Harumph! I am so very frustrated with myself right now. After struggling for years with anorexia and bulimia, I came to terms with food, eating, and body image. I've been able to eat normally, exercise in a healthful way (instead of driving myself to exhaustion burning off one more calorie), and in general have been pretty stable over the last 12 years or so. One of the strategies that has allowed me to do this is to never weigh myself. It's information that I just don't need to know. BUT! At my pre-natal check-up this morning, I was given a pile of requisitions for blood work, ultrasounds and other routine tests that I need to have done over the next couple of weeks. As I was reading through all of the forms, I caught sight of the dreaded numbers...my WEIGHT. I've been giving myself pep talk after pep talk, but nothing seems to be making a dent. I know I'm healthy. I KNOW that with pregnancy...and with TWINS...I can expect a significant weight gain. I KNOW that now's not the time to diet, or worse, starve. But all I can think about right now is those wretched numbers. I weigh 80 pounds more than I did at my lowest weight during the eating struggles. Of course, that was about 50 pounds lower than the bottom end of a healthy weight range for me, so without the added pregnancy pounds, clearly I fall somewhere within the healthy zone. But I just can't get past the numbers. They're dancing in my head, taunting me. After all these years I thought I was over this stuff. I could sit and eat a meal without torturing myself. I could eat a holiday dinner without sneaking off to purge, I could get through days and days without obsessing about food. But now I find myself thinking about dieting. And starving. About cutting things out of my daily intake. About exercising to the point of fainting, just like I used to. I know better. Why am I having so much trouble with this?