Do you ever feel like your difficult child's issues have created mental health issues in yourself

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
I don't think there is any question that prolonged periods of stress, fatigue and mental anguish can cause a mental illness.

Isn't that the very reasoning behind PTSD?
 

kbrand0554

New Member
Yes, as I have four sons with issues, and I have always had depression, but ever since giving birth, all has been worse. and 21 years of motherhood and struggles, has caused me a lot of depression and stress anxiety.
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
As we find out more about mental illnesses, we are going to find out that they are actually not "mental" illness but that they are all based on neurobiological conditions.

I agree. Especially since every single person in my new Alanon group knew what Asperger's was. That's way too much of a coincidence.

I also agree with-Star, that if any of us have pre-existing depression or anxiety issues, our difficult child's will surely exacerbate them.
 
N

Nomad

Guest
Going North's comment about "care giver" fatigue is something I think about all the time.

When our daughter was younger....it was just never ending. And I mean never ending. All day...7 days...and often well into the night. To make matters a tad more stressful, is that this is NOT something us moms tend to want to discuss with others. Nope. It is a quiet/clandestine matter.

When you have a relative with Alzheimer's that you care for, often many in the community know about this and they sympathize. Heck, it's not much, but it is a little sympathy, a shoulder to lean on an ear to bend....just some brief moment of relief. I'm not saying that we want to be lauded, but its just a little something. Additionally, there is an end in sight....a clear, sad end...but an end, nevertheless.

With difficult child business...it goes on and on and we hesitate to talk about it. It is a quiet, gigantic burden.

Now that difficult child is older and out of the home...it's not 24/7 anymore. We push her to fix her own messes....but sometimes intervene as appropriate.
We worry....but have forced ourselves to largely detach and let MUCH go. And the stigma is much less for a variety of reasons. But we are human beings and this is a loss.....there is no doubt about this. There is no escape. There are constant reminders....and an underlying awareness. But life moves forward...
 

GoingNorth

Crazy Cat Lady
Nomad. You are right. I was playing primary caregiver when not at work, and when I was at work, we had a PCA come in for a few hours during the day.

It was grueling and to be brutally honest, I did sometimes with it was "all over".

The only outside support I had during that time was monthly meetings through the local Hospice organization. That was only somewhat helpful as it was oriented towards much older people who were dealing with loved ones with terminal cancer. husband did not have true cancer and I was probably twenty years younger than the next youngest person in the group.
 

Jody

Active Member
Oh Boy, I know the stress from all of my 11 year old's drama and mental illness has just taken years off of my life. I have aged tremendously in the last few years. Drama has been worse. I take all kinds of medication. I did have depression issues before but nothing like this at all. I used to have a life. I have had one friend over in three years. She thought she just hadn't been over. I told her she was the first person to ever come over. She couldn't believe it. We stay isolated because people it is so embarrasing and everyone judges you about everything!!! It's just easier to stay home. Everywhere we go the outing is ruined. I worry a lot, what kind of moods she going to be in today. Anxious, depressed, angry. Long long list of issues that have been caused by her mental issues. Trying to make it thru it without having a complete breakdown. Single parenting her is hard but I wonder if it isn't easier because there is no one else to argue with or listen to about how to raise her or how things should be done. :(
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Jody, I said this to another single parent the other day - I think you are too hard on yourself, your expectations of yourself are too high and your concerns about what others would think of you are too critical, because you are a single parent. You could be right, in assessing how critical other people are of you. But my point is - if they are, then they are not worthwhile human beings, to try to hold you to a higher standard than they hold two-parent families. Anyone who is so critical of you and not of others, is hypocritical and therefore their opinions should not weigh heavily on you.

You have a difficult child. It is not your fault. But the more you isolate yourselves from the rest of the world, the more you make yourself the only measure by which your daughter assesses her behaviour. At the moment it is only a problem TO YOU. That is not good - for her (we already know it's not good for you).

All of us have to learn to not let the frowns of other people in public, upset us. People will judge. It's human nature. It is wrong, but there you are - people do it. The harm comes in when we let it upset us or change how we handle our children.

We had a thread not so long ago on how we respond to disapproval expressed in public. A lot of us do the "It's not my child," approach. Even more of us act like we would if we were at home. As soon as you show your child that your behaviour to them in public is different, the child will use this. So a child who learns that they can embarrass Mummy by throwing a public tantrum and then have Mummy plead with them to behave, learns they have Power.

I have developed some stock phrases to use in public.
"Anyone interested in adoption?"
"I'm sure we've all been there. And if you haven't - be grateful."
"PMT starts earlier with each generation." (that one is really effective for two year old tantrums).

Often we perceive public disapproval where none exists - it's not people being hypercritical after all, it's us being hypersensitive. Next time, tell yourself that the frown is one of sympathy for your plight. If anyone says something to you to indicate that they really do disapprove, tell yourself tat that person obviously had a nanny for their kids and therefore do not have the wealth of personal experience that you have.

I see you're fairly new - get yourself a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Surf tis site and see how much we recommend it. We do not get kickbacks (unfortunately). Go to Early Childhood forum and look at the stickies there, for some really good discussion of tis book.
I hear you thinking, "Not another book with charts, new methods I have to try to remember, organisation I can't cope with; it's all I can do to drag myself out of bed each morning."
been there done that. I also had tried a wide rang of behaviour management techniques which only added to my workload, with minimal benefit. But when I switched to this book - it was almost miraculous. And it didn't feel like I was doing anything different, but I must have been.

It's not a cure, but it should make your life a lot easier. And your daughter's life too. This then should snowball positively, and as it gets easier for you both, the stress level drops and again, things improve.

It won't be perfect. But it should be a lot better.

In there, however, you need to be easier on yourself. You're a single parent? So what? You are in the majority these days!

Marg
 
Top