I didn't want to continue to hijack Beans thread and she had been more than kind when things went off in different directions. (Thanks Bean very much) Her topic however brought up several different excellent questions that I felt as part of the Parents Emeritus would be a great topic for discusson and reading for those that are having a hard time detaching or reaching a conclusion in a very difficult decision regarding your adult children. By adult I mean physically 18-21 and older because mentally most of our adult children are mentally (emotionally) delayed.. That being said, it seems that a lot of new parents to the board come here and ask "What can we do now our child is 18, 21, and older? Seems the most common questions we ask ourselves are "Should we throw them out? Is this where I detach? What exactly is TOUGH LOVE? How do you know when to detach? If I throw him out, I'll never see him again. I'm worried if I detach he/she will die without my support. What then, I'll blame myself forever, or I can't live with that thought, I'd rather live the chaos I'm putting myself, and the rest of my family through now! I'm the only one that has kept my son/daughter out of prison so far - without our intervention they would surely be in the system, if we can just keep them from jail eventually they will 'get it' and we'll have saved them from a prison/jail record so they can get a good job." All very viable questions. All thoughts that ran through my mind at least. I wanted to respond to AHF's post - it was on the tail end of a discussion regarding adult children's living situations and their sobriety. This is her post: I'm not talking about ignoring someone for 25 years. I'm responding to the Q of whether you throw him or her out on his or her fanny. To the Q of "What if he dies because I did this?", I am trying--with little success--to convince myself that at the age of 21, my difficult child is not going to die because of something I do or fail to do. That all of his choices are leading him somewhere, and that I can have as much patience as humanly possible. But that exercising that patience to (for instance) continue to house and feed a slothful abuser while hoping that therapy and medications and the maturing brain will combine to kick him into gear at age 26 may NOT be the most helpful or risk-free decision. I'm not criticizing anything anyone else is doing. I'm just noting that while the brain may mature late, habits are formed early. If all the positive stuff we do doesn't change those habits, then the risky, negative, door in the face may be either a) the best thing, or b) an unnecessary and painful step that could've been avoided if we'd just stayed the course until the kid "grew up." Thought it might be good for everyone to give your ideas here - Thanks everyone!