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do you ever feel like if only you did something different?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 125857" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Jen, you're seriously adding to your load here.</p><p></p><p>"What ifs" get you nowhere. And you DON'T know if it would have been any better. It might have been worse. We're financially worse off (and emotionally) because of my disability. What if I'd never been injured and we could have afforded a lot more? But there is a flip side - because I've been forced to be a stay-at-home mum, I've been on the spot to recognise the problems much earlier. I'm also on the spot to provide a lot more one-on-one intensive intervention, even if it is from a totally novice point of view. I've been inventing it as I go. It also means I've been able to put him in correspondence school (a form of home schooling) which seems to work really well for him. If I were working, I'd be spending a lot of that extra income on after-school-care facilities and the extra therapy needed to deal with the emotional fallout of the severe bullying that went on.</p><p></p><p>My good friend when I was growing up was the second-eldest child in a large but poor family. They lived in run-down rental premises. My friend's older sister was mostly blind, so my friend had the task of babysitting the other kids. Because the parents were determined to get out of the poverty trap and buy their own home, they were working long hours to earn enough to put down a deposit. I used to visit in summer. My friend often couldn't visit me, because she had to mind her siblings. At her house we had to keep the kids quiet so their mother could sleep - she was a nurse who had just come off one night duty and was about to go back to another. The kids were nice kids, but a bit wild due to lack of adult supervision.</p><p>By the time she was 14, my friend was seeking attention of the wrong sort, from boys. Her parents were too busy (or tired) to appreciate her, my friend was tired of adult responsibilities and became very promiscuous.</p><p>Her parents were good people who tried to do a good thing for their kids, by buying them a better life. But in the process, they were too busy to be there for their kids, in ways they needed.</p><p>My friend was a mother at 16. About that time I lost touch with her - she was increasingly bad news. I heard about her from another friend, until her parents finally stopped looking for her and we heard no more.</p><p></p><p>Forget the "what ifs".</p><p></p><p>And dump the guilt. </p><p></p><p>Also, don't compare. NEVER say, "I really can't complain, I haven't got anywhere near the problems that some of you have," because you just don't know. We don't have a scale here, to measure how bad each of our troubles are. There's nothing like a "1 = kid with mild ADD; 10 = kid who is serious juvenile offender who has sexually molested everyone in the family, including the cat".</p><p>We just can't compare. Who knows? You might manage brilliantly in my situation; I might fail terribly in yours.</p><p></p><p>All we can do is get on with our own tasks, each of us, and lean on each other for support.</p><p></p><p>While you're beating yourself up, you're wasting energy that you could be using to go read a book; to take a walk; to have a candle-lit bath; to sit and read to your kids; whatever you do to recharge your batteries.</p><p></p><p>If I stopped too often to think back and consider the "what ifs" I'd be a blubbering wreck. So I switch off those thoughts before they cripple me.</p><p></p><p>There are good moments, even in the bad. difficult child 3 is so very much "heart on the sleeve" that we have joyful moments in the day as well as worrying ones. If nothing else, the stress of the day makes the silences after he's gone to bed, all the more delicious.</p><p></p><p>That said, feel free to vent. It is one of the things this site is so very good for.</p><p></p><p>I hope you are feeling a bit better tonight. Be good to yourself. You owe it to your kids.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 125857, member: 1991"] Jen, you're seriously adding to your load here. "What ifs" get you nowhere. And you DON'T know if it would have been any better. It might have been worse. We're financially worse off (and emotionally) because of my disability. What if I'd never been injured and we could have afforded a lot more? But there is a flip side - because I've been forced to be a stay-at-home mum, I've been on the spot to recognise the problems much earlier. I'm also on the spot to provide a lot more one-on-one intensive intervention, even if it is from a totally novice point of view. I've been inventing it as I go. It also means I've been able to put him in correspondence school (a form of home schooling) which seems to work really well for him. If I were working, I'd be spending a lot of that extra income on after-school-care facilities and the extra therapy needed to deal with the emotional fallout of the severe bullying that went on. My good friend when I was growing up was the second-eldest child in a large but poor family. They lived in run-down rental premises. My friend's older sister was mostly blind, so my friend had the task of babysitting the other kids. Because the parents were determined to get out of the poverty trap and buy their own home, they were working long hours to earn enough to put down a deposit. I used to visit in summer. My friend often couldn't visit me, because she had to mind her siblings. At her house we had to keep the kids quiet so their mother could sleep - she was a nurse who had just come off one night duty and was about to go back to another. The kids were nice kids, but a bit wild due to lack of adult supervision. By the time she was 14, my friend was seeking attention of the wrong sort, from boys. Her parents were too busy (or tired) to appreciate her, my friend was tired of adult responsibilities and became very promiscuous. Her parents were good people who tried to do a good thing for their kids, by buying them a better life. But in the process, they were too busy to be there for their kids, in ways they needed. My friend was a mother at 16. About that time I lost touch with her - she was increasingly bad news. I heard about her from another friend, until her parents finally stopped looking for her and we heard no more. Forget the "what ifs". And dump the guilt. Also, don't compare. NEVER say, "I really can't complain, I haven't got anywhere near the problems that some of you have," because you just don't know. We don't have a scale here, to measure how bad each of our troubles are. There's nothing like a "1 = kid with mild ADD; 10 = kid who is serious juvenile offender who has sexually molested everyone in the family, including the cat". We just can't compare. Who knows? You might manage brilliantly in my situation; I might fail terribly in yours. All we can do is get on with our own tasks, each of us, and lean on each other for support. While you're beating yourself up, you're wasting energy that you could be using to go read a book; to take a walk; to have a candle-lit bath; to sit and read to your kids; whatever you do to recharge your batteries. If I stopped too often to think back and consider the "what ifs" I'd be a blubbering wreck. So I switch off those thoughts before they cripple me. There are good moments, even in the bad. difficult child 3 is so very much "heart on the sleeve" that we have joyful moments in the day as well as worrying ones. If nothing else, the stress of the day makes the silences after he's gone to bed, all the more delicious. That said, feel free to vent. It is one of the things this site is so very good for. I hope you are feeling a bit better tonight. Be good to yourself. You owe it to your kids. Marg [/QUOTE]
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