Do You Think This is Over-Stepping ?

[DaisyFace]

Another development:

Yep. I was mostly angry that the idea hadn't been run by me first - and that I had to hear from difficult child how she was getting this new account.

Oh really???

Then, after I posted here...I received an email from the BA. She told me that difficult child expressed wanting to be in charge of her own money instead of having to go through her parents. So voila! BA found this account where difficult child wouldn't need her parents. Isn't it wonderful?

I responded that it was NOT wonderful. We had difficult child set up with an account just fine, thank you very much. We did not sign her up for a bank account to be "control freaks" - but rather to help teach difficult child responsibility with money AND ensure that difficult child could not access large sums of cash without our permission (pretty important, considering difficult child's history of taking off...)

BA originally responded with an apology - saying that she only had the best of intentions...

The she sent ANOTHER email, saying that what difficult child really wanted was to show us how responsible she could be. And, if after a few months, we were not happy with the results - we could then close this independant account and require difficult child to go back to using a custodial account.

Ummmm....in what universe does this woman:
a) believe difficult child's bs about showing us how "responsible" she is by going against what we set up
b) not understand and respect me when I clearly say "NO"
c) think we would have the power to close an account to which we had no access
d)think that if the worst-case scenario happened (difficult child used the money to skip town), that we'd be OK with "Oh well, that didn't work....I guess we'll go back to the custodial arrangement now."

????

 

[InsaneCdn]

Yup. They don't inhabit the "real world" that WE live in.
I know.

therapist insisted that the reason difficult child had all these problems was that we were being control freaks.
WE insisted on all sorts of other possibilities being ruled out... and lo and behold... he has multiple additional minor issues that are enough to drive anybody insane... and we start dealing with those, and the behavior issues melt away like snowballs in August. Being less-controlling instead of getting to the bottom of the issues... would have been fatal.

 

[keista]

BA is pretty clueless AND unprofessional.


Sorry, I hadn't considered the fact that your difficult child is a flight risk. So in the interest of "compromise" you can propose that difficult child can have this independent account BUT you and husband decide how much she gets to deposit into said account. (I am assuming you let her keep some of her money each week) If you do decide to compromise, that does not negate your right to complain to any and all of BA's superiors about her thoughtless actions. Just like a difficult child she's got to learn there are consequences to your actions. HOPEFULLY the BA will learn the lesson.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well my suggestion is that BA help her get one of those teen visa cards she can put a portion of her paychecks on and then she can spend her money with that. If she really wants to have that account, no more than X amount in the account at one time or it gets directly funneled to your other account. You are also on this account and she has no checks attached to this account...only a debit card. This way she cant overdraft it.

However, I would be so ticked off. None of the people who ever worked with us would have ever even considered doing that. It would have been a no brainer that it wasnt acceptable behavior on part of a professional.

 

[keista]

This way she cant overdraft it.

in my opinion not a good idea. I think she (and every kid/person) needs to learn what overdraft is and how expensive it can be especially if you only went over by .02.

 

[buddy]

is this BA just a young thing with no kiddos? Sounds really immature....not malicious, just really really clueless and needs some big time traning on your difficult child's risk management plan! if she goes against that (since she is a flight risk) she could end up with her whole company being in huge legal doo doo.

 

[DaisyFace]

However, I would be so ticked off. None of the people who ever worked with us would have ever even considered doing that. It would have been a no brainer that it wasnt acceptable behavior on part of a professional.

Yes, that was my feeling...

It should have been a "no-brainer". When a child tells you she doesn't want to follow their parent's rules - the response SHOULD be to tell the child why it is important to follow those rules and remind the child that the parents probably have a good reason. The response should NOT be - "Oh well, here's a way that you don't have to do what they say...."

 

[DaisyFace]

is this BA just a young thing with no kiddos? Sounds really immature....not malicious, just really really clueless and needs some big time traning on your difficult child's risk management plan! if she goes against that (since she is a flight risk) she could end up with her whole company being in huge legal doo doo.

Of course! No kids....very energetic and enthusiastic....and ZERO experience...

(Not to go off on a whole tangent here - but this bank issue is the SECOND thing I have a problem with. The first? She advised difficult child that it would be a good idea to burn scented candles whenever she felt really angry because it might soothe her. difficult child had to explain that her parents are NOT OK with lighting things on fire in her bedroom. UGH!!! Talk about clueless!!! Can you imagine sending a difficult child on the verge of a rage into a bedroom with matches or a lighter in hopes that a few scented candles would "soothe" her??? NOT!!!)

 

[susiestar]

Sorry, but I completely disagree with the advice to let her have it. Not under ANY circumstances. IF difficult child wants to show she is responsible, she can do her chores, abide by ALL of the house rules, act like a decent person to her family and get good grades. Can't do those things? No bank account that is just hers.

The behavior therapist needs to be replaced with one who has some common sense and the bank needs to be notified that you will NOT permit the account and if they do allow it then THEY are fully liable if difficult child uses that account to run away. PERIOD. Oh, therapist is also liable if she takes off.

This is so far out of bounds that you need to file a complaint. Esp if it is true she had difficult child already talk to the bank before she had your approval. There is NO WAY that your difficult child shoudl have ANY funds that you don't have control over. NOT with the risk of running and other ways of harming herself and her family.

The fact that she came back to you after you said NO very clearly AND gave her the reasons means she is NEVER going to be the right person to treat your daughter and your family. NEVER.

Get rid of the therapist.

 

[JJJ]

Absolutely no independent account.

I like Janet's idea of the prepaid visa in that you can control how much money is on it. And if she runs, transfer all the money off of it...or better yet, leave just a little so when she charges her lunch you know where she is.

I'd also have a 'come to Jesus' meet with this "therapist". She is causing damage to your child!

 

[confuzzled]

"she already has it spent in her head"

the odds that she'd be responsible enough to squirrel away money to run are virtually nil. (the odds she'd overdraft are probably good, i'm pretty sure tho that there is some new law that banks cant allow overdrafting on a debit card, and the odds she's write actual checks is 50/50...i'd probably just never order the actual checks and leave her with the starter book, which many places either wont take, or require your last square of toilet paper as identity proof--let her have her debit card only)

i still think its a much better lesson to learn at 16 than it is at 25, when you have actual responsibilities.

but for the record, i'm 1000% with you on the insane candle suggestion--is that woman out of her mind??

 

[DaisyFace]

"she already has it spent in her head"

the odds that she'd be responsible enough to squirrel away money to run are virtually nil.

Yes - that's a good point....probably true.

 

[AnnieO]

I'd forgotten about the running, and I didn't make the connection that you'd already said "no". Which changes my answer entirely.

Also - debit cards - CAN be overdrafted. been there done that myself. And the prepaid Visa Buxx cards - attached to a bank account - CAN be overdrafted as well. been there done that with Onyxx. It actually was NOT her fault; the number was used at a vending machine (?!) 800 miles away... Um. And, she had the card - she gave it to me. So I'm thinking something was very, very weird there.

When I started working, I put my paycheck into my custodial account - had my parents' names on it too. I had no checks to write. However, I could and did make withdrawals without their signature. Small amounts, because they kept tabs on it. I never withdrew more than I put in - I was terrified they'd find out. Of course, that's closer to easy child than difficult child. But... I still didn't learn my lesson with money and had to be bailed out in my freshman year of college. And bankruptcy several years after that. So...

Now, of course, I'm much better with money. THANK HEAVENS!

 

[keista]

Not sure what I'd be angrier at, the bank thing or the candle/incense thing. CLEARLY this woman is doing nothing more than undermining your authority. not sure how that is supposed to "help" except maybe "help" difficult child feel better about defying her parents.

Can you fire this BA?

I'm gonna repeat myself because I do feel so strongly about the bank issue. Better for her to learn about banking and financial responsibility with overdraft fees and all when all she is doing is spending her money on "stuff". She overdrafts, that's less money she has for "stuff". Better now than to struggle and learn this when she has to pay bills, and a single overdraft becomes several overdrafts, and then she doesn't have enough for her basics.

AND to use some twisted parental thinking, IF she manages to save enough money to run, at least you know she is capable of setting a goal and saving towards it (easy child behavior). I know it would be small comfort if it did happen, but from what you've said, it probably wouldn't.

 

[TerryJ2]

OMG. Now I've heard everything.
You're right ... the pieces will fall on you. But all you can do is dust off and let difficult child deal with-the repercussions. Let's see if the therapist and difficult child follow through.

 

[DaisyFace]

AND to use some twisted parental thinking, IF she manages to save enough money to run, at least you know she is capable of setting a goal and saving towards it (easy child behavior). I know it would be small comfort if it did happen, but from what you've said, it probably wouldn't.

The most likely scenario is not "saving to run"...

but rather, saving for something else...accumulating some money in the bank toward that goal....then getting really angry...having a blow-up at home....THEN draining that money to run.

 

[DammitJanet]

You cant overdraft on my debit card. You must have overdraft protection on the account. I use a credit union and zero means zero.

I did do this one time with Cory when he was oh...probably 18 or 19 and I didnt give him checks because I simply refuse to allow for any of mine to run around and write bad checks but he had the debit card and he did mess up the account by never putting money in the account after he ran through the initial amount and then the $1 monthly fee added up until they just closed his account. Oh well...now he cant get another account there.

 

[TerryJ2]

Of course! No kids....very energetic and enthusiastic....and ZERO experience...

Yep. No surprise there.

(Not to go off on a whole tangent here - but this bank issue is the SECOND thing I have a problem with. The first? She advised difficult child that it would be a good idea to burn scented candles whenever she felt really angry because it might soothe her. difficult child had to explain that her parents are NOT OK with lighting things on fire in her bedroom. UGH!!! Talk about clueless!!! Can you imagine sending a difficult child on the verge of a rage into a bedroom with matches or a lighter in hopes that a few scented candles would "soothe" her??? NOT!!!)


Yikes!!!!!!