Divorce or separation

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MICHL, May 15, 2007.

  1. MICHL

    MICHL New Member

    I find myself wishing I was separated or divorced from husband. There seems to be so many strings though keeping me here. husband pays the rent for one. I make a fraction what he does and buy most of food and necessities, but he pays the rent and is struggling to make that sometimes. If I move out I would be sharing an apartment and paying $$$ rent etc and I would not want custody of difficult child. But, I'm sure I would be over here a lot "helping out". We have had separate rooms for a long time, which started with his snoring, but for a long time we just don't get along and I don't even like to talk with him. I don't know what to do. I'm 46 now, but a part of me has kept me here with the status quo. Also, it keeps me closer to difficult child to monitor things. Any advice is appreciated...Thanks in advance
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is a really difficult situation to figure out. Only you can decide if you are better off and happier with your husband or apart from him. I do think all relationships go through times of stress and discontent but that doesnt mean its time to toss in the towel though. Sometimes you have to take a long look at why you got into the relationship in the first place and see if that is still there.

    I have been through a lot in the past almost 24 years and none of it has been easy for any of us. I know there have been times we have both wanted to toss the other one under the bus and walk away but we stayed because we knew these feelings would pass. They did. I am sure there will come another day when I will be ready to stick him in a closet and tape his mouth shut just like he would like to box me up and ship me to china some days but we hang in there because we know at the end of the day it will be all worth it. You have to figure out if you can get to that point. If not, then I dont think its worth investing a lifetime into a sinking ship. If everyone is unhappy and not working to get happy, then you need to find a way to move on towards independent growth. Whatever that may be.

    Good luck.
     
  3. ROE

    ROE New Member

    I agree with Janet, only you can decide what is best for you.

    Everyone I know has had difficulties in their relationships, and at one point or another seem to contemplate separation or divorce, but they didn't all go through with it.

    I've been divorced for nearly 5 years. It's funny, dex started sleeping apart from me "because he fell asleep watching tv". Well, that lasted 10 years. I didn't really mind because he snored too.

    Divorce was the right choice for me but I am not an advocate for divorce. I think that if you still love eachother and you've got something to work with than it's worth the effort to stay married. You'll always have ups and downs, whether you are married or single.

    My two best friends seriously contemplated divorcing their husbands. My advice to them was-think back to why you fell in love with him in the first place, think about the good things. I also encouraged them to try to spend quality time with their partners. One of my friends is super stressed (and she doesn't even have a difficult child)and depressed right now. She is getting professional help. I told her that once her emmotions are under control that married life may not seem so unbearable.

    I must sound like a hypocrit, after all, I am divorced. I did try to take all of my own advice but it didn't work for me. I am happily (most of the time)divorced. I miss not having a partner sometimes but I do not miss having dex as a partner.

    DEX and I have actually become good friends in the past year, but it was hell getting to this point.

    Does your husband know you've been thinking about divorce?

    Divorcing your partner is a huge decision that only you can make.

    Good luck.
     
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Ditto the above. It was the right choice for me as a young woman
    although it put me on a difficult path. My divorce was really
    the result of our difficult child stress although certainly life was not
    perfect before she was born. Although I don't regret the choice
    I made, I have been surprised to find out after my children became adults that the divorce was harder on them than I realized
    at the time. Your difficult child is at a very critical age so the effect
    on him would weigh heavily in the decision. Hugs. DDD
     
  5. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I am in the same place you are. Only the financial situation is the opposite. We would have to sell the house, not the greatest house, but our house. he couldn't afford much of anything, and also difficult child would need to live there or shared. Only, so worried about how difficult child would live. husband doesn't make much, and has no insurance or any deductions taken out of his check. I do and always have. husband has never taken care of any insurance issues OR any issues for that matter. I do. Never has gone to a psychiatrist or therapist appointment. (HE needs one.) Seems like similiar sleeping arrangements. Not what I thought my life would be like. difficult child almost same. Age almost same. Even wondered about divorce but living in the same place. I just need someone who I can lean on. Someone who I can talk to, and husband is not it. He has no desire to speak to me, same here. If we walk down the same hallway, he'll turn sideways and suck in his gut...just to be sure he doesn't touch me. I Want the touch. don't remember the last hug, or anything. Must of been prior to difficult child.
     
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't presume to know what is best for anyone but I can tell you that you are setting the only example of adult relationships your children will know intimately until their own.

    If you and your spouse are living in a loveless, emotionless marriage, is that what example you want your children to see as a healthy one? If you and your spouse are constantly at each other's throats yelling and screaming, do you want your children to think that's ok?

    Ask yourself "if my child were in a relationship like mine, would I urge them to get out?"

    If you can afford it and feel it's worth it, get counseling. If there is no love, what stay together for the rest of your life in a relationship that neither builds you up or satisfies? We are worth more than that.

    I am all for turning every stone before calling it quits. Ending a marriage is not easy. But you usually know when it's time.

    Sharon
     
  7. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I too am happily divorced from a 32 yr marriage, my choice.
    I would say a trial seperation may help, but before that...counseling if you want to make it better and see if you can.
     
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ditto what Sharon said! Hugs~
     
  9. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think Ant's mom makes a good point - a trial seperation. It may be tough to work out some of the details, but it might shed some light into a solution.

    Sharon
     
  10. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    This is a difficult one. I'm not an advocate for divorce except in very serious situations. I had an abusive ex husband. I refused to let my daughter grow up seeing this type of behavior.

    I think I would try counseling first. Divorce only sounds easy right now because you aren't happy. Trust me, even an amicable divorce is not easy. There are alot of emotions you don't even realize you have until you have been through it.

    Steph
     
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