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do you ever feel like if only you did something different?
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<blockquote data-quote="Jena" data-source="post: 125618" data-attributes="member: 4514"><p>hi</p><p></p><p>i just logged in, havne't had much time during days. i couldn't cry last night only for a min then the tears went away very unlike me........lol</p><p></p><p>this, your words touched me so very much yea for me i cried <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> </p><p></p><p>i am very hard on myself at times, i know that. i look back and say if only this, if only that. stupid i know but i guess i'm only human and i go there sometimes. i am full functional now everyday in the thick of it shall we say.</p><p></p><p>i've spent so many years as a single mom. now i'm not married but as many of you know live with boyfriend. he has made some horrible mistakes in our relationship, mistakes with kids, etc. i have to say though he's working on it everyday he tries harder he really does as of late i can see it. he tries harder with kids, comes home after long day and sits with me for two hours discussing my kids how to improve it am i doing the right thign bouncing ideas of eachother. i'm sooo afraid of committment petrified to be honest. i steer clera of it at every turn possible. i'm only here because i lost it all last summer due to medical bills for little difficult child and i had no where to go to be very honest ilost it all. it was so so sad. yet my family friends no one offered shelter yet he did. we hadn't even been together that long and he did which at times still shocks me.</p><p></p><p>last night was the absolute worst with little one, absolute worst night yet. i was done nad tired had nothing left. he got home and i could see the look on his face of sheer desperation. little difficult child was upstairs screaming i hate you you dont care about me, etc. she's BiPolar (BP) we at least think so so she climbs walls at night.</p><p></p><p>i sat there on couch feeling so deflated adn so worn out i saw him standing in kitchen getting stuff ready for a.m. it was after midnite and him nad i just looked at eachother and started laughing believe it or not at the severity of it all. it helped for 5 minutes to laugh like that.</p><p></p><p>then we went to bed got tortured further by little difficult child her screaming crying hysterically begging for me i had already been in there for four hours on and off trying various things to get her down. she wound up in bed iwth us again. she kicked all ngiht had nightmares had us up and down. he got no sleep nor did i really. then he got up this morning and kissed me good bye and all i could say was thank you.</p><p></p><p>it's so hard i want so much for them i've given them my all i feel like there's nothing left. i know i have reserve i'm trying to pull it out of there to move forward every day to get things where they should be not where they are. i'm afraid she may feel like the older difficult child that she got put to side the past 2 1/2 years due Occupational Therapist (OT) her sister's illness. i'm not sure what it is. if only i could cut em into two then i would be so much more productive and could be there for both of them.</p><p></p><p>without a doubt this is the hardest thing i've ever encountered ever.</p><p></p><p>i applaude all of you who have it so much worse, i know it's all relative yet i felt so guilty complaining the way i did.</p><p></p><p>yet i couldn't help it. i want so much for them their lives i look back at decisions i made that maybe weren't the best, i hope this decision being here wasn't the worst i had no where else to go. i did what i thought was best.</p><p></p><p>my life is gone my time my friends, etc. my job will be gone soon too. i was always the single mom who worked full time did it all dodged school mtgs, phone calls, etc. yet always managed to pay the bills and balance it all. yet nowtheir demands are out weighing everything altogether.</p><p></p><p>he keeps saying stop killing yourself, quit your job it's o.k. get a local job i got the bills (i haven't paid any anyway), be there for girls it's ok i love you.</p><p></p><p>yet i'm afraid.</p><p></p><p>ok i'm done rambling.........lol</p><p></p><p>Jen</p><p></p><p>p.s. thank you again i mean it your words mean so much and help so much</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Jena, post: 125618, member: 4514"] hi i just logged in, havne't had much time during days. i couldn't cry last night only for a min then the tears went away very unlike me........lol this, your words touched me so very much yea for me i cried :) i am very hard on myself at times, i know that. i look back and say if only this, if only that. stupid i know but i guess i'm only human and i go there sometimes. i am full functional now everyday in the thick of it shall we say. i've spent so many years as a single mom. now i'm not married but as many of you know live with boyfriend. he has made some horrible mistakes in our relationship, mistakes with kids, etc. i have to say though he's working on it everyday he tries harder he really does as of late i can see it. he tries harder with kids, comes home after long day and sits with me for two hours discussing my kids how to improve it am i doing the right thign bouncing ideas of eachother. i'm sooo afraid of committment petrified to be honest. i steer clera of it at every turn possible. i'm only here because i lost it all last summer due to medical bills for little difficult child and i had no where to go to be very honest ilost it all. it was so so sad. yet my family friends no one offered shelter yet he did. we hadn't even been together that long and he did which at times still shocks me. last night was the absolute worst with little one, absolute worst night yet. i was done nad tired had nothing left. he got home and i could see the look on his face of sheer desperation. little difficult child was upstairs screaming i hate you you dont care about me, etc. she's BiPolar (BP) we at least think so so she climbs walls at night. i sat there on couch feeling so deflated adn so worn out i saw him standing in kitchen getting stuff ready for a.m. it was after midnite and him nad i just looked at eachother and started laughing believe it or not at the severity of it all. it helped for 5 minutes to laugh like that. then we went to bed got tortured further by little difficult child her screaming crying hysterically begging for me i had already been in there for four hours on and off trying various things to get her down. she wound up in bed iwth us again. she kicked all ngiht had nightmares had us up and down. he got no sleep nor did i really. then he got up this morning and kissed me good bye and all i could say was thank you. it's so hard i want so much for them i've given them my all i feel like there's nothing left. i know i have reserve i'm trying to pull it out of there to move forward every day to get things where they should be not where they are. i'm afraid she may feel like the older difficult child that she got put to side the past 2 1/2 years due Occupational Therapist (OT) her sister's illness. i'm not sure what it is. if only i could cut em into two then i would be so much more productive and could be there for both of them. without a doubt this is the hardest thing i've ever encountered ever. i applaude all of you who have it so much worse, i know it's all relative yet i felt so guilty complaining the way i did. yet i couldn't help it. i want so much for them their lives i look back at decisions i made that maybe weren't the best, i hope this decision being here wasn't the worst i had no where else to go. i did what i thought was best. my life is gone my time my friends, etc. my job will be gone soon too. i was always the single mom who worked full time did it all dodged school mtgs, phone calls, etc. yet always managed to pay the bills and balance it all. yet nowtheir demands are out weighing everything altogether. he keeps saying stop killing yourself, quit your job it's o.k. get a local job i got the bills (i haven't paid any anyway), be there for girls it's ok i love you. yet i'm afraid. ok i'm done rambling.........lol Jen p.s. thank you again i mean it your words mean so much and help so much [/QUOTE]
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