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Do we get something out of enabling our grown kids?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 637560" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>RE, I hear ya. My sister had that role...or maybe she was the lost child. She chose to be quiet and detach from the family, but, in the end, desperately wanted to be loved by both of our parents. To do that, she had to turn on me, which s he has done on and off for years. My brother was the Golden Child. My parents paid his college in full and he went to a very expensive college...Northwestern University in Chicago. He got his Masters. My sister went to college too, but she had to pay in full. No wonder she has turned out like she did. Yet she is still in denial about our family and says, "Oh, our family wasn't that different than most families. They all have problems."</p><p></p><p>Which is true.</p><p></p><p>But ours lacked the basic unconditional love that all children need. We behaved by acting like everything was all right or we were ostracized. My sister was ostracized until her late twenties when she decided she wanted our mother to love her and she became another Good Child, if not the Golden Child...nobody could take the place of my brother. Funnily, the Golden Child for my grandmother (mother's mother) was her son as well. Why were these two men both the Golden Children, although both, especially my uncle, were terribly flawed? Well, because my mother called the shots in our family (father was narcicisstic and largely absent) and both of these men protected their mothers to the end. My uncle even divorced a woman for speaking her mind to his mother (my grandma). And my grandma was EXTREMELY bossy, manipulative, and protective of her son, even in his 40's, even while he was married. The wife simply told the grandmother that she would rather do the laundry herself and that her son could do his own laundry, as he usually did. She was trying to wash his clothes for him. Wife was upset because Uncle was very entitled. His mother took care of him like he was still a toddler whenever he visited her. Wife was trying to get Uncle to do his share of the housework as they both worked fulltime. Well, she dared to challenge his mother and the family gossip buzzed with hate. She was a terrible person. SHE TALKED BACK TO GRANDMA. He divorced her.</p><p></p><p>Several years later he married somebody who kissed his mother's feet. It wouldn't have worked out any other way. "Love me, love my mother even more." Understand, she was a difficult woman.</p><p></p><p>There was a gender component there too. My mother's mantra was, "Girls don't have to be smart. They just have to be beautiful." Ummmmmmmmmmmmm, right. Of course Uncle had gotten a PhD at Illinois Institute of Technology, paid for by his parents, and Mother had been forbidden to go to college because "woman don't need college."</p><p></p><p>Amazing how t he cycle in our family was a replay.</p><p></p><p>At least, as the black sheep, I did see the problem and this dynamic did not play out in my family. In fact, my kids don't even know my family of origin as t hey bowed out early. It waas good that they did. I swore it would not be that way in my family. 36 was difficult from Day One, but he does give me kudoes as a parent and says, "I had a good childhood." That is unusual for a difficult child, but there you go. I went into overdrive trying to make my kids all feel loved and wanted. Equally. Maybe that's why I was a doormat and why 36 felt so entitled himself. I don't know.</p><p></p><p>Anyhow, if you read this rant, lol, I hope it didn't put you to sleep. What you said triggered deep feelings from way back.</p><p></p><p>I think all roles in dysfunctional, conditional love families are hard. It is hard to try to be THAT GOOD so that you're not rejected too. It is hard to be the ghost who does disappear to escape notice. It is hard to be the blacksheep and be unable to block out the sickness and have foot-in-mouth disease so that you feel a need to talk about it.</p><p></p><p>Everything is hard when a family does not love unconditionally.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 637560, member: 1550"] RE, I hear ya. My sister had that role...or maybe she was the lost child. She chose to be quiet and detach from the family, but, in the end, desperately wanted to be loved by both of our parents. To do that, she had to turn on me, which s he has done on and off for years. My brother was the Golden Child. My parents paid his college in full and he went to a very expensive college...Northwestern University in Chicago. He got his Masters. My sister went to college too, but she had to pay in full. No wonder she has turned out like she did. Yet she is still in denial about our family and says, "Oh, our family wasn't that different than most families. They all have problems." Which is true. But ours lacked the basic unconditional love that all children need. We behaved by acting like everything was all right or we were ostracized. My sister was ostracized until her late twenties when she decided she wanted our mother to love her and she became another Good Child, if not the Golden Child...nobody could take the place of my brother. Funnily, the Golden Child for my grandmother (mother's mother) was her son as well. Why were these two men both the Golden Children, although both, especially my uncle, were terribly flawed? Well, because my mother called the shots in our family (father was narcicisstic and largely absent) and both of these men protected their mothers to the end. My uncle even divorced a woman for speaking her mind to his mother (my grandma). And my grandma was EXTREMELY bossy, manipulative, and protective of her son, even in his 40's, even while he was married. The wife simply told the grandmother that she would rather do the laundry herself and that her son could do his own laundry, as he usually did. She was trying to wash his clothes for him. Wife was upset because Uncle was very entitled. His mother took care of him like he was still a toddler whenever he visited her. Wife was trying to get Uncle to do his share of the housework as they both worked fulltime. Well, she dared to challenge his mother and the family gossip buzzed with hate. She was a terrible person. SHE TALKED BACK TO GRANDMA. He divorced her. Several years later he married somebody who kissed his mother's feet. It wouldn't have worked out any other way. "Love me, love my mother even more." Understand, she was a difficult woman. There was a gender component there too. My mother's mantra was, "Girls don't have to be smart. They just have to be beautiful." Ummmmmmmmmmmmm, right. Of course Uncle had gotten a PhD at Illinois Institute of Technology, paid for by his parents, and Mother had been forbidden to go to college because "woman don't need college." Amazing how t he cycle in our family was a replay. At least, as the black sheep, I did see the problem and this dynamic did not play out in my family. In fact, my kids don't even know my family of origin as t hey bowed out early. It waas good that they did. I swore it would not be that way in my family. 36 was difficult from Day One, but he does give me kudoes as a parent and says, "I had a good childhood." That is unusual for a difficult child, but there you go. I went into overdrive trying to make my kids all feel loved and wanted. Equally. Maybe that's why I was a doormat and why 36 felt so entitled himself. I don't know. Anyhow, if you read this rant, lol, I hope it didn't put you to sleep. What you said triggered deep feelings from way back. I think all roles in dysfunctional, conditional love families are hard. It is hard to try to be THAT GOOD so that you're not rejected too. It is hard to be the ghost who does disappear to escape notice. It is hard to be the blacksheep and be unable to block out the sickness and have foot-in-mouth disease so that you feel a need to talk about it. Everything is hard when a family does not love unconditionally. [/QUOTE]
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