~~Does letting go every get easier???~~

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by confused_n_tx, Oct 6, 2007.

  1. confused_n_tx

    confused_n_tx New Member

    Does letting go every get easier?

    I would like to hear from any of you that may know tips on how to do this.


    Background info. ME - I am 47, single & never married, and all I ever wanted was to be a mom. Had my daughter hours before my 30th BD. I took lots of classes, read lots of books, quit my job so that I could raise my daughter the best way possible.

    My daughter 17, highly intellegent, Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, ODD. Hospitilized 3 times, been to several treatment facilities/schools, has been on legal probation. Did drugs some when she was 13-14, not any more, loves alchohol, surprisingly a virgin. Loves to flirt from afar but doesn't date very much even though she gets asked out a lot, mostly by older guys.

    She was a good kid, straight A's, won lots of awards for different things,had a agent and was a child model and actress, and had a very innocent, sheletered up-bringing. My disciplinary style is simular to "the Nanny" on the show. I kept my calm (most of the time), Never called names, and most of all, only on occassion, would negotiate, what I had said I would do - I did.
    Lots of hugs and she would hug me all the time. I could not get her into her own bed F/T until she was 14 and that was with a lot of counseling. After she turned 12, like so many kids, she completely changed. But not like so many kids became very violent. She had, on occassions, gotten into trouble for hurting other children. There was never violence in the home when she was young.
    After a horrible episode of her attacking me, usually for the smallest thing,I would call our local police who would usually blame me, even though I hadn't even hit my kid. Some policement would tell me that I should hit her and that by law I could, others would tell me that she was too cute and would not have acted like that without some reason. Getting help for her has never been easy. They always asume because she is cute that she can not possibly be mentally ill. the counselors who got to know her, knew how manipulating & narcistic she could be. Her probation officer could not stand her because she would tottally disrespect her and not show up when she should & talk back.

    Anyway after years of trying everything and not having the cooperation of the police, my daughter pretty much thought she could do anything she wanted when she wanted. When I would ground her from the phone, she would call my mother, who I haven't spoke with in 11 years, and have her send her a cell phone without telling me she got it or where it came from. Or when I grounded her she would run to her friend, who's mother would baby her and believe all the lies she would tell about me without ever trying to get to know me. Her other friends parents knew me and new I would never hurt her in any way so she would never go to them.

    Well I was tired of my daughter playing me & my mother against each other, and telling all the horrible lies about me so I sent her to live with my mother. She lives in Austin, TX, about 200 miles away. I never get to see her and hardly talk to my daughter anymore. I was hoping she would come to her sinces but instead my mother has bought her a new truck. My daughter always told me that was my duty as a parant was to buy her a car. I would have helped her IF she would have gotten a job and kept it more than 2 weeks. Anyway someone is always there to give her whatever she wants, so she thinks I am so mean for not doing it.

    ALL I ever wanted was to be a mom - her mom. This love/hate relationship she has with me is so painful. Being away form her is so painful. I KNOW I am doing the right thing but it sure doesnt make it easy. I still can't believe 2 people as self-centered as they are, haven't had a falling out yet. I only get to talk to her about oce every 3 weeks. She hangs up on me when I call so I have to waite for her call. She is just 20 miles away at a weading this weekend and won't even come home for a visit. My only rule for her coming home is that she has to get back on medications and stay on them.

    I try to get on with my life - but have to have a pitty party ever-so-often.

    Have I lost her forever?
     
  2. morningcuppa

    morningcuppa New Member

    Hi there

    Poor you. I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. Goodness knows with my difficult child I'm in no position to make suggestions but I'll have a shot anyway. Ignore it if you like!

    I suggest that you do not call her at all. If she does call you maybe you are too busy to talk? Perhaps you are just going out and ask her to call back later. I bet that makes her want to talk to you even more!
    In the meantime I think you are right trying to get on with your life. Perhaps some retail therapy, a new outfit. A new hairdo and join a club. In other words make the most of your life. I would have a guess that your mother will get sick of her soon enough.
    I hope your daughter will want to be part of your life again soon.
    I'm reading my own advice and will act on it myself with my difficult child!

    Good luck and take care.
     
  3. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    The teens years are very hard on the parental relationship. I personally believe it is hardest between mothers and daughters. Add a personality disorder and a mental illness to the mix and you've got a very rocky road.

    I'm sure the separation must be very painful for you. Especially given the fact that you don't speak to your own mother.

    My only advise would be to get some support for yourself. Do you have a therapist? If not ... I would get one. Borderlines are tough cookies to deal with. You would be wise to get some coping techniques ASAP.

    I do believe (personally) that teens issues are exacerbated by virtue of being teenagers. What I mean is ... that mental illnesses/personality disorders are worse during the teen years. My daughters (very best) therapist once told me that "teen girls are borderline & bipolar just because they are teen girls".

    My daughter had the same diagnosis as your daughter (minus the ODD) and today she is doing very well. She does not take medication .. and she is functioning at a very normal level.

    So I do think that kids outgrow some of these issues. I don't think you have lost her forever. Give her some time and space to figure things out. Get yourself some support. Come here often ... its a great place to be.
     
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    You did the right thing. Right now she is getting everything she wants from your mother. As long as they continue to give her what she wants, she will probably never show them the side you have seen. You couldn't continue to live like that. You don't deserve to live like that. You did the right thing and I believe someday she will realize that and then she will be the one trying to call you and start a new relationship.

    I have never lost touch with my difficult child, so I can't tell you it gets easier, but there are others on this board who have and will be along soon to tell you how they have dealt with it and if it has gotten any easier.
     
  6. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    However our situations with our children evolved, there comes a time when we realize that the best thing we can do for them now is to be as strong and healthy ourselves as we know how to be. For so many of us, this means taking a class or a vacation (or even, a night out with friends where the subject is not the difficult child).

    You cannot know which steps to take next, or how to wrap your innermost self around the situation as it now exists without perspective.

    It sounds like this has been a long, hard journey.

    Letting go does not actually exist. What we can learn though, is how to walk the paths we have to walk without destroying ourselves with guilt or remorse. If you have not visited the detachment site yet, that is a good place to start. That site is listed at the bottom of my post.

    Wishing well.

    Barbara
     
  7. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    you are doing a stellar job of being a mom to a strong willed spoiled girl whose gramma is ruining her by enabling her. shame on your mom for this. then again, take a breather as she will be back one day when she wrecks the truck or fights with gramma. she is just using your mom.

    Ant had people like that...his grammas and my ex. he no longer speaks to his dad, his one gramma is dead and the other still doesnt think he does anything wrong for the most part...my mother. the woman is insane. she berates me for not coddling ant, for throwing him out, for saying I will not get him a lawyer..etc etc. If she wants to help she can.

    as a mom I had to set my own personal boundaries. sometimes that can casue guilt if you are not sure you are doing the right thing. your actions prove you love your girl. hard. but necessary. hang in and no guilt now!
     
  8. confused_n_tx

    confused_n_tx New Member

    OMG! THANK YOU all so much! Just reading your comments as eased the pain some already. I'm on may way out but will write more later.

    THANKS again!!
     
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to the board.

    I have the same diagnosis's as your daughter and if I had had the opportunity to do what your daughter is doing, Im sure I would have done it. The difference between me and your daughter is that my mom was mentally ill too. I didnt have anyone to be sent off to live with to spoil me.
     
  10. confused_n_tx

    confused_n_tx New Member

    Thank you all again!

    It's just so frustrating...I see mom's who don't try at all, have all kinds of bad habbits and make horrible choices, and their kids come out great, and then other moms, who have really given this parenting thing 100% and tried to do it "right" only to end up with kids on drugs, in jail, never can handle a job and so on.
    I know the rest of life is not fair, but...I thought parenting was more like what you put in comes out, just not so. It just makes me wonder why there are so many parenting books out there when in the long run you are going to get a better outcome if you are selfish, make bad decisions and/or are an abusive parent.

    My heart is just so heavy.
    I just want my kid home soooooo bad!!
    When she is taking her medications she is such an incredible person! If there wasn't such a major difference. I know my "real" daughter and this is who I miss. I also miss just knowing she is home and safe.

    I know my mother and daughter are both manipulating each other right now, but it doesn't make any of it easier. Especially since I am loosing time I can NEVER get back - graduation, prom, etc. My mom certainly hasn't done anything to deserve to get to spend these precious moments with her, it just makes me literally ill. You always think you are going to have at least 18 years before having to give them up to the world, I was mentally prepared for that, but not for this.

    How come as parents we are always the first to blame a parent when the kid does something "bad" or "wrong" but we never really give the parents any credit when the kid does something right? The kid themselves get the credit. I just think we blame way too quickly, and I am definately one who has blamed other parents without having the full story.
     
  11. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I ditto Barbara and ant's mom. They have helped me so much on this site. When she realizes her grandmother is enabling her she will eventually lose respect for her and use her. you are smart to realize that already. I have done that with my difficult child . It is hard and I worry about him still but I cannot enable hiim anymore - that is what is wrong. It is not you - and it is painful but most of the time the things we do for them because we love them hurt the most.
     
  12. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    confused~~

    (((hugs))) for your mommy heart.

    There is a lot of life that is just the luck of the draw. We get the hand that life deals us. We then try to do the best we can with that hand.

    There is no way that your daughter is sitting there, unaware of the morals and values that you have taught her. When she is about to do something foolish, that pang that just about knocks her to the floor? That is guilt, because she knows better.

    You can drive yourself quite mad if you look around and say it's not fair. Joanie from down the street doesn't have these problems with her son, and she is no better than me. Sally from work has a wonderful daughter, and she doesn't even pay attention to her half the time.

    All probably true. Big deal. The important thing is doing the best with the hand that you were dealt. At this exact point in your life, take this time to work on you. Your daughter is safe, whether you like the way that she & mom are interacting or not. You have this opportunity to take care of you. The time can come suddenly that your daughter needs you again. You will want to be able to rise to the occasion.

    Try not to take your daughter's words and actions towards you so personally. I know that the attack are as personal as they can get, but remember, your daughter has mental illness. It is not her talking. Your mommy heart needs nurturing, so take some time for that.
     
  13. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: confused_n_tx</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

    I see mom's who don't try at all, have all kinds of bad habbits and make horrible choices, and their kids come out great, and then other moms, who have really given this parenting thing 100% and tried to do it "right" only to end up with kids on drugs, in jail, never can handle a job and so on.
    I know the rest of life is not fair, but...I thought parenting was more like what you put in comes out, just not so. It just makes me wonder why there are so many parenting books out there when in the long run you are going to get a better outcome if you are selfish, make bad decisions and/or are an abusive parent.

    My heart is just so heavy.

    I just want my kid home soooooo bad!!
    When she is taking her medications she is such an incredible person! If there wasn't such a major difference. I know my "real" daughter and this is who I miss. I also miss just knowing she is home and safe.

    I know my mother and daughter are both manipulating each other right now, but it doesn't make any of it easier. Especially since I am loosing time I can NEVER get back - graduation, prom, etc. My mom certainly hasn't done anything to deserve to get to spend these precious moments with her, it just makes me literally ill. You always think you are going to have at least 18 years before having to give them up to the world, I was mentally prepared for that, but not for this.

    How come as parents we are always the first to blame a parent when the kid does something "bad" or "wrong" but we never really give the parents any credit when the kid does something right? The kid themselves get the credit. I just think we blame way too quickly, and I am definately one who has blamed other parents without having the full story. </div></div>


    Very perceptive comments.

    What we learn here is how to live with what we know to have happened to us, and to our kids.

    You are right.

    There is no support system for us. Sometimes, we are our own worst enemies. (Like our mothers-in-law are not already filling that role admirably! :smile: Just kidding ~ I love my mother-in-law.) We condemn ourselves for the things our children are doing, forgetting that we DID teach them better.

    So many times, the kids are going to make choices that will take them down even more self-destructive paths ~ and all we will be able to do is stand helplessly by, calling out the things we have tried to teach them, shrieking over the wind that they were raised better than this.

    And no one hears us and sometimes, we cannot even hear ourselves, anymore.

    What is happening to us and to our kids is a living nightmare.

    Sometimes, simply acknowledging that to ourselves helps so much.

    Barbara
     
  14. tonysmom821

    tonysmom821 New Member

    I am new here in fact this is my first post. I'm glad that I believe I have found a place where people understand. I'm so tired of talking to my friends with these "perfect" children. I hear these stories and I just want to sink in my chair.

    My son is 15 and just recently started acting out. He just doesn't want to put in any effort in school. He wants the easy way. Lately he was bucking me about school. I would sit there and help him with his homework for two hours a night and then the next day he wouldn't even turn it in. What's the point.

    So last week my husband (stepdad), his Dad, and me banded together for the first time and said we are not going to tolerate this behavior. My son now lives with his Dad who is just across town. Now he has to get up 30 minutes early to go to school, and his Dad is making him responsible for his own things. I know I have to cut the apron strings since this is my only child. I'm sad that he can't live with me, but I can't tolerate a child who curses at me, is disrespectful. He's got to learn.

    My son just doesn't want to put forth effort in anything. Right now he's in counseling and seeing a neurologist. We have been there done that with medication (4 types), he's ADD, Aspergers.

    Right now I'm tired, worn out, frustrated. My kid could have everything if he would just act right. I know you guys understand. Thanks for listening.

    Mary
     
  15. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    its funny how what you said hit me. the neighbors down the street had kids my kids' ages. they ignored their kids, went on big vacations without them, gave them nothing, hd them make their own very simple foods that I would not call dinner, they were always mean to them and the kids were crying half the time.

    I was at home any time my kids were. I worked around their schedule, signed them up and then sat on the bleachers for the games, made dinner every night including home made pies and desserts, did homework with them, was active in their lives from day one....read to them at night, played with them, took them camping and to disney and all the vacations they would enjoy..yadda yadda yadda.

    you got it...the neighbors kids are college educated, happily married with kids of their own, and I have ant.

    go figure.

    it is not so much what you put into a child, it is a combo of their genes, their personality, and other stuff.

    one of my sons is a easy child and I mean that in every way.
    one of my sons is headed for yet another incarceration.

    same food, house, parents
     
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