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Do we fall out of love with our children?
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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 126494" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p>There's a curious phenomenon that I believe is called "survivor's syndrome". It occurs when people who have terminal cancer don't die. They go into remission, or the cancer actually goes away.</p><p></p><p>The problem is that by that time, they've already said their goodbyes, made whatever arrangements they were going to make, etc. But, they never left.</p><p></p><p>People in this situation say that they have a hard time "reconnecting" with people, especially loved ones who had already accepted their impending demise. </p><p></p><p>That said, I <strong>DON'T</strong> believe we ever stop loving people. I do believe, however, that it's natural human psychology to grieve, and then to learn to go on with life despite whatever loss you've endured. Unfortunately for these cancer patients, their loved ones have already moved on - emotionally, and it's hard to go back to the relationship they had. Losing someone - or accepting their pending departure - is hard for loved ones, and there's a fear of reconnecting, only to have to go through the pain again.</p><p></p><p>With our difficult children, I believe that we go through a similar process. I don't believe it means we love them less; by that I mean that I don't love my Mom any less now that she's gone. I miss her terribly, but I've accepted her passing and the hole it left in my life.</p><p></p><p>I'm getting to the same point with my son as well. He is departing from me, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can try, but ultimately it's out of my hands, and trying is probably of more benefit to my own psyche than it is to McWeedy. Barring a miracle, the day will come - soon - that I finally accept the finality of McWeedy's chosen path, and I will detach. </p><p></p><p>When that finally happens, I won't love him any less than I did the day he came home from the hospital as a baby. But I don't know if I could ever go back to the type of relationship I tried to have, and wanted to have.</p><p></p><p>But for me, at least, the story doesn't have to end badly, either. As a kid, my Father was never around. Dad was always someone who visited, but never lived with us. I tried and tried to have a "father/son" relationship with him, but it never happened. As i got older, I went through all the grieving stages and finally accepted that I would never have a "daddy". We became estranged when I was a young teen, after I'd finally detached from chasing the ghost of something I could never have.</p><p></p><p>That could be the end of the story, but it isn't. As a young adult, I found out that my Dad had taken a job in a nearby town. Many years had gone by, and I wasn't the same frightened, lonely kid I was when I let go of him years before. I decided to give him a call. One thing lead to another, and I discovered that I <strong><u>could</u></strong> have a relationship with him. Was it father/son? Not really. Did he finally become "daddy"? Not hardly. But I was able to forge a meaningful relationship with him that I still value to this day.</p><p></p><p>It wasn't what I wanted, but it's a far sight better than anything I'd hoped to have when I gave up on him in my teens.</p><p></p><p>So, I guess that's a long way of saying that I don't believe we ever truly stop loving, but we may get to a point where our relationships change with those we love; out of necessity, because it's forced on us by the other person, whatever.</p><p></p><p>Just my thoughts on the subject. Sorry for the long diatribe, but it's a hard thing for me to put into words. I hope it makes sense.</p><p></p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 126494, member: 3579"] There's a curious phenomenon that I believe is called "survivor's syndrome". It occurs when people who have terminal cancer don't die. They go into remission, or the cancer actually goes away. The problem is that by that time, they've already said their goodbyes, made whatever arrangements they were going to make, etc. But, they never left. People in this situation say that they have a hard time "reconnecting" with people, especially loved ones who had already accepted their impending demise. That said, I [B]DON'T[/B] believe we ever stop loving people. I do believe, however, that it's natural human psychology to grieve, and then to learn to go on with life despite whatever loss you've endured. Unfortunately for these cancer patients, their loved ones have already moved on - emotionally, and it's hard to go back to the relationship they had. Losing someone - or accepting their pending departure - is hard for loved ones, and there's a fear of reconnecting, only to have to go through the pain again. With our difficult children, I believe that we go through a similar process. I don't believe it means we love them less; by that I mean that I don't love my Mom any less now that she's gone. I miss her terribly, but I've accepted her passing and the hole it left in my life. I'm getting to the same point with my son as well. He is departing from me, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can try, but ultimately it's out of my hands, and trying is probably of more benefit to my own psyche than it is to McWeedy. Barring a miracle, the day will come - soon - that I finally accept the finality of McWeedy's chosen path, and I will detach. When that finally happens, I won't love him any less than I did the day he came home from the hospital as a baby. But I don't know if I could ever go back to the type of relationship I tried to have, and wanted to have. But for me, at least, the story doesn't have to end badly, either. As a kid, my Father was never around. Dad was always someone who visited, but never lived with us. I tried and tried to have a "father/son" relationship with him, but it never happened. As i got older, I went through all the grieving stages and finally accepted that I would never have a "daddy". We became estranged when I was a young teen, after I'd finally detached from chasing the ghost of something I could never have. That could be the end of the story, but it isn't. As a young adult, I found out that my Dad had taken a job in a nearby town. Many years had gone by, and I wasn't the same frightened, lonely kid I was when I let go of him years before. I decided to give him a call. One thing lead to another, and I discovered that I [B][U]could[/U][/B] have a relationship with him. Was it father/son? Not really. Did he finally become "daddy"? Not hardly. But I was able to forge a meaningful relationship with him that I still value to this day. It wasn't what I wanted, but it's a far sight better than anything I'd hoped to have when I gave up on him in my teens. So, I guess that's a long way of saying that I don't believe we ever truly stop loving, but we may get to a point where our relationships change with those we love; out of necessity, because it's forced on us by the other person, whatever. Just my thoughts on the subject. Sorry for the long diatribe, but it's a hard thing for me to put into words. I hope it makes sense. Mikey [/QUOTE]
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