Does disordered eating ever really go away?

[trinityroyal]

Harumph!
I am so very frustrated with myself right now.

After struggling for years with anorexia and bulimia, I came to terms with food, eating, and body image. I've been able to eat normally, exercise in a healthful way (instead of driving myself to exhaustion burning off one more calorie), and in general have been pretty stable over the last 12 years or so.

One of the strategies that has allowed me to do this is to never weigh myself. It's information that I just don't need to know.

BUT!
At my pre-natal check-up this morning, I was given a pile of requisitions for blood work, ultrasounds and other routine tests that I need to have done over the next couple of weeks. As I was reading through all of the forms, I caught sight of the dreaded numbers...my WEIGHT.

I've been giving myself pep talk after pep talk, but nothing seems to be making a dent. I know I'm healthy. I KNOW that with pregnancy...and with TWINS...I can expect a significant weight gain. I KNOW that now's not the time to diet, or worse, starve. But all I can think about right now is those wretched numbers.

I weigh 80 pounds more than I did at my lowest weight during the eating struggles. Of course, that was about 50 pounds lower than the bottom end of a healthy weight range for me, so without the added pregnancy pounds, clearly I fall somewhere within the healthy zone.

But I just can't get past the numbers. They're dancing in my head, taunting me.

After all these years I thought I was over this stuff. I could sit and eat a meal without torturing myself. I could eat a holiday dinner without sneaking off to purge, I could get through days and days without obsessing about food.

But now I find myself thinking about dieting. And starving. About cutting things out of my daily intake. About exercising to the point of fainting, just like I used to.

I know better. Why am I having so much trouble with this?

 

[flutterby]

I wish I had the answer for you.

I don't think this is something that ever goes away; you just learn to manage it.

Are you feeling more stressed than usual? That would always kick it in with me. That feeling out of control always amped it up.

You need to revisit the coping measures that got you to where you are today. What were they (besides not weighing yourself which is what I had to stop doing, too)? Ask the OB's office to black out your weight on anything they give to you.

I forget, but I think you have a therapist? I would definitely be discussing this with her.

 

[Nomad]

For me...it hasn't totally gone away.

However, I have gotten much better at managing it.

Additionally, I recognize when it is getting to be an issue and catch it right away.

Previously, I could easily let things get out of control.

Not willing at all to go to that place anymore.

I might have some bad days...even a week or two. I try VERY hard not to ever let it get past that. ALL the coping mechansims come out. Stress is an issue for me. I combat that with dealing with my fears, relaxing technqiues, other good health guidelines...it all comes together and I get back on track.

 

[SRL]

I'm sorry this is rearing its ugly head again for you. It's frustrating when problems you have had in the past that you think you have conquered make their appearance once more.

I agree: maybe it would be good to talk this over with your ob and have him direct that the same nurse check you in for each appointment. Have them work it out so that your weight is hidden from you unless there is a problem.

You also need to come up with a definite plan so that all you don't see in your mind are those wretched numbers. What's helped you in the past?

You can do this, trinity.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Trinity,

Even though I've never suffered from anorexia/bulemia, I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER!!! in my humble opinion, I don't think disordered eating ever really disappears. I think we can find ways to control and suppress it, but, the potential for it to rear it's ugly head is always there... I wish I didn't believe this...

I think flutterby has good advice. I think it would be a good idea to have your OBGYN's office black out your weight unless there is a problem. Also, talking to your therapist is a great idea.

Staying on track is hard work. However, I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Post as much as you need to. We'll be here for you. Thinking of you... Hugs... WFEN

 

[trinityroyal]

Thanks everyone. Knowing that I'm not the only one struggling with this helps a lot.
I think also recognizing that it is a form of emotional eating is helping me to get a handle on it.

I will talk this through with my therapist at the next appointment. And in the meantime, husband is being an absolute sweetheart, telling me I'm beautiful, emphasizing the importance of my health etc.

Feeling a bit better today.

Baby steps.

Hugs to all of you,
Trinity

 

[busywend]

Perhaps it is hormones??!! They can wreak havoc with our emotions.

You recognize it and that is the most important part.

Does it ever go away? No, I do not think it does. We KNOW we can find comfort in food. We just have to find other ways to comfort ourselves.

 

[Jena]

HI

Sorry i'm late to this. First of all right now you need to be shoving alot of food into you!!

Listen you have alot giong on right now and you handle it all soo very well, you didn't slip back down the ladder your just coping. I haven't deal with this directly, yet when i was married i was like 35 lbs. heavier than i am now because i was miserable. it's something about putting food into your stomach makes you feel full and content momentarily.

husband sounds like a great guy! You are beautiful and pregnant, hey your like super warrior mom!!!

have a great day!

 

[1905]

I can tell you that I like to be skinny too. I NEVER weigh myself, and turn around on the Dr.s office scale. You know you're healthy, keep telling yourself this, this is the price you have to pay to keep those babies healthy. It's very stessful, I'm sure to see the changes in your body when you are so aware of how you like to be, look, and feel. Tell yourself, it's for the babies. You can do this. It is for them. Eat what you like. If you start to feel guilty, have some veggies or something extra healthy. They need you to be this weight, and they need you to be a healthy weight after they're born- you can lose the weight easily, EASILY, just by breastfeeding. I gained 60 pounds with each of my 3 kids because dieting literally went went right out the window, I ate anything- ice cream..anything...it was my license to eat. Just listen to your body, Trinity. Try not to be stressed out. You're beautiful. Remember this.-Alyssa