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Do letters work? Is it worth writing 35 a letter?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 593425" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I think you should write your letter and tehn burn it. It will have the same effect as writing and mailing it to him, except it won't end up with him using it to manipulate you. I would tell him that yes, I DO know how it feels to lose someone you love because YOU cut me out of your life as long as it was going your way. YOU did that TO ME and now you want sympathy because you might only get your son a few days a week??? Think on that and then talk to me WHEN and ONLY WHEN you can address me respectfully. I am your mother and NOT your whipping boy or servant to be commanded.</p><p></p><p>I would SAY those things. </p><p></p><p>I have experience with letters. I have written them to my mother and she has written many to me. Mostly when she is upset and I am not giving in to her. I have a few of her letters kept, and was often shocked at how others perceived the letters. If you ask my mom, she is only trying to reach me and help clear up what I so obviously misunderstood that she or gfgbro did/said/wanted. Tdocs are truly appalled and disgusted by her letter.s She sent one with her version of Wiz' history to his therapist when we had been here about 6 mos. It was truly scary the things she thought happened to him. To listen to her, he was not allowed out of our apartment for months on end, only taken to a playground infested with needles, never allowed to see or speak to other kids or relatives, and fed only boxed mac and cheese for almost a year.</p><p></p><p>Reality, not only as it was lived, but as documented by his doctors, babysitter, daycare, the relatives in question, and more, is that we did not allow him to play in the play area of our apartment because I found used needles there three days after we moved in. We drove to a playground at least once a day unless he was sick, at least while husband was being a SAHD until we got a second car. Or they took the bus to a park, playground, kids' museum or other event. We saw the relatives at least once every couple of weeks - would have visited more but that was their choice - they pressed us to visit more but never really wanted us around if we did show up. As for eating? He was served a very healthy diet with plenty of fresh and frozen veggies and fruits and often flat out refused to eat anything but 2 or 3 items for a month or two. it would rotate, but often he couldn't get a treat unless he ate some veg or fruit because it was one of few ways to get him to do so. He was always a fussy eater, more so after my mother would tell him how mean I was to make him eat whatever he was objecting to at the time, or for not giving him dessert unless he ate something healthy. </p><p></p><p>I only let a therapist read the letters after she sent that letter to Wiz' therapist. I hadn't known she was going to, and was HORRIFIED by what she said. Guess wehre she got much, if not MOSt, of her info? Gfgbro, who came to see us maybe every two years and did awful things and then would not leave or else would leave but have stuff piled in our home for two months as he traveled. Several times he only returned for hsi stuff because I was going to put it outside to rot on a certain date. The year he brought lice was the last straw. </p><p></p><p>Gfgbro would call me late at night, ramble on drunkenly, and then call my mom the next day to whine about how I never would talk to him when he called, and didn't answer if he called. Took phone records to prove to my mom that he had lost his dang mind and was only saying that because he was blackout drunk by the time he called (it was hard to tell, he didn't slur words when drunk, and it took until he got major felonies because he was drunk and nuts to get her to believe he ever called me while drunk. NONE of what she beleived was true, even Wiz told her it was not long before I even knew what her distorted beliefs were. </p><p></p><p>What baffled me was that she could write all that stuff in the same letter after a paragraph telling me what a wonderful mom I am and how seh wished she could have been more like me as my mom. WTF???? was usually the main thought in my mind as I read her letters. </p><p></p><p>Do. NOT. Send. Him. A. Letter. </p><p></p><p>it will not help. He will read what he wants into it, and it will be used to justify whatever he wants to justify. Later it will be PROOF that he should not ever let you be around his child or for whatever he wants to do to hurt you. </p><p></p><p>In many ways I wish my mom had not written. Though it did give me some credibility to my tdocs and wiz' tdocs when I brought up the strange relationship we have. they also helped me get to the point where I was able to really see how twisted her perceptions of me are, and how my dysfunctional thinking was started and they gave me a way to get tdocs to understand what I was trying to cope with as I dealt with my parents.</p><p></p><p>My bro's letters? O. M. G. DELUSIONAL. Some are just nonstop rants, usually mailed after he left 2-15 messages of ranting until the voicemail cut off automatically (which of course I made the cell phone co do just so I could deprive him of the constitutional right to have me listen to him. Yes, you read that right. Gfgbro firmly believes that he has a constitutional right to say what he wants, when he wants, how he wants, for as long as he wants, to me, to my husband, and to our kids. Only to us, but hey, who needs another whipping post when you ahve 5? Except not he only has his daughter and our mom. Makes me feel bad for his daughter, but not enough to resume the position as whipping post. </p><p></p><p>Don't send that letter. Write if it helps you understand and see things clearly. If you want the thoughts to be sent, burn them and send them into the universe to reach him when he can be receptive. Text him what I said to say, and insist on not talking to him if/when he rants at you or is such an idiot as to tell you what to think, say, do or whatever. </p><p></p><p>You are his mom. He can only treat you this disrespectfully if you permit it. He may cut you from his life again, but what would you lose? You don't really have him n your life now, and you will only have him until his life is calm again. Once the drama is over, he will be done with you. I hate that, and hate saying it, but it IS reality and something you need to think about. why does he call you now? He can't rant at anyone else but J. hopefully j is too young, but I doubt it no matter how much he loves the boy. I don't knwo if he is an alcoholic, but I do know his words and actions are those that would come out of an alcoholic's mouth. I heard MANY similar things from gfgbro while he was drinking, and from other drunks I know. It is pretty common, in my opinion, for them to act the way your SF is. </p><p></p><p>(((((hugs)))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 593425, member: 1233"] I think you should write your letter and tehn burn it. It will have the same effect as writing and mailing it to him, except it won't end up with him using it to manipulate you. I would tell him that yes, I DO know how it feels to lose someone you love because YOU cut me out of your life as long as it was going your way. YOU did that TO ME and now you want sympathy because you might only get your son a few days a week??? Think on that and then talk to me WHEN and ONLY WHEN you can address me respectfully. I am your mother and NOT your whipping boy or servant to be commanded. I would SAY those things. I have experience with letters. I have written them to my mother and she has written many to me. Mostly when she is upset and I am not giving in to her. I have a few of her letters kept, and was often shocked at how others perceived the letters. If you ask my mom, she is only trying to reach me and help clear up what I so obviously misunderstood that she or gfgbro did/said/wanted. Tdocs are truly appalled and disgusted by her letter.s She sent one with her version of Wiz' history to his therapist when we had been here about 6 mos. It was truly scary the things she thought happened to him. To listen to her, he was not allowed out of our apartment for months on end, only taken to a playground infested with needles, never allowed to see or speak to other kids or relatives, and fed only boxed mac and cheese for almost a year. Reality, not only as it was lived, but as documented by his doctors, babysitter, daycare, the relatives in question, and more, is that we did not allow him to play in the play area of our apartment because I found used needles there three days after we moved in. We drove to a playground at least once a day unless he was sick, at least while husband was being a SAHD until we got a second car. Or they took the bus to a park, playground, kids' museum or other event. We saw the relatives at least once every couple of weeks - would have visited more but that was their choice - they pressed us to visit more but never really wanted us around if we did show up. As for eating? He was served a very healthy diet with plenty of fresh and frozen veggies and fruits and often flat out refused to eat anything but 2 or 3 items for a month or two. it would rotate, but often he couldn't get a treat unless he ate some veg or fruit because it was one of few ways to get him to do so. He was always a fussy eater, more so after my mother would tell him how mean I was to make him eat whatever he was objecting to at the time, or for not giving him dessert unless he ate something healthy. I only let a therapist read the letters after she sent that letter to Wiz' therapist. I hadn't known she was going to, and was HORRIFIED by what she said. Guess wehre she got much, if not MOSt, of her info? Gfgbro, who came to see us maybe every two years and did awful things and then would not leave or else would leave but have stuff piled in our home for two months as he traveled. Several times he only returned for hsi stuff because I was going to put it outside to rot on a certain date. The year he brought lice was the last straw. Gfgbro would call me late at night, ramble on drunkenly, and then call my mom the next day to whine about how I never would talk to him when he called, and didn't answer if he called. Took phone records to prove to my mom that he had lost his dang mind and was only saying that because he was blackout drunk by the time he called (it was hard to tell, he didn't slur words when drunk, and it took until he got major felonies because he was drunk and nuts to get her to believe he ever called me while drunk. NONE of what she beleived was true, even Wiz told her it was not long before I even knew what her distorted beliefs were. What baffled me was that she could write all that stuff in the same letter after a paragraph telling me what a wonderful mom I am and how seh wished she could have been more like me as my mom. WTF???? was usually the main thought in my mind as I read her letters. Do. NOT. Send. Him. A. Letter. it will not help. He will read what he wants into it, and it will be used to justify whatever he wants to justify. Later it will be PROOF that he should not ever let you be around his child or for whatever he wants to do to hurt you. In many ways I wish my mom had not written. Though it did give me some credibility to my tdocs and wiz' tdocs when I brought up the strange relationship we have. they also helped me get to the point where I was able to really see how twisted her perceptions of me are, and how my dysfunctional thinking was started and they gave me a way to get tdocs to understand what I was trying to cope with as I dealt with my parents. My bro's letters? O. M. G. DELUSIONAL. Some are just nonstop rants, usually mailed after he left 2-15 messages of ranting until the voicemail cut off automatically (which of course I made the cell phone co do just so I could deprive him of the constitutional right to have me listen to him. Yes, you read that right. Gfgbro firmly believes that he has a constitutional right to say what he wants, when he wants, how he wants, for as long as he wants, to me, to my husband, and to our kids. Only to us, but hey, who needs another whipping post when you ahve 5? Except not he only has his daughter and our mom. Makes me feel bad for his daughter, but not enough to resume the position as whipping post. Don't send that letter. Write if it helps you understand and see things clearly. If you want the thoughts to be sent, burn them and send them into the universe to reach him when he can be receptive. Text him what I said to say, and insist on not talking to him if/when he rants at you or is such an idiot as to tell you what to think, say, do or whatever. You are his mom. He can only treat you this disrespectfully if you permit it. He may cut you from his life again, but what would you lose? You don't really have him n your life now, and you will only have him until his life is calm again. Once the drama is over, he will be done with you. I hate that, and hate saying it, but it IS reality and something you need to think about. why does he call you now? He can't rant at anyone else but J. hopefully j is too young, but I doubt it no matter how much he loves the boy. I don't knwo if he is an alcoholic, but I do know his words and actions are those that would come out of an alcoholic's mouth. I heard MANY similar things from gfgbro while he was drinking, and from other drunks I know. It is pretty common, in my opinion, for them to act the way your SF is. (((((hugs))))) [/QUOTE]
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