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Do we fall out of love with our children?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 125357" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>SOS - </p><p></p><p></p><p> Every time someone whom we love abuses us whether it's verbal, emotional, physical or spiritually - even if we forgive that person, while we are unaware of this - we start to build walls. Each transgression is a brick in that wall. We try to reason with the person, and we forgive them, but once a brick is set in mortar - not much will budge it. </p><p></p><p>Each time the abuser comes back to us we feel a little safer with our wall around us to protect us. Early on in building our brick wall when an abuser does something nice - we tend to remove a brick or two, until we're abused again. Then we add a brick. Eventually this two bricks on the wall, one brick off labor catches up with the abuser and we wall them out completely. We have to - it's survival. </p><p></p><p>For a while - I think we are very content to just stay behind our wall - and out of sight out of mind takes over. And then one day - the abusive person comes back to us for whatever reason (maybe they found themselves and needed to make amends, or maybe they thought enough time had passed that we'd forget and remove a brick or two so they could get 'in' again) </p><p></p><p>When you're hurt as bad as you are - you're not so willing to take the brick out of the wall and at this point - passing notes is safe. In otherwords communication okay - but I'm not taking a single brick out for you - too much work to build it - and I'm not so easily fooled now - I've had safety and security and I like it. So we see them as playing the same two on one off brick game - and no one should blame us for that. </p><p></p><p>Do I think it's possible you've fallen out of love with your son? ((shrug)) who am I to say?? Do I think that these children put us in such a traumatic perpetual state of bricklaying we're ultra sensitive about letting our guard down? Sure - we didn't do anything to be abused or treated like we were treated, and most people would steer clear of anyone as toxic as an older difficult child - ESPECIALLY when you pour your heart and sole into their lives and the preservation of their lives and they just constantly pound themselves into the dirt and try to take us down with them. Who wants that every day again? </p><p></p><p>You know - you can fall out of love with peoples behaviors - and then they can be consistently trustworthy for years and years - and then we fall back in love with the people we fell out of love with - but only because they changed. Their behaviors change and we feel we can live with that. </p><p></p><p>I can tell you this much - my x abused me for so long that my wall was heaven high and ends of the earth long. The day I put the last brick in that wall -I had to stand on tip toe. Apparently it didn't stick and came tumbling down and hit me in the head - and when it did it knocked some sense into me - and I left. I have always said - that last brick was a wakeup call. </p><p></p><p>I have told this story to my son. And when he does something outrageous - I merely have to say "well there's another brick between us" and he gets my point. I told him too - it takes ONE bad deed to get a brick - the older I get the more good deeds it takes to remove one. </p><p></p><p>Currently he's in the process of removing them - and I can tell you they aren't coming off as fast as they went up. </p><p></p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 125357, member: 4964"] SOS - Every time someone whom we love abuses us whether it's verbal, emotional, physical or spiritually - even if we forgive that person, while we are unaware of this - we start to build walls. Each transgression is a brick in that wall. We try to reason with the person, and we forgive them, but once a brick is set in mortar - not much will budge it. Each time the abuser comes back to us we feel a little safer with our wall around us to protect us. Early on in building our brick wall when an abuser does something nice - we tend to remove a brick or two, until we're abused again. Then we add a brick. Eventually this two bricks on the wall, one brick off labor catches up with the abuser and we wall them out completely. We have to - it's survival. For a while - I think we are very content to just stay behind our wall - and out of sight out of mind takes over. And then one day - the abusive person comes back to us for whatever reason (maybe they found themselves and needed to make amends, or maybe they thought enough time had passed that we'd forget and remove a brick or two so they could get 'in' again) When you're hurt as bad as you are - you're not so willing to take the brick out of the wall and at this point - passing notes is safe. In otherwords communication okay - but I'm not taking a single brick out for you - too much work to build it - and I'm not so easily fooled now - I've had safety and security and I like it. So we see them as playing the same two on one off brick game - and no one should blame us for that. Do I think it's possible you've fallen out of love with your son? ((shrug)) who am I to say?? Do I think that these children put us in such a traumatic perpetual state of bricklaying we're ultra sensitive about letting our guard down? Sure - we didn't do anything to be abused or treated like we were treated, and most people would steer clear of anyone as toxic as an older difficult child - ESPECIALLY when you pour your heart and sole into their lives and the preservation of their lives and they just constantly pound themselves into the dirt and try to take us down with them. Who wants that every day again? You know - you can fall out of love with peoples behaviors - and then they can be consistently trustworthy for years and years - and then we fall back in love with the people we fell out of love with - but only because they changed. Their behaviors change and we feel we can live with that. I can tell you this much - my x abused me for so long that my wall was heaven high and ends of the earth long. The day I put the last brick in that wall -I had to stand on tip toe. Apparently it didn't stick and came tumbling down and hit me in the head - and when it did it knocked some sense into me - and I left. I have always said - that last brick was a wakeup call. I have told this story to my son. And when he does something outrageous - I merely have to say "well there's another brick between us" and he gets my point. I told him too - it takes ONE bad deed to get a brick - the older I get the more good deeds it takes to remove one. Currently he's in the process of removing them - and I can tell you they aren't coming off as fast as they went up. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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Do we fall out of love with our children?
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