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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 588419" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>I felt it was important to add that difficult child took his ideas about poor parenting being the reason he chose to use drugs from...us. I just could not get past the idea that somehow, everything bad that ever happened to either of my kids was my fault. I was in therapy for a very long time and never managed to shake that belief that my poor parenting was the ultimate cause of difficult child's problems. I spent years and lots of money trying to find whatever it was so that I could fix it. Not that I was a perfect parent? (There are no perfect parents.) But I did not indicate to my child that addiction was a desirable lifestyle choice.</p><p></p><p>Neither did any of the parents here, or they would not be here.</p><p></p><p>It is very important for parents to understand that the kids will take their cues about where their problems (and solutions) have or will come from, from us. If we take responsibility, then we will be the ones who have to fix it. If we can see clearly that we taught them better AND TELL THEM THAT (this is true, or you wouldn't be on the site to begin with) then the problem, and the strength and desire to find a solution, are put back into the difficult child's hands.</p><p></p><p>I forgot that part, about difficult child's turn around. I had seen my way clear to understanding he HAD been raised better than to do what he was doing, and to tell difficult child that in no uncertain terms.</p><p></p><p>That's a really important piece. I'm glad I remembered that.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 588419, member: 1721"] I felt it was important to add that difficult child took his ideas about poor parenting being the reason he chose to use drugs from...us. I just could not get past the idea that somehow, everything bad that ever happened to either of my kids was my fault. I was in therapy for a very long time and never managed to shake that belief that my poor parenting was the ultimate cause of difficult child's problems. I spent years and lots of money trying to find whatever it was so that I could fix it. Not that I was a perfect parent? (There are no perfect parents.) But I did not indicate to my child that addiction was a desirable lifestyle choice. Neither did any of the parents here, or they would not be here. It is very important for parents to understand that the kids will take their cues about where their problems (and solutions) have or will come from, from us. If we take responsibility, then we will be the ones who have to fix it. If we can see clearly that we taught them better AND TELL THEM THAT (this is true, or you wouldn't be on the site to begin with) then the problem, and the strength and desire to find a solution, are put back into the difficult child's hands. I forgot that part, about difficult child's turn around. I had seen my way clear to understanding he HAD been raised better than to do what he was doing, and to tell difficult child that in no uncertain terms. That's a really important piece. I'm glad I remembered that. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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