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Do we get something out of enabling our grown kids?
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 637509" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>This is key for me. Did I make my child troubled? Not intentionally at least. Did he wake up one morning and decide he would be a colicky baby, difficult toddler, socially awkward child, make his school life as hard as possible for himself, get traumatised and in the end, because of whatever genetic and environmental factors make himself both addicted and mentally ill? Can't say for sure, but doesn't sound likely to me. So okay, no need to distribute blame around among us. But even without a clear-cut guilty party, fact remains. Kid is troubled. He is ill.</p><p></p><p>Having ill or disabled child is no fun, but it is life and if that is in my cards, so be it. I will deal with it. And I will help my disabled or ill child (or other loved one) in the best of my ability. What can I do to help varies (in the end only thing to help can in some circumstances be to pray for that loved one) and what I'm actually able to do without sacrificing too much also varies (and here comes the boundaries and protecting myself and others in to the play.) But I simply doesn't see any fundamental difference with a child, who has cancer and who has mental illness, nor I see difference between being disabled because of physical handicap and addiction. </p><p></p><p>I have simply lived with, known and loved too many people with mental or behavioural issues that I could see them inferior to those, whose issues are physical. Whatever the reason for disability is, it doesn't change the fact that there is a disability. And almost never people choose it to themselves (of course you can make a case that when someone rides bicycle without a helmet they chose their brain damage or whatever, but in reality everyone makes more or less stupid and reckless choices almost daily in one way or another. Some of us get lucky, some don't.)</p><p></p><p>We can't give more than we can, and we need to keep boundaries when there is someone close to us who needs very much. That is true. And sometimes we have to choose, if it is worth the shot to put our retirement funding to one last experimental chemotherapy trial in country next over or one more trip to that rehab, and make those hard choices with both eyes open and also sometime decide it is not worth the shot. But I do not see any fundamental difference between the two.</p><p></p><p>That is why I have big issues with this whole enabling-thing. I simply don't see it as something negative to help another person, if you can afford it (financially, mentally, emotionally, it being fair to your other loved ones etc.)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 637509, member: 14557"] This is key for me. Did I make my child troubled? Not intentionally at least. Did he wake up one morning and decide he would be a colicky baby, difficult toddler, socially awkward child, make his school life as hard as possible for himself, get traumatised and in the end, because of whatever genetic and environmental factors make himself both addicted and mentally ill? Can't say for sure, but doesn't sound likely to me. So okay, no need to distribute blame around among us. But even without a clear-cut guilty party, fact remains. Kid is troubled. He is ill. Having ill or disabled child is no fun, but it is life and if that is in my cards, so be it. I will deal with it. And I will help my disabled or ill child (or other loved one) in the best of my ability. What can I do to help varies (in the end only thing to help can in some circumstances be to pray for that loved one) and what I'm actually able to do without sacrificing too much also varies (and here comes the boundaries and protecting myself and others in to the play.) But I simply doesn't see any fundamental difference with a child, who has cancer and who has mental illness, nor I see difference between being disabled because of physical handicap and addiction. I have simply lived with, known and loved too many people with mental or behavioural issues that I could see them inferior to those, whose issues are physical. Whatever the reason for disability is, it doesn't change the fact that there is a disability. And almost never people choose it to themselves (of course you can make a case that when someone rides bicycle without a helmet they chose their brain damage or whatever, but in reality everyone makes more or less stupid and reckless choices almost daily in one way or another. Some of us get lucky, some don't.) We can't give more than we can, and we need to keep boundaries when there is someone close to us who needs very much. That is true. And sometimes we have to choose, if it is worth the shot to put our retirement funding to one last experimental chemotherapy trial in country next over or one more trip to that rehab, and make those hard choices with both eyes open and also sometime decide it is not worth the shot. But I do not see any fundamental difference between the two. That is why I have big issues with this whole enabling-thing. I simply don't see it as something negative to help another person, if you can afford it (financially, mentally, emotionally, it being fair to your other loved ones etc.) [/QUOTE]
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