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Do we fall out of love with our children?
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 125837" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>This is true. These are the words that describe the underlying feelings ~ or the seeming lack of feelings. The time between loving him the way we all love our children and now has been filled with desperate pain and unending self-reflection. For me, and for all of us, trying so hard to figure out where we went wrong or how to help, how to undo whatever it was before we finally learned to hold ourselves separate, that imagery of the other person in the relationship "missing in action" is good imagery to hold on to.</p><p></p><p>If I can look at it that way, I can understand what sorts of feelings to expect, and have a clue as to how to cope with them.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, Marcie.</p><p></p><p> <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>Jo, your comment about how the intensity and chaos of our relationships with our children makes the "normal" relationship with them (or with a father, as in totoro's case) impossible was very insightful. It was my expectation that I should know how to do this, that I should be instinctively happy, or find myself as emotionally invested as I would be if much of this had never happened, that was throwing me off track. </p><p></p><p>That is a good thing to know. The other side of it is that, just like when these things first began happening, I began questioning my responses rather than allowing myself to feel what I was feeling and trust that, for now, those feelings are legitimate, and are enough.</p><p></p><p>And like you, totoro, I too can claim the right to protect my core self until I decide to allow what might have been.</p><p></p><p>It seems wrong to feel that sense of reluctance regarding your own child, and I am surprised to find that I feel this way.</p><p></p><p>But I am more comfortable with those feelings now than I was before I posted.</p><p></p><p>MWM, I loved the way you said you feel the light of that intense mother-love fading ~ that is just what this feels like. There is a part of me which still grieves my lost child fiercely. There is another part though, which went on living, and has continued creating her life.</p><p></p><p>It's like there is a gap between those two parts of who I am. </p><p></p><p>Stands, it IS like a horror movie in a way, isn't it. I want to be there and be wise and helpful and loving, but I just know something awful may be waiting right around the corner and I am safe here, where I know the rules and have the barriers between myself and the pain fully erected.</p><p></p><p>Star, you are right. There is fear at the base of this seeming numbness on my part. Fear of being hurt and fear of being made a fool of and fear of going back to that place where difficult child consumed all my thoughts and energy.</p><p></p><p>It was way hard to pull myself away from there.</p><p></p><p>BBK...I think I see what you are saying. The detachment I practiced had mostly to do with detaching from the pain and the attending depression. I simply refused to allow the feelings. (And interestingly enough, ladies, I have recently developed asthma. Not that there could not be physical reasons why this should be so, but I have been wondering about the possible psychological underpinnings of an illness whose symptoms include anxiety and feelings of suffocation and loss of control ~ alot.) What you are saying, BBK, is that I need to focus on detaching from the outcome.</p><p></p><p>Good or bad, warm and loving or manipulative, I need to establish boundaries between my expectations of myself as a mother and whatever actions my son chooses to take next.</p><p></p><p>Because that seems to be where the battle is ~ between my expectations of myself and my real feelings ~ or seeming lack thereof.</p><p></p><p>Sorry for sounding like a textbook again guys ~ just thinking out loud, here.</p><p></p><p>Shari ~ I do need to give myself credit for responding in a measured manner after all we have been through with this kid. Strange, isn't it, how our first response continues to be to condemn ourselves because it ~ whatever it is, isn't perfect.</p><p></p><p>Meowbunny, I believe I will post what you said about needing coats of armor not only to fight for our kids but to protect ourselves from them near the phone. This time needs to be a time of balance for me, and for husband. </p><p></p><p>Like BBK said, we need to begin practicing detachment at another level.</p><p></p><p>No judgment, no hope, no pretending the elephant in the living room isn't there.</p><p></p><p>Thank you all so much for your responses.</p><p></p><p>I am moving through this in a way I don't think I would have been able to accomplish on my own. </p><p></p><p>Okay, then.</p><p></p><p>Looks like I am upright, again.</p><p></p><p><img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 125837, member: 3353"] This is true. These are the words that describe the underlying feelings ~ or the seeming lack of feelings. The time between loving him the way we all love our children and now has been filled with desperate pain and unending self-reflection. For me, and for all of us, trying so hard to figure out where we went wrong or how to help, how to undo whatever it was before we finally learned to hold ourselves separate, that imagery of the other person in the relationship "missing in action" is good imagery to hold on to. If I can look at it that way, I can understand what sorts of feelings to expect, and have a clue as to how to cope with them. Thank you, Marcie. :) Jo, your comment about how the intensity and chaos of our relationships with our children makes the "normal" relationship with them (or with a father, as in totoro's case) impossible was very insightful. It was my expectation that I should know how to do this, that I should be instinctively happy, or find myself as emotionally invested as I would be if much of this had never happened, that was throwing me off track. That is a good thing to know. The other side of it is that, just like when these things first began happening, I began questioning my responses rather than allowing myself to feel what I was feeling and trust that, for now, those feelings are legitimate, and are enough. And like you, totoro, I too can claim the right to protect my core self until I decide to allow what might have been. It seems wrong to feel that sense of reluctance regarding your own child, and I am surprised to find that I feel this way. But I am more comfortable with those feelings now than I was before I posted. MWM, I loved the way you said you feel the light of that intense mother-love fading ~ that is just what this feels like. There is a part of me which still grieves my lost child fiercely. There is another part though, which went on living, and has continued creating her life. It's like there is a gap between those two parts of who I am. Stands, it IS like a horror movie in a way, isn't it. I want to be there and be wise and helpful and loving, but I just know something awful may be waiting right around the corner and I am safe here, where I know the rules and have the barriers between myself and the pain fully erected. Star, you are right. There is fear at the base of this seeming numbness on my part. Fear of being hurt and fear of being made a fool of and fear of going back to that place where difficult child consumed all my thoughts and energy. It was way hard to pull myself away from there. BBK...I think I see what you are saying. The detachment I practiced had mostly to do with detaching from the pain and the attending depression. I simply refused to allow the feelings. (And interestingly enough, ladies, I have recently developed asthma. Not that there could not be physical reasons why this should be so, but I have been wondering about the possible psychological underpinnings of an illness whose symptoms include anxiety and feelings of suffocation and loss of control ~ alot.) What you are saying, BBK, is that I need to focus on detaching from the outcome. Good or bad, warm and loving or manipulative, I need to establish boundaries between my expectations of myself as a mother and whatever actions my son chooses to take next. Because that seems to be where the battle is ~ between my expectations of myself and my real feelings ~ or seeming lack thereof. Sorry for sounding like a textbook again guys ~ just thinking out loud, here. Shari ~ I do need to give myself credit for responding in a measured manner after all we have been through with this kid. Strange, isn't it, how our first response continues to be to condemn ourselves because it ~ whatever it is, isn't perfect. Meowbunny, I believe I will post what you said about needing coats of armor not only to fight for our kids but to protect ourselves from them near the phone. This time needs to be a time of balance for me, and for husband. Like BBK said, we need to begin practicing detachment at another level. No judgment, no hope, no pretending the elephant in the living room isn't there. Thank you all so much for your responses. I am moving through this in a way I don't think I would have been able to accomplish on my own. Okay, then. Looks like I am upright, again. :) Barbara [/QUOTE]
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