Does anyone tell others you have a difficult child?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, May 2, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    We never have discussed difficult child's diagnosis with anyone accept school. We have gotten many a looks over the years. All I could ever think was, if only you could walk in my shoes, one day. Anyway, we have watched many soccer, basketball and baseball games where difficult child just loses it. We have Finaly learned that the more you try to comfort him, talk to him, reason with him, the worse it gets. He was kicked out of Basketball. soccer - had a wonderful great coach for 6 years. The coach would just tell him to go sit with your parents and when you get yourself together you can rejoin the team. It worked. No talking, arguing, reasoning. Never mentioned it in baseball, husband does not think it is anyones business. Well, I did practice this week. I saw difficult child start yelling at a teammate because he missed the ball (difficult child missed)..you know it was all the other kids fault, he threw it and difficult child wasn't ready, blah, blah, blah. I went to the coaches wife who was sitting on the bleechers and asked her if I could speak to her (coach was ..coaching on the field). I told her of difficult child's diagnosis. Told her it is not an excuse, he needs to learn how to handle himself. Told her if coach would try to reason with him in these situations it would get worse. he needs to just regroup and rejoin. She was very thankful and would tell her husband. She said a lot of times they don't know why the kids are so upset so they try to talk to them. I am happy I spoke to her. by the way..excellent coach. First game was Monday night. they lost by one run. difficult child handled himself, strike outs, and loss very good. (he did get a couple hits too).
    Tuesday night was second game. They won by 9 runs. Excellent game, he handled everything very very good. I was so proud of him. I hope it continues.
     
  2. panda

    panda New Member

    dear kjs,

    I don't know about anybody else. But if it is an adult who will be dealing with my difficult child 1 or difficult child 2 on a consistent basis i will fill them in on what's going on. in my humble opinion it makes it easier for my difficult child's and the responsible adult teaching, coaching and/or taking care of them. but in return i don't let my difficult child 1 or difficult child 2 know that i told anyone, they get very upset if they thinj anyone knows. hope that you have more good games and practices! smiles to you, panda
     
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I tell people on a Need to Know basis. Otherwise, it's not really any of their business.
     
  4. bystander

    bystander New Member

    Thank you so much for posting this. :angel:

    My son is 6 and has been deemed a natural athlete by his teacher. :smile: Anything with a ball - he's at it for hours and hours and hours (if you'd let him). In fact he wore his uncle out last year at a family outing. His uncle held the collegiate decathlete record until 2 years ago (he's 38).

    Anyway, we're considering letting DS do stuff like soccer and little league (when he's 8 ... earliest in our town. His Occupational Therapist (OT) says "No T-Ball - he needs baseball).

    The issue is that DS is VERY intense and does not deal with defeat or other's mishaps well at all. He has moments where he takes in in stride - but for the most part, :nonono:

    Reasoning with him is also not very effective. I think if he's going to be involved with a team - I may very well go to the coaches before hand and suggest a friendly "time-out" to regroup.

    DS does not have a diagnosis. He is going to soccer camp this summer. They had a spot for parents to warn about Learning Disability (LD)'s etc. I just said that DS is VERY intense when it comes to competition. Hopefully that will clue the coaches.
     
  5. lordhelpme

    lordhelpme New Member

    i have been open with-many people especially other parents cuz they have been in the school and have seen difficult child retraind or chased by staff. as memtioned above you kind of have to tell anyone who is coming into contact with-difficult child(sunday school, t-ball, scouts)

    i have questioned about how much i share for difficult child's privacy but right now i have found that by being open i am coming into contact with-parents i did not know had difficult child's or parents of difficult child who really need to come here, Know what I mean?!!!!

    i have run into enough parents out there hungry for info or who just need support that a friend of mine and i have decided to begin a local support group. so i think being willing to talk about it when the topic arises can possibly open open opportunities to help others are get help yourself.
     
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well with my kids it was so obvious that they were different that telling wasnt an option.

    Jamie was extremely hyper. He wasnt aggressive or mean or defiant but he was all over the place. You knew immediately he was hyper! He did excellent in sports though.

    Cory was just Cory. He was jumping all over the place and in everyones space and grabbing attention and had to be redirected constantly. I was always there. He did pretty well in sports but we had to keep on him. I always said I had to play him like a video game. I was on the sidelines yelling at him to do this or that and go this way or that way and keep his hands to himself or yada yada. We often gave him small jobs on the sidelines to keep him occupied. He had really great coaches who just knew he was Cory. I dont know that anyone really knew exactly what was wrong with him because none of us did back then.
     
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I did a sort of pick and choose when it came to sharing difficult child's diagnosis with anyone. Obviously, teachers needed to know, as well as anyong working closely with her, such as a coach or tutor. Certain coaches I did not tell because it was such a non-issue. For instance with soccer I didn't feel the need until something happened or someone asked me. But with softball, I volunteered the information BEFORE a situation came up because softball has more focus on each player as opposed to soccer where it's more about being part of a team.

    I just felt like A) it wasn't everyone's business and B) we live in a very small town where people tend to 'talk' and if I shared this info with one person, many people will eventually know it as well. C) I never wanted to explain behaviors without difficult child first giving a demonstration because most of the time she was better with everyone else except me! And lastly, I never wanted to be perceived as one of those parents who used difficult child's diagnosis as an excuse for poor behaviors.

    Go with your gut - when it feels right to share, go ahead and share. Always keep difficult child's best interests at heart and you can't usually go wrong.
     
  8. 3sacharm

    3sacharm New Member

    I do not share my sons BiPolar (BP) diagnosis with anyone. Not even the school district or his teachers. They know of the ODD and the ADHD diagnosis and they know he is on Metadate but not about the Lithium he takes. I have not seen any need or where it can help for them to know about the BiPolar (BP). People talk, even the teachers and its no ones business. I am not ashamed he is BiPolar (BP), but not enough people understand it and too many people think it is worse than it is. Besides it is just as easily to blame it on the ADHD and everyone seems to accept that.
     
  9. ROE

    ROE New Member

    I tell people on a need to know basis.

    In elementary school difficult child never had behavioral problems in school (at home he was a nightmare). I told the school what medications he was taking but I never told them why and nobody ever asked.

    His behavioral problems in school started in middle school. He was always getting into trouble. After a couple of teachers reported troubling "mood swings" I contacted all of his teachers for input thinking that a medication change might be in order. Eventually, I was called to the school for a meeting with AP, GC, and low and behold school pysch (not surprised but they could have told me that she would be included). I did come forward with the information on his diagnosis's. The reaction was mixed, but most of his teachers were a bit more understanding and willing to try to help the situation but some of them just drove me crazy.

    When he started high school I kept quiet at first (it was all in his file if they really wanted to know). The year started out quiet, I thought no news was good news until I got to conferences (nobody bothered to contact me before). Man did I get an earful! I met with GC shortly after to discuss difficult child's issues. I don't know what I expected to accomplish. I was just hoping to keep difficult child from getting into too much trouble. GC blew me off told me he didn't have a behavioral problem (AP had told me the same thing). It was his grades they were worried about. One month later AP calls a meeting, "difficult child has had behavioral problems from the beginning and we are not going to tolerate it." I was not happy with their sudden change of attitude.

    I don't feel that I get any real support from the high school. I understand where they are coming from: they see him as nothing but a difficult child and I am nothing but the ineffective parent making excuses for him. I don't excuse difficult child's behavior but if I make a suggestion on how to "de-escalate" situations their eyes roll back in their heads.

    Thankfully, difficult child's behavior this year is better but I avoid sharing anything that I don't have to with them. I have already burned a few bridges.

    I don't talk about my difficult child to my family or friends much either. I'm tired of being judged. I am tired of people, that have absolutely no clue, imply that they could do it so much better. I come here instead.
     
  10. jamrobmic

    jamrobmic New Member

    I agree with what 3sacharm said. I think some diagnosis are more acceptable to the general public. I was very open with the high school (my son wasn't diagnosis until he was 15), and they were willing to work with me when difficult child's diagnosis was ADD/ODD. However, when I told them he had been diagnosis with bipolar disorder (nine months later), they were suddenly unwilling to deal with him and I ended up taking him out of school within a week of telling them. I'm not ashamed of him, but in my experience, being open with people who aren't educated in the area of mental illness can cause a lot of problems.
     
  11. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Given the tweedles level of involvement & how they present their disorders it seems the whole world knows of their diagnosis's.

    And having said that, the treatment team & school/day treatment know what is going on. Not the entire hx - as that is for kt & wm to share if they would like.

    My extremely supportive family knows. Some of our neighbors know that the tweedles are adopted & appear to have issues.

    I do my best to balance an effective treatment plan along with privacy & as much "normalcy" for the tweedles.
     
  12. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    my difficult child II is a great athelete but not on any team sports any longer. The negative feedback by his peers and his peers parents was too much for him and us
     
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