journey! Every part of our relationship has changed due to my setting boundaries and detaching from her choices and accepting not only the situation but accepting her for who she is. Accepting is not condoning. Accepting is realizing I have no control over any of it. Whew! [/QUOTE]
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