Do more of 50% of cases where you kick your kid out works as a solution?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by A dad, Sep 3, 2015.

  1. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    In reading the tons of commentaries on this forum I noticed something parents are that bothered by their children consuming drugs but by their disrespect their laziness their lack of ambition their refusal to grow up and join the mainstream society or at least support themselves or worse they are aggressive and do all I mentioned and kick them out.
    There are enough deadbeats that are not drug addicts or addicts and I know there is no chance to change them but their charming and most likely it will be very late in their life when they can not trick someone to let them live with him/her.
    Now for the ones who are like a deadbeat but lack the charm does kicking them out works most of the time?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think making them leave has to do with you. Some are dangerous, drain your resources, have no respect, won't do any chores, act like they are great big toddlers and parents continue to pay for some grown kids who lay around and decide to make them leave for their own sanity. It is not usually a first choice, but done after many attempts to help the adult child grow up while still at home.

    I personally believe it helps more to force t hem to stand on their own financially than to keep paying for them. Charming or not, nobody will support anybody forever. And looks go as one ages so that can't be depended upon if one isn't pulling his weight in a relationship.

    There is no guarantee any adult will decide to live a fruitful life, but of late many of our forum adult children who have been living on the streets are straitening out their lives (see Substance Abuse and Parent Emeritus forums). If they stay at home and have their laundry done for them, and a warm bed, and are treated like adults who are no more capable than little kids, their motivation to grow up can't be very high. And perhaps that makes them feel that you don't think they are capable of being independent. We have to watch out for silent messages. That's how I feel anyway. And you can't enjoy watching it either, or, at least, I know I wouldn't. Some adults never leave the home. Some parents never get to live their life free of t heir adult c hildren, but it is a choice we all make. We decide.

    Before you make a decision, does your son have any diagnosis? Anything that would hold him back from being an able bodied worker? Are you 100% sure there are no drugs or heavy drinking going on? Are you paying for cell phone, internet, car, car insurance? Age of son? Any behavioral problems?

    This question would probably get more feedback on the Parent Emeritus forum because this particular forum is for people with minor children and PE is for parents of adult children. It's different!
     
  3. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Oh no my trouble son is not such a trouble anymore I considered kicking him out but he got a job in construction abroad and while technically he still lives with me and his mother is not really since he works abroad most of they year. I just wonder what would have happened if I kicked him out would that have been a solution with a high chance of success?
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh! Well, I'm happy for you :)

    It really depends on the adult child.
     
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    As for our Difficult Child, not living with parents has forced him to keep employment, (has had one job for over a year) set money aside to pay for necessities (thinking ahead) and figuring out logistics of getting up on time and getting to work without a car or parent to take him.

    He has had to mature, which he has proven he cannot do while living with people that will 'help' him. AKA:parents

    He is not doing as well as we would like him to be, but he is doing tons better than if he lived here and had an excuse not to try.
     
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    This is critical.
    Some kids "choose" to be deadbeats. Others don't have as much choice - or at least, don't see or are unable to act on other alternatives.

    Drug use, stealing, violence or the threat of it... those are deal-breakers for me. The kid may still need help, and I may be able to present alternatives (rehab, etc). But those items make it so that I cannot be the source of help.

    Developmental delays and mental health issues can be a major factor, whether diagnosed or not. Nobody just "snaps out of" real depression, for example - and that's one of the more "ordinary" mental health concerns. Knowing what you are dealing with is critical to the whole decision process (allowing for previous paragraph).

    If any kid is living at home and not working and not going to school, I would make evaluations, therapy, and medications if indicated, key elements in the ability to stay at home. And I wouldn't be funding the "nice to haves" either. Roof to stay under, bed to sleep in, basic clothing, healthy food, and nothing else. No cell phone, no internet, no games, no money...

    If he doesn't like that, he can either get off his butt and fund his own life, OR be willing for medical intervention... OR leave.
     
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I dont think kicking a kid out is a "solution" really. The reality is that when you kick a kid out it often gets way worse before it gets better. We kicked my son out and things definintely got worse with arrests and some homelessness etc. The time he was homeless was definitely very hard on me. So at this point I dont see it as a good way to force them to get help, because they might not for awhile and there are many risks along the way.

    Having said that in our case I still think it was the only thing we really could do. He was flagrantly violating all the rules (which were minor normal things you would expect of anyone living with you) and when he told me he needed to turn things around he threatened me. I knew then we could not continue to let him live a life where you didnt have to obey any rules.... and that in society that would nto be tolerated... and it wasn't which is why he was arrested several times!!

    I will say that now a few years later he has voluntarily gone to rehab and really seems to be turning things around because he wants to. But this is after a rough few years.

    So I think there are times when kicking a kid out is really the only option, but I would not do it as a means to get them to get their life together because things could just get worse.
     
  8. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your question is one that is relative to each individual situation. You will find some families here who say it is the best thing that every happened because it forced their "child" to face life in a state of reality. You will find others who "child" limps along with the same pattern of drug abuse, self-entitlement or lack of drive and flops on an occasional friend's sofa and the parent doesn't ever truly know where their "child" is. And then there is all the in between....

    One thing we learn as parents of difficult and challenging kids is that each and every one is different. They respond differently to treatment, medication, socialization, school interventions, etc. In the long run, with all we do as they grow from toddlers to elementary students, to teens, ultimately they become adults and make their own choices.

    Sharon
     
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