Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Does Detachment = No Contact?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Albatross" data-source="post: 623503" data-attributes="member: 17720"><p>Stress Bunny, so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. For what it's worth, I think it is great that you have cut off the financial strings, and like COM said, that you and husband are getting to the same point at the same time. That makes things so much easier, when you are both on the same page. </p><p></p><p>In my experience, detachment is a very organic thing and may or may not involve no contact. </p><p></p><p>For a long time, no contact was because my son didn't contact us unless he needed something and he had other ways to meet his needs. I was certainly NOT very detached then and obsessed about how he could abandon his family that way. I checked his cell phone records and always found ways to "run into" people who might know where he was and what he was up to. It was never good news, but I tortured myself anyway. It was the only connection I had to him.</p><p></p><p>When things got worse in difficult child's life, no contact was at my and husband's request because it was too painful to take a "front row seat" for the mayhem. With some counseling, we clarified what we would need from him in order to rebuild a relationship; otherwise we just didn't want to see him for awhile. </p><p></p><p>I sent him a text to that effect and just didn't respond to the "you're my mother, how can you do this to me" etc. responses. That was hard, obviously. But the alternative was guilt, anger, resentment, worry, confusion, etc., to the point where thinking clearly was impossible. I guess we were to the point where if that was the only connection we were going to have, it was better not to have one at all. It sounds like you might be struggling at that point as well.</p><p></p><p>Getting that distance was something we desperately needed to do. It was the only way to decompress and let a little light in, to see that the relationship I wanted to have with him so badly was just a mirage. </p><p></p><p>During that last no contact period, I dropped off some clothes at the halfway house where my son would be staying and met the man who runs it. He told me the best thing we could do for difficult child is to love him from a distance, and that concept made sense to me. We weren't abandoning him or setting conditions on loving him, just letting him live the consequences of his choices. To me that's what detachment looks like, whether it's with contact or not. Just letting the natural consequences of his choices play themselves out.</p><p></p><p>Contact since then has always been initiated by difficult child, and husband and I keep the visits short, tread lightly and are EXTREMELY careful not to offer anything that could be construed as advice or "help." </p><p></p><p>Now my struggle with detachment is to not get all swept up in things going well for difficult child lately. First of all, I know things turn on a dime in difficult child's life and I don't want to get invested in it. Second, it's not fair to keep him at arm's length during the bad times but get all "high five" when things are going well. He reaps the rewards as well as the punishments. And third, I have to let our relationship rebuild naturally, in the way that it really IS, not the way I WANT it to be. Whatever that turns out to be, it will at least be honest and we all will have been willing parties, not me trying to "force" it on him. Cuz you're right, we can't be their external brain, or heart, or anything else. They are grown men and will go where their own hearts and minds lead them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Albatross, post: 623503, member: 17720"] Stress Bunny, so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. For what it's worth, I think it is great that you have cut off the financial strings, and like COM said, that you and husband are getting to the same point at the same time. That makes things so much easier, when you are both on the same page. In my experience, detachment is a very organic thing and may or may not involve no contact. For a long time, no contact was because my son didn't contact us unless he needed something and he had other ways to meet his needs. I was certainly NOT very detached then and obsessed about how he could abandon his family that way. I checked his cell phone records and always found ways to "run into" people who might know where he was and what he was up to. It was never good news, but I tortured myself anyway. It was the only connection I had to him. When things got worse in difficult child's life, no contact was at my and husband's request because it was too painful to take a "front row seat" for the mayhem. With some counseling, we clarified what we would need from him in order to rebuild a relationship; otherwise we just didn't want to see him for awhile. I sent him a text to that effect and just didn't respond to the "you're my mother, how can you do this to me" etc. responses. That was hard, obviously. But the alternative was guilt, anger, resentment, worry, confusion, etc., to the point where thinking clearly was impossible. I guess we were to the point where if that was the only connection we were going to have, it was better not to have one at all. It sounds like you might be struggling at that point as well. Getting that distance was something we desperately needed to do. It was the only way to decompress and let a little light in, to see that the relationship I wanted to have with him so badly was just a mirage. During that last no contact period, I dropped off some clothes at the halfway house where my son would be staying and met the man who runs it. He told me the best thing we could do for difficult child is to love him from a distance, and that concept made sense to me. We weren't abandoning him or setting conditions on loving him, just letting him live the consequences of his choices. To me that's what detachment looks like, whether it's with contact or not. Just letting the natural consequences of his choices play themselves out. Contact since then has always been initiated by difficult child, and husband and I keep the visits short, tread lightly and are EXTREMELY careful not to offer anything that could be construed as advice or "help." Now my struggle with detachment is to not get all swept up in things going well for difficult child lately. First of all, I know things turn on a dime in difficult child's life and I don't want to get invested in it. Second, it's not fair to keep him at arm's length during the bad times but get all "high five" when things are going well. He reaps the rewards as well as the punishments. And third, I have to let our relationship rebuild naturally, in the way that it really IS, not the way I WANT it to be. Whatever that turns out to be, it will at least be honest and we all will have been willing parties, not me trying to "force" it on him. Cuz you're right, we can't be their external brain, or heart, or anything else. They are grown men and will go where their own hearts and minds lead them. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Does Detachment = No Contact?
Top