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Distraught about 19yr son
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 407709"><p>Wow DDD that is pretty powerful....I need to do that too, accept my son for who he is now and stop hoping the kid he was will come back to me. Hopefully with some time and work we can forge a new relationship with who we all are now and our changing roles as he is now an adult.</p><p></p><p>Ceecee - Oh I so sympathize with you. I have definitely been there and it is just heartbreaking. My ounce of wisdom here is to think about what lessons he is learning by being able to treat you with such disrespect and to so flagrantly violate your rules? He is learning he can get away with it... and yet that is not how the world works. Out in the world if he is that disrespectful to authority and flagrantly violates societies rules he will end up in jail. My son, after we did kick him out had to go on testing the world and he did end up in jail.... two weeks of that and he agreed to go to rehab. It may be the best thing that happened to him although it was pretty tough on me.</p><p></p><p>So as hard as this is on you, and all the feelings of regret, guilt, sadness you may feel you are not doing him any favors by letting him get away with this behavior. Believe me I say this with lots of understanding because it broke my heart to kick my son out of the house.</p><p></p><p>He needs to figure out where to go and what to do. I would suggest that you keep the door of communication open. My therapist told me to do that and it was hugely helpful to me. So I let my son keep his cell phone and we did continue to pay that bill because we wanted a communication line. I would text him every couple of days... often he did not respond... but when he got arrested he called us. We did not bail him out but I did show up at court. We wanted him to know we were there for him and loved him. So after several arrests, and much trouble, he did turn to us for help. We did get him a lawyer who helped him get a plea agreement which included court ordered rehab. I am happy that he knew he could still count on us to help when he was ready for help. At this point he is away from home and we are helping him out as it helps his recovery.... if it appears he is relapsing we will stop in a heartbeat. So in the end it doesn't have to be all or nothing... you can still love him, you can support him when he is helping himself... and you can set limits on him behaving badly and being abusive to you. If you haven't already go to an alanon meeting, they are hugely helpful, especially if you can find a parents one. And yes check out the other two boards.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 407709"] Wow DDD that is pretty powerful....I need to do that too, accept my son for who he is now and stop hoping the kid he was will come back to me. Hopefully with some time and work we can forge a new relationship with who we all are now and our changing roles as he is now an adult. Ceecee - Oh I so sympathize with you. I have definitely been there and it is just heartbreaking. My ounce of wisdom here is to think about what lessons he is learning by being able to treat you with such disrespect and to so flagrantly violate your rules? He is learning he can get away with it... and yet that is not how the world works. Out in the world if he is that disrespectful to authority and flagrantly violates societies rules he will end up in jail. My son, after we did kick him out had to go on testing the world and he did end up in jail.... two weeks of that and he agreed to go to rehab. It may be the best thing that happened to him although it was pretty tough on me. So as hard as this is on you, and all the feelings of regret, guilt, sadness you may feel you are not doing him any favors by letting him get away with this behavior. Believe me I say this with lots of understanding because it broke my heart to kick my son out of the house. He needs to figure out where to go and what to do. I would suggest that you keep the door of communication open. My therapist told me to do that and it was hugely helpful to me. So I let my son keep his cell phone and we did continue to pay that bill because we wanted a communication line. I would text him every couple of days... often he did not respond... but when he got arrested he called us. We did not bail him out but I did show up at court. We wanted him to know we were there for him and loved him. So after several arrests, and much trouble, he did turn to us for help. We did get him a lawyer who helped him get a plea agreement which included court ordered rehab. I am happy that he knew he could still count on us to help when he was ready for help. At this point he is away from home and we are helping him out as it helps his recovery.... if it appears he is relapsing we will stop in a heartbeat. So in the end it doesn't have to be all or nothing... you can still love him, you can support him when he is helping himself... and you can set limits on him behaving badly and being abusive to you. If you haven't already go to an alanon meeting, they are hugely helpful, especially if you can find a parents one. And yes check out the other two boards. [/QUOTE]
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