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Do we get something out of enabling our grown kids?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 637571" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>I am practicing radical acceptance. </p><p></p><p>A cold and a broken halleluiah.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I remember you posting to me once that we would know we were enabling when we resented what we were giving.</p><p></p><p>And that was very true.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>In the time when I was raising kids, it was Dr. Lee Salk (all about raising kids with high self esteem) and Dr Ben Spock. </p><p></p><p>The friend whose son is the professor?</p><p></p><p>Selfish, self centered, generous, courageous as the day is long.</p><p></p><p>Definitely not the self sacrificial mommy type.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It's a continuum, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>There is enabling which results in the mother feeling wonderful because her baby is clean, rash-free, strong and happy.</p><p></p><p>And there is the enabling that keeps a self-centered child who believes the sun rises and sets on him or her feeling happy.</p><p></p><p>So the power structure essential to a healthy childhood is overturned and the child is not safe to explore his or her world.</p><p></p><p>It's Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.</p><p></p><p>Remember those bad kids?</p><p></p><p>So...that is what happened to my family.</p><p></p><p>No wonder I couldn't see it.</p><p></p><p>I was looking for something more overtly awful.</p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>There is never blame once you unravel the meaning of a thing. </p><p></p><p>I get that piece. </p><p></p><p>It is only while we are figuring our way to the center of a thing that we throw off blame like sparks of lightning and blast this or that person or thing to smithereens. Once we get it, once we know what happened, we can let it be, we can let it go.</p><p></p><p>And it just is what it is.</p><p></p><p>Except for the consequences.</p><p></p><p>I am like, rage-fixated this morning.</p><p></p><p>How does that old Tom Petty song go?</p><p></p><p>Reveling in my abandon.</p><p></p><p>And of course, the rest of the song is true, as well.</p><p></p><p>I don't have to be a refugee.</p><p></p><p>That's the kicker.</p><p></p><p>But I still say that at the beginning, helping a child redraw a life is not enabling. And when the kids are self-destructing? <em>Not</em> enabling changes nothing, either.</p><p></p><p>The terrible consequences seem less personal if we have not been directly involved.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>But when you are the parent, you are the responsible one in every way. Judging, judgment, strength of purpose ~ all these are required.</p><p></p><p>It is, again, about balance.</p><p></p><p>Which is about perception.</p><p></p><p>There is no way to make any of this okay.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I don't see a conscious fault. I see a helpless working through.</p><p></p><p>Had I not tried so hard to be the mom I wanted to be?</p><p></p><p>My kids might be...well, my son for sure would be.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>I don't know what I'm talking about again.</p><p></p><p>Jeez, I hate when that happens.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Wholehearted agreement on this.</p><p></p><p>Very true.</p><p></p><p>Me, too.</p><p></p><p>I did that, I still do that.</p><p></p><p>I am learning just to listen.</p><p></p><p>And I am learning how to declare a stop to listening time.</p><p></p><p>And not only that, but a sense of isolation, of presence. That is the interesting thing, to me. That sense of isolation, of privacy, of quiet and awakeness.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 637571, member: 17461"] Yes. I am practicing radical acceptance. A cold and a broken halleluiah. I remember you posting to me once that we would know we were enabling when we resented what we were giving. And that was very true. In the time when I was raising kids, it was Dr. Lee Salk (all about raising kids with high self esteem) and Dr Ben Spock. The friend whose son is the professor? Selfish, self centered, generous, courageous as the day is long. Definitely not the self sacrificial mommy type. It's a continuum, Recovering. There is enabling which results in the mother feeling wonderful because her baby is clean, rash-free, strong and happy. And there is the enabling that keeps a self-centered child who believes the sun rises and sets on him or her feeling happy. So the power structure essential to a healthy childhood is overturned and the child is not safe to explore his or her world. It's Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Remember those bad kids? So...that is what happened to my family. No wonder I couldn't see it. I was looking for something more overtly awful. There is never blame once you unravel the meaning of a thing. I get that piece. It is only while we are figuring our way to the center of a thing that we throw off blame like sparks of lightning and blast this or that person or thing to smithereens. Once we get it, once we know what happened, we can let it be, we can let it go. And it just is what it is. Except for the consequences. I am like, rage-fixated this morning. How does that old Tom Petty song go? Reveling in my abandon. And of course, the rest of the song is true, as well. I don't have to be a refugee. That's the kicker. But I still say that at the beginning, helping a child redraw a life is not enabling. And when the kids are self-destructing? [I]Not[/I] enabling changes nothing, either. The terrible consequences seem less personal if we have not been directly involved. But when you are the parent, you are the responsible one in every way. Judging, judgment, strength of purpose ~ all these are required. It is, again, about balance. Which is about perception. There is no way to make any of this okay. I don't see a conscious fault. I see a helpless working through. Had I not tried so hard to be the mom I wanted to be? My kids might be...well, my son for sure would be. Huh. I don't know what I'm talking about again. Jeez, I hate when that happens. Wholehearted agreement on this. Very true. Me, too. I did that, I still do that. I am learning just to listen. And I am learning how to declare a stop to listening time. And not only that, but a sense of isolation, of presence. That is the interesting thing, to me. That sense of isolation, of privacy, of quiet and awakeness. [/QUOTE]
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Do we get something out of enabling our grown kids?
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