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Do I tell my mom what I think?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 605562" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Well, I am a believer in communicating, in expression and in clearing the air. Not with the intention of changing her at all. Or of blasting her out of the water with your harbored negative feelings. How I always deal with these kind of issues, and believe me, it's so often I have my own formula now <strong>(!)</strong>, is to first talk it out with someone else, a therapist usually, or SO or a friend. Get clear and get the emotional responses, (anger, sadness, resentment) expressed to an objective party. Once I am aware of my feelings and boundaries I state them to the person using "I" messages, not YOU. For instance, "<strong>I</strong> feel devalued and hurt when you choose to not help out financially with the family needs. I understand you have a different point of view, I'm simply stating how that point of view makes me feel." Rather then "you are selfish, you always or never did anything for the family".........etc. For me it's not about what the other person does or doesn't do, it's about me being honest with my feelings and stating them clearly. Then I would state the boundaries. "I don't like to be the middle man between you and the rest of the family, it's uncomfortable for me (or whatever you feel) so I am taking myself out of that position, if you want to know anything you will need to ask them." </p><p></p><p>I've found over many years of this kind of expression, if it's all said with honesty and <strong>without</strong> blame and judgment, instead of alienating another, often it gives the other, perhaps for the first time, the ability to know how their actions impact another. Sometimes it's been an opening. I can't expect that, but that has sometimes been the case. Sometimes people get angry, that's the risk. It's touchy but communicating this way and expressing negative feelings to the source is <em>very </em>freeing and empowering if you can learn to do it in a healthy way. If your intention is to express your feelings and not to change her or hurt her or really have it be about her at all, but about you and your desire to be honest, you may find it liberating. It can also be an opening for intimacy because it is a risk, it takes courage to be that vulnerable with someone you feel hurt by, especially a mother..................</p><p></p><p>Just my two cents.............you will know the right thing to do for you..............hugs.............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 605562, member: 13542"] Well, I am a believer in communicating, in expression and in clearing the air. Not with the intention of changing her at all. Or of blasting her out of the water with your harbored negative feelings. How I always deal with these kind of issues, and believe me, it's so often I have my own formula now [B](!)[/B], is to first talk it out with someone else, a therapist usually, or SO or a friend. Get clear and get the emotional responses, (anger, sadness, resentment) expressed to an objective party. Once I am aware of my feelings and boundaries I state them to the person using "I" messages, not YOU. For instance, "[B]I[/B] feel devalued and hurt when you choose to not help out financially with the family needs. I understand you have a different point of view, I'm simply stating how that point of view makes me feel." Rather then "you are selfish, you always or never did anything for the family".........etc. For me it's not about what the other person does or doesn't do, it's about me being honest with my feelings and stating them clearly. Then I would state the boundaries. "I don't like to be the middle man between you and the rest of the family, it's uncomfortable for me (or whatever you feel) so I am taking myself out of that position, if you want to know anything you will need to ask them." I've found over many years of this kind of expression, if it's all said with honesty and [B]without[/B] blame and judgment, instead of alienating another, often it gives the other, perhaps for the first time, the ability to know how their actions impact another. Sometimes it's been an opening. I can't expect that, but that has sometimes been the case. Sometimes people get angry, that's the risk. It's touchy but communicating this way and expressing negative feelings to the source is [I]very [/I]freeing and empowering if you can learn to do it in a healthy way. If your intention is to express your feelings and not to change her or hurt her or really have it be about her at all, but about you and your desire to be honest, you may find it liberating. It can also be an opening for intimacy because it is a risk, it takes courage to be that vulnerable with someone you feel hurt by, especially a mother.................. Just my two cents.............you will know the right thing to do for you..............hugs............. [/QUOTE]
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Do I tell my mom what I think?
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