Does anyone remember "Goodnight, Moon"?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ScentofCedar, Apr 17, 2007.

  1. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Last night on television, I was listening to a parent describe how he had survived the loss of his child, and a light bulb went off for me.

    What the parent said was to concentrate, not on the guilt we can all find if we look hard enough (and who knows, it might even be valid) or the sense of missed opportunity to change unacceptable outcomes. He said the only way to survive the loss was to CELEBRATE, AND TO REMEMBER, THE JOY THE LOST CHILD BROUGHT US.

    I am posting about it now because hearing that parent seems to have freed something in me.

    I seem to have forbid myself the joy of remembering how happy I was in my life before all this happened.

    And that is true. If I say anything about it, what I say is that I was smug.

    The truth is that I was deeply happy, seriously contented, endlessly fascinated with my babies and my husband and my life.

    And myself.

    I felt then that I was blessed, that I had chosen correctly, that I had done it right.

    I had a sense of self efficacy, and confidence that I had the capacity to handle whatever would come, and to do it successfully.

    When I heard that man say those words, I allowed myself to think of difficult child as a baby, as a toddler, as a young boy and an adolescent. I allowed myself to remember what it felt like at our house before these bad things happened to us.

    And here is the key: Last night, I was miserable, poking around in my own memories like I usually do, looking for how this happened, where I had gone wrong, when did it go wrong, who was there when it went wrong ~ everything to do with the wrongness, I thought of.

    But I woke up this morning with the celebration of those early, happy years in my brain.

    I woke up with that line from Goodnight Moon ~ you know the one?

    ~ and a little old lady, whispering hush....

    And I thought of Maya Angelou, and Hildegaard, and even, something from The First Nudie Musical (!) Has anyone else ever seen that one? So funny, so shocking ~ it was on Showtime, and it was the first time I ever saw people on television without their clothes on. I suppose it came back to me last night because I always wonder whether it was what we watched on television that caused this to happen. (I think EVERYTHING caused this to happen!)

    But somehow, in the night, I was able to see myself as I was then, and to stop condemning myself for every single thing that ever made me happy, or curious, or fascinated with myself or my babies or my husband because ~ look what happened! I must have done something wrong, it must all have been wrong, whatever it felt like.

    I am posting about it, goofy as it sounds, because losing those times, those good times before our children were lost to us, is commiting another savagery against ourselves.

    We lose the child as adult, but more importantly, we refuse to allow ourselves the joy of the memories of ourselves and our babies.

    I feel like I have been depressed for twenty two years, since this all started.

    I hope I can stay here, stay in touch with that younger, more hopeful, sweeter self.

    **********************************

    DOES ANYONE THINK IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN NOT WHAT THAT MAN SAID ABOUT CHERISHING THE JOY WE DID HAVE BUT...THE M&Ms???

    HA!

    THINK OF THE MONEY WE COULD AL BE SAVING ON THERAPY!

    And more importantly, is it only the Easter peanut M&Ms that work, or will any old M&M do, I wonder?

    *****************************************

    :smile:

    Barbara
     
  2. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I hope you can stay in this place. Is there something you can write down somewhere, like maybe post on your refrigerator, that can bring you back to this place when you feel you are leaving it??

    Sometimes all it takes is hearing one person say something that puts everything into perspective.

    I'm happy your feeling this way.
     
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I feel like I have been depressed for twenty two years, since this all started. </div></div>

    Barbara, I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who is so endlessly (and unjustifiably) hard on herself more than you. I truly hope that this is a first step towards recapturing some of your old joy again.

    Hugs,
    Suz
     
  4. CAmom

    CAmom Member

    Barbara, my son (and we) also loved that book.

    I can relate to so much of what you said (beautifully, as usual...).

    Like you, my child and my family gave me all the joy and satisfaction I wanted or needed at one time. And, yes, I guess I felt a bit smug as well.

    For the past three years, since all the trouble with our son began, and especially when it culminated in his being removed from our home and placed in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), I had gradually divorced myself from all the joy I ever felt in my son and our family, spending most of my time feeling like a complete and utter failure because I felt that his problems had to be MY fault in some way. I even got to the point where I went through our house, removing all the pictures of my son as a beautiful newborn, baby, toddler, preschooler, etc. because it was just too painful for me to be reminded of those precious times on a daily basis in the context of our current situation.

    I can't remember exactly when I had my "lightbulb" moment such as the one you had, but I remember that it was intense. At that moment, I accepted the fact that, even if we were not the "perfect" parents (which we certainly were NOT!), we did the absolute best we could for our son, given who he is and who we are, and did so out of complete, unconditional, and selfless (at least it felt that way at the time...) love for him.

    Accepting that allowed me the freedom to heal somewhat, at least to the point where I could enjoy myself and my husband again, and we've picked up (mostly...) where we left off 17 1/2 years ago, before our son arrived. And I also replaced all those pictures that I had put out of sight because I felt that, despite what very real and serious issues were happening in our lives at that moment, those pictures reflected just as real but beautiful moments in our lives as well, and denying them would be to deny that those moments ever existed. Then, I even dug out all our old videos and watched every one of them!

    PS I'm STILL in favor of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups over M&M's, but, hey, to each, his own!



     
  5. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I was just going to post about leaving the board for a while. I am full of negative thoughts and I am not helping anyone with my negative responses. I thought I would give everyone a break until I could sort out my mess of thinking and reach a better state of mind....

    But I saw your post and read it first. Yet again have you posted exactly what I need to read, just when I need to read it.

    Your post made me think of husband's bro. He was injured at a rodeo,lived several yrs with no use of any limbs. If you went to a family gathering you would think he was still alive. Old stories are always brought up, laughter is usually in the middle of all the talking and his life is remembered in joy.

    I think what happens is when we first have problems start. We are ashamed of what are children are doing. We try to hide the truth from others. That starts a huge snowball that leaves us to look to the only place we can find to put blame ~ ourselves.

    As time goes on and more light is coming into what is really happening and we are forced to sit in front of others and tell the truth about our children...something happens.....we are questioned about how we raised our children and in our minds we think that not only do we think we did something wrong but here are all these people that feel the same way.

    After we have our hearts shattered by our children and our very being shattered by the ones we seek out for help....We are left broken. But we are moms and we have other responsibilities, so we are left broken yet push on to the next crisis and the next.

    That snowball that we started so long ago is huge now. It prevents others that know about our difficult children from asking about them for fear they will hit a nerve and it prevents us from sharing about our difficult children to others we meet for fear we will be judged for having raised such a child.

    So we stay stuck in the same broken place, no wonder it is so hard to find our joy. I am sure each of us sits back and imagines what it is we had hoped our difficult children would be doing at this time in their life.

    For me, I am supposed to be helping address graduation invitations now. I am also supposed to be running around finding stuff to put in his dorm room for college after of course we all met for him to sign his full scholarship from Auburn to play football.

    And bless all our hearts ~~~ we do post on this board, but we have no one else to share this pain with.

    P.S.

    ANY BAG OF M&M's WILL DO!!! You can also dip a hershey bar into a jar of peanut butter, that helps too....
     
  6. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I have had a "lightbulb" moment ~ Barbara you have helped me see the light again ~ See how much you help others?


    My husband and I have been in a horrible state with our marriage and each day seems to get worse.

    After I posted I went into the kitchen to wash clothes and I thought about it all.... My husband was not around when I had the joy of my son. Actually no one that I am around and talk with on a reg basis was around to share with me the joys I once had.

    Maybe that is something much larger than I have let it be.

    We moved back here from the city, my parents and I reconciled and I met husband and married. From then on it has been gfgdom.

    Thanks for the thoughtful post. I knew some good had to come from me not being able to work today.
    (it is very hard to bathe and style dogs with no water...It's not the landlord's fault he forgot to call me last evening so I could cancel all my 20 clients last night instead of waking them up this morning to let them know I couldn't do their dog today with no water. Bless his heart he FORGOT that I open at 7 am.
     
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: hearthope</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I was just going to post about leaving the board for a while. I am full of negative thoughts and I am not helping anyone with my negative responses. I thought I would give everyone a break until I could sort out my mess of thinking and reach a better state of mind....</div></div>

    Hearthope, that is the exact reason you shouldn't be leaving us. Everyone here can't always lend support and sometimes needs a little more support given to them then others, and it's no reason to leave the board. I know there were plenty of times that I was so consumed by negative stuff going on with my difficult child that I was here asking for help and support everyday and couldn't even think of giving any to another. Just remember on this board, what comes around goes around. There will be a day that things will be going so wonderful for you that you will be on the giving end instead of the receiving.
     
  8. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: hearthope</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I was just going to post about leaving the board for a while. I am full of negative thoughts and I am not helping anyone with my negative responses. I thought I would give everyone a break until I could sort out my mess of thinking and reach a better state of mind....

    I think what happens is when we first have problems start. We are ashamed of what are children are doing. We try to hide the truth from others. That starts a huge snowball that leaves us to look to the only place we can find to put blame ~ ourselves.

    As time goes on and more light is coming into what is really happening and we are forced to sit in front of others and tell the truth about our children...something happens.....we are questioned about how we raised our children and in our minds we think that not only do we think we did something wrong but here are all these people that feel the same way.

    After we have our hearts shattered by our children and our very being shattered by the ones we seek out for help....We are left broken. But we are moms and we have other responsibilities, so we are left broken yet push on to the next crisis and the next.

    That snowball that we started so long ago is huge now. It prevents others that know about our difficult children from asking about them for fear they will hit a nerve and it prevents us from sharing about our difficult children to others we meet for fear we will be judged for having raised such a child.

    ANY BAG OF M&M's WILL DO!!! You can also dip a hershey bar into a jar of peanut butter, that helps too.... </div></div>

    *************************

    HA! Hearthope, I can't decide which of the points you raised to address first ~ so I will START WITH THE M&Ms, then!

    CAMom seems to think peanut butter cups may work too?

    It must be an individual thing, then. You know, like when the first anti-depressant doesn't work? And then you try another one? And it does work?

    Looks like those pastel peanut M&Ms do it, for me!

    :smile:

    ****************************

    Oh, don't leave the site, hearthope! If you read Suz' response to this posting of mine? That will give you just a shadow of a taste of what everyone has been putting up with from me since the minute I came here!

    But do you know what?

    If I had never come here, if I hadn't stuck with it and kept posting and kept trying to see what it was FOR ME that was holding me back...I never would have made it this far.

    And I have come such a long way, hearthope.

    Your posting was filled with such pain.

    While I am sure the professionals help some of us, I feel, as you do, that I was blamed (by professionals who MUST have known what they were doing, right?) for something that no one could name. With no name for whatever caused what had happened, I did ~ as it sounds like you have, too ~ blame myself, and set myself on a course of discovery. Here is what I learned, hearthope: parents whose children do not suffer as ours have did not do anything better, were not stricter (or less strict) were not less screwed up (believe me ~ we have friends who have two of the most incredible children? And both parents are total social dorks who cannot even maintain themselves through a dinner without bollocksing everything up. (We like them anyway ~ except for husband.) :redface:

    For the longest time, I believed that whatever it was that had been different about our family, I just could not see it.

    I no longer think there was anything toxic enough going on to justify what happened to us.

    That is very important, hearthope.

    I don't know where you are in the process of recovering the joy you once took in yourself and your children, but that is an important piece.

    The professionals were wrong.

    Unless they could tell you what you did, they were wrong.

    And hearthope? husband and I were never divorced. husband is the father to both my children. We had enough, and a little more, while they were growing up.

    And this happened to us, anyway.

    I know you will make it through all this, hearthope. Looks like I am living proof we CAN come out the other side. (Also living proof that, like Suz said, it takes some of us one heck of a long time!)

    Don't leave us now, and don't worry about the negativity.

    We all have been where you are.

    There is no need, none at all, to go through this alone.

    The last thing I want to tell you is that, unless husband has done some specific something that you are certain caused any of this?

    Then he is innocent. Innocent as you are.

    My husband and I committed to making it work. I swear, we hated one another. We decided to try again because there was no reason not to. Neither of us had "met someone else" or gone off to find ourselves or any of the other things that can happen when a marriage is truly over.

    If you can go away with husband for a weekend ~ go to a hotel or fly off somewhere exotic or WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO TO GET AWAY FOR THREE NIGHTS, I think you will come back married, again.

    Those getting away times were what kept our marriage solvent, I think, through all those bad years.

    It was like a swimmer, lifting her head out of the water for a gasp of fresh air while she is swimming across the Channel.

    Just enough, just enough, to keep the marriage alive.

    You can always get divorced later, once you both are able to think clearly again. That's what we told ourselves (and each other).

    We like to fight sometimes, and that is okay. We needed to watch for verbally abusive behaviors and name calling, and we needed to remember where the pain was coming from, and that it really was nothing the other guy had done.

    Sending you strength and wishing well, hearthope.

    And if you do need to leave the site for awhile?

    We will all still be here, when you are ready to come back.

    Maybe, you should try some of those pastel peanut M&Ms?

    Barbara




     
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hearthope, Karen said what I was thinking when I read what you said about leaving the board for awhile.

    It's the metaphor of rowing the boat---when you feel strong you help row and post to others; and when you don't, you sit back and heal while the rest of us carry on. Our turns at the oars change as our needs change but we work together and are always part of the same team.

    Hugs,
    Suz
     
  10. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Karen and Suz, I just always have something to say and I have been so negative lately that I was going to take a break.

    I do need this board and I am glad you all are here, I didn't want to keep sharing such negative thoughts is all.

    Barbara, I was trying to explain why I thought we didn't celebrate the liives of our difficult children.

    I was talking about church, and the grocery store,wal-mart,school principal,football coach,youth minister,difficult child's old "good" friends,sunday school teacher,neighbors,the whole shabang!

    Little by little all these people and I quit mentioning my son's name.
    We still all see one another and everyone asks How is easy child? but my difficult child is a silent memory that is not brought up.

    That is what I was trying to explain with the snowball getting larger and larger, his name is never brought up anymore.

    Just know without me going there ~ Most all the pros. I sought help from just left me with more questions and no answers.

    That is why our difficult children lives are not celebrated.

    To this day, if I go to easy child's school, the principal just shakes his head. We could never talk about all the great things my difficult child did before he took a wrong turn.

    It seems only in death do we celebrate one's life

    Don't get me wrong, I think we should.
     
  11. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    Hearthope, I also think about leaving the board for awhile. Even with all I've learned here I still feel like a miserable failure as a mother. I miss my son so much.
     
  12. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    What an awesome post. I get home from work...relax and read the board and now I'm crying.

    Little by little all these people and I quit mentioning my son's name.

    That pretty much sums it up. It's almost as he doesn't exist in the extended family or friends, and in actuality...our lives. Sad. We still have not heard from him in a few weeks now.

    I loved Goodnight Moon. My kids did, too. Another favorite was "There's a Monster in My Closet." I still have the book.

    I'm glad you found some peace. I would love to be there.

    Abbey
     
  13. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I haven't posted a lot lately. I have had a horrible time of late. Nothing seems to go right for my children---even the easy child's. difficult child is just so lost that it seems hopeless---but everyday I get up, and I smile, and I find some reason, some glint of hope from somewhere deep within that tells me that one day he will find his way. My oldest is struggling with a young wife who believes that the "grass will be greener..." and never in my life have I been as proud of him as I am right now---he is handling his "stuff." He wants to save his marriage. He said that if it all ends he wants to make sure that he has not regrets and won't ever have to look at his son and say I didn't try. He has said such profound, mature, wise things that I find myself shaking my head and pondering how I could have raised him and his brother and have them turn out so very differently. PCdaughter is a typical teen. She is not perfect (always picks the wrong guy) and back talks every now and then, but she is a "good" girl and I don't worry about her the way I do about difficult child. Sometimes I question what I could have done...but honestly, I don't know. My bio-dad was a difficult child. My bio-mom is a difficult child. Their brothers and sisters are all successful, functioning adults...my grandparents did the best they could with my dad. He made his own choices. They still loved him until the end. They didn't always agree with him. I'm sure they didn't always like him. But...they loved him just like I love difficult child. Right now I am disappointed, hurt, angry, betrayed...but I love the kid.
     
  14. sameold sameold

    sameold sameold New Member

    It was so nice to see this post tonite. I am feeling let down and angry with difficult child with some recent incidents. So this was nice to read. I went right downstairs and grabbed Goodnight Moon. And also The Little Train that Could, another fav of mine. "I think I can, I think I can. Thanks for the precious quiet warm memories.
     
  15. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    So, that's Abbey, quoting hearthope. I never talk about difficult child, either. Only here, or with his sister. If I do talk about him? I never tell the truth, because I don't want to worry his grandmothers or air our family's laundry.

    But would we feel that way if our difficult children were physically ill?

    I think there would be sympathy for us from others. Imagine a conversation where some other parent is yakking on about how successful little Jimmy is, and you say "Oh, I know. My son or daughter was doing so well too, until the mortal illness struck."

    Think of the difference in the quality of the response you receive from other parents, or from family members, because our difficult children are involved with drugs or crime instead of being terminaly ill. (I know this is sick ~ but I am going somewhere with this thought. Somewhre good, I think.) We truly are not the ones displaying these kinds of moral weaknesses or making these bad choices, and yet, compared to parents whose children have managed to do what they were supposed to, WE ARE BEING CONTINUALLY PUNISHED AND ACCEPTING THAT DESIGNATION.

    Here is the proof: imagine how others would interact with you, or how you would present the information, if your difficult child were terminally ill with something that has nothing to do with a sexually transmitted illness. (It just occurred to me that parents whose children have AIDS must be walking a path even tougher than our own paths have been.) So, imagine you are talking about the good fight your child is putting up against a terminal illness ~ and imagine the difference in the reactions you would receive.

    Well, that is what is happening to us. That is the cost, and there is the source of so much of our pain.

    It is like thinking about our marriages or our careers or anything else. We need to count the costs and weight the benefits, not only of the good or bad things that DO happen, but of the good things that do NOT happen.

    And we are punishing ourselves to the point that, at least for me, anything good in our lives had been viewed as tainted. Instead of nursery music, my memories are playing the theme to Jaws. (It must have been bad because look what happened is how those thought patterns run, right?)

    Everything colored with forbidding spookiness and with phrases like "I should have known." echoing in the background.

    No wonder we feel as we do.

    How can we change this?

    The Wizard of Oz (that is what is on my mind this morning ~ something about the scarecrow and the tinman always having had a brain and a heart, and the lion always having had courage, but needing a piece of paper, to tell them so).

    And how ridiculous the Wizard looked, once they finally got to Oz.

    That,and a phrase from the novel ShoGun.

    "Build another."

    As long as we have accepted that there is shame in what has happened to our kids, we will never heal.

    IS there shame in it?

    Should we feel more shame than a parent whose child has a terminal illness?

    Do we have any more control over our children's situations than a parent whose child has a terminal illness, than a parent who is fighting for the physical, and not only the mental and emotional, life of his or her child?

    Are we in any less pain?

    Are we any less desperate to try anything, anything at all, to save them?

    And yet, we are not seen as noble. And we do not see ourselves as noble.

    And we do not see the battles our addicted children do mount ~ the times they managed to stay away from it for a month or a minute ~ as noble.

    And not to put too fine a point on it? But MY difficult child IS terminal. He is already gone, and I watched him fall apart and there was nothing, NOTHING I could do.

    And there was no one to have me for coffee or bring me casseroles or flowers or send sympathy cards while I watched my son lose his battle.

    I was supposed to buck up, to keep my pain hidden.

    We all are supposed to buck up and keep our pain hidden.

    So, the person whose mind we most need to change, the person who most needs to see the situation with our children differently?

    Is us.

    But how may we do that?

    Barbara
     
  16. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I also have "love you Forever" and read it still with tears in my eyes.
    we have not failed to be good parents. no way, we still love our kids no matter what.

    what we have done is grieved over what our dream for them was.

    it takes lots of time to do that. in fact, they fool us by doing well some of the time, getting our hopes up once more that they can and will be our dream child.

    we lower our expectations, we lower the bar, hoping they can at least get one leg up and over it. we push from behind, we pull from the front. we try to climb over the bar in their place. we get to the other side, with them on our backs. we cannot carry them any more and we lay them down.

    we sit and lick our wounds a while.

    then we look at ourselves long and hard and realize we can only do so much. we look at them and still love them, and stop trying to get them to be someone they are not.

    then we learn who they are and we adapt to that. still loving them.

    I will love ant forever. It is a learning process to stop expecting ant to be someone he is not. that in no way takes away from the joy of lil ant. the joy of lil ant riding his bike wildly up the street, lil ant running down the sidewalk after guests leaving and making them accept his gift of a matchbox car, lil ant climbing on the counter to help make appetizers for Christmas eve.

    there are good memories of his childhood. the past ten years have not been so good. that is not to say it cannot be good again. different than what I planned/hoped for him. but maybe some day an acceptable place.
     
  17. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I used to not talk about difficult child's problems. I was ashamed of his behaviors. No one ever knew that he went missing while I was waiting on word of my daughter who had an emergency c-section and the fate of her premature baby. difficult child was off having sex with a girl down the street. He snucck back in the house at 6:30 am the next day. I had just finished filing a missing person's report with the state troopers.
    I bucked up went to work and put a joyous face on and showed off pictures of my newest grandchild. I never spoke of the horror of my difficult child's selfishness and the pain and suffering he caused to my fellow collegues.

    After difficult child's spiral down and his assault on me, I had people, both friends and family, tell me that I could not talk about him at gatherings when others asked about him. That these were happy times and talk of difficult child brought them down. So my pain was very much hidden.

    Now I am very open about my difficult child. I tell of the opportunities he was given and how he is unable to do what needs to be done to be successful. Maybe because I do say that I adopted him, I don't know, but people are very kind and sympathetic. Most offer to pray for him. I do not go into longwinded detail and I am not emotional when I talk about him. I calmly try to use my experience to educate people that good families can have kids with problems. I tell about how it is hard to find good services for mentally ill people especially when they are children. I advocate quietly and nudgingly. I believe and I hope that if all parents and friends and neighbors do this lovingly eventually the harsh sterotypes that are projected upon us as parents of difficult children will be erroded away.

    I do tell funny stories about the precious moments in difficult child's life. He isn't all bad none of our kids are. It is Ok to remember the good times and feelings that we experienced when our difficult children were growing up. It s good to be able to say that we have some wonderful memories.

    I think it is important to tell of our difficult child's successes also when we tell of thier problems. I think that way people get a better perception of our difficult children and can feel appropriate sadness of a life lost and not just the anger and frustration. . -RM
     
  18. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    There is a holiday celebrated at your inlaws. 20+ people, some you see often and some only twice a year.

    You all sit down to dinner. Everyone is catching up on all the happenings from the last get-together. How much so and so has grown. How proud so and so must be of their son, etc.

    Not one person asks about difficult child.

    At first you are relieved not to have to answer questions about how he is. Then you start to hurt, there had to be some announcement before you arrived letting everyone know not to ask you about him.

    You sit in silence. You want to scream that you are doing all you can to handle your fragile life, but you sit in silence and choke the food down.

    You finally get finished and rush to the car with little goodbyes. You drive down the road and burst to tears.

    This is family. If you can't face family with difficult child issues ~ how on earth do you face others?

    I am echoing Barbara ~~ I agree it is us that need to change, but I also am dumbfounded on how to do it.

    I have allowed my difficult child to suck all the air out of my ballon.

    I can't ever seem to let go and be okay if he is not okay.

    I have learned to drudge on. But I have not learned to be happy again, really happy is something I have not experienced in a long time. If I am at my most treasured place, doing what I love to do, there is my difficult child in the back of my mind and my thoughts wander back to him.

    I can push the worries out, but they always return
     
  19. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Before I got so off subject, I did want to finish the family dinner another way.

    Same family ~ Same get-together

    Your son is injured in a wreck and lost the use of his arm

    Everyone there would ask you how he was, where he was, how is his progress.

    As you get ready to leave, again everyone would tell you to make sure you tell him we asked about him and let him know we are all praying for him.

    Then ~ bless your heart mom, I know this must be so hard on you ~ is there any thing any of us can do to help you in this time of need?

    Neighbors would bring food over, because you must be having a rough time dealing with all of this.

    Church members would stop by and pray for strength for you to handle this

    Your family would call and check and come by to see if there was anything they could do.

    Everyone you ran into anywhere that knew him and of the accident would ask you about him and they would also ask about you and if you were holding up okay

    When you crawled into bed and couldn't seem to face the world ~ all these people would be alarmed that you needed some help to deal with all that was happening to your son

    Yes, we all carry a huge burden. We carry it silently.

    We have memories to help us get up each day, but sometimes those memories are bittersweet and they make the burden so much heavier.

    Most of my memories revolve around football. Most of my son's pictures have a football in them. He has had a football since he could sit up.

    It is hard to look at the pictures ~ the pictures tell of a dream that got crushed
     
  20. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi,
    RM, I too am very open about both my difficult children. I also get very sympathetic responses and often someone will open up to me about their own difficult children. I don't think I have anything to be ashamed about and also want to show people that "good parents" can have "bad kids." It is so much assumed that a troubled kid has to have a bad home life, must be the parents' fault, especially the mom's. One of my co-workers warned me about saying too much to certain people where we work--that they like to gossip--will appear sympathetic but will talk about me behind my back. But I really don't care. I don't care what they are saying about me.

    I also have to admit that sometimes I get a kind of pleasure out of being very honest--like when someone is talking about their perfect kid and all the great things they are doing and I bring up how my kid that age has been in rehab, dropped out of school, etc. but that she now has GED and works and how proud I am of her for her accomplishments.

    Jane
     
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