Does Mike live at your house?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by 2much2recover, Jan 13, 2015.

  1. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Adult Kids Who Stay At Home
    ... sap you and zap your personal power

    An interesting and disturbing trend seems to be on the rise in America, and that is fully grown adult children living at home with their parents, often well into their 20’s and even 30’s. One has to wonder what the reasons are for this, though there seems to be little doubt as to the consequences. The net result is a loss of personal power for both the adult child and the parents who support him.

    There has been a remarkable shift in the living arrangements for kids who are not actively pursuing college education. Whereas the tendency for kids has always been to want to get away from home, spread their wings, and learn self-sufficiency, many are now choosing to abandon these goals and reside with their parents as independent adults. Or are they?
  2. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    No way would Mike be allowed to live in my house - but this is a growing trend in the UK too. It's often blamed on the high cost of buying a home and the recession and the rising divorce rate sending many adults in their 20s and 30s back to their parents' home. I don't get it. I couldn't wait to leave home and find my own place. I couldn't wait to get a job and independence.

    One of my friends has been dating a man for the past 3 years. He's 50 and still lives with his mother. 'Odd' isn't a strong enough word to describe it. She's 53 and has her own home and has been independent since the age of 18. Convenient for him I suppose, if I want to put my 'cynical' hat on. He's nice enough I suppose, but wouldn't be the man for me. haha.

    Like the article says - some mothers want to carry on mothering - way past the age when it's apropriate to do so.
  3. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Me neither - sounds like he would he just changing from his mother to another one he could get some nookie from LOL
  4. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    You know, I remember a day not all that long ago when living with your parents pretty much killed you in the dating scene. It was considered a bit pathetic with a side of creepy! And that was just for those it their mid to late 20's!
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  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Great article 2m2r, thank you. It describes what many of our difficult child's do here and supports boundaries and detaching. Like the article mentioned, the little birds sometimes have to be thrown out of the nest in order to learn to fly on their own.
  6. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    We are still going to other direction, I guess. I come from the country, that was very agrarian until rather recently. Till sixties most people got their livelihood from agriculture and especially family farms and those by nature were multi-generational systems. Some times there were separate house for older generation to live in but mostly they stayed in the same house as the younger generation. If your think for example my husband's family, his granny was the first one to move out after the farm had been handed down to father in law after father in law's dad died (though neither father in law nor his dad made their primary income from the farm, father in law's dad was a civil servant and father in law made his career in academia), till that, it was always multi generational living in this house. husband's granny moved farther away, first to near by city, later to live in other places in Europe. father in law and mother in law on the other hand decided to build a new house for themselves close to this old family home, when they decided it was time for them to move out and sell the place for husband and me. No idea how we plan to handle the next transition and if either of our sons will even be interested to live here later. And if not, what we would do then (maybe some of their cousins would then be interested to buy this, selling for an outsider really doesn't feel like an option.) And I really don't know what we will do, if for example decade from now either of our son's is starting family, they have made up their mind among themselves which one of them will buy this house and are willing to do it then. That nearby big city is really eating us alive and it is impossible to build more houses that would still have a rural feel on our lands. And I'm not sure, if I will be ready for more urban living in ten years, I enjoy rural too much. I know husband would be okay with living in the city and just keeping our summer house for rural experience, but I'm not sure, if I will be ready for that.

    But anyway, in our culture those agrarian roots are still so close to everyone, that kids staying home longer doesn't feel that odd. Most move out sometime in their twenties, or keep living in two places like they were their own (rent a flat from the city and spend a lot of time with parents at countryside or in their home towns during weekends), till they start their own families (that tend to happen late around here, average first time mother is almost 30-year-old around here.) Our kids start school late and go to school for a long time, so often it is very gradual change from living with their parents, to having that flat or room in student housing, to living with their boyfriend/girlfriend in the flat and still spending lots of time in parent's house to buying or building their own house, having kids and actually starting to invite their parents over instead of visiting them. And even after that summer cottages tend to be shared and used by multiple generations (and often those summer houses either are original family farms or build to the lands of those farms.)
  7. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    SuZir, I grew up in a farming community as did Lil. IF, and only IF, you were working the farm for your parents was it acceptable to be staying with them. At least where I grew up anyway.
  8. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Jabber: Around here not working on the family farm isn't much of an option - if you are not able to get really far away ;)

    Husband's family's farm is not really passed on to anyone officially. None of the kids showed much interest becoming a farmer after father in law originally. Later on one of my husband's sisters got enough of her job as corporate lawyer, moved in with the organic farmer and became farmer herself and is renting father in law's fields. My husband keeps up the forest side of the farm (though he really doesn't like the work, but father in law still does most of it and also helps sister in law considerably, he is just too old for EU bureaucrats to be one running the farm officially) and during the busy times everyone who can't run far enough (Australia tends to be rather safe bet, Bolivia also worked fine for brother in law for couple of years) or come up with good enough excuse (being on your death bed or something similar) is certainly guilt tripped into helping out. At least if not some more appropriate victim can be found first (like last spring when Ache ended up doing most of sister in law's spring work for her, because she was injured and father in law had something else urgent. Ache has three vacation weeks a year by CBA of his sport, he spent about all of that sitting in the tractor, 16 to 20 hours a day, harrowing, planting and all that after he was spot tanning in our balcony and so giving away that he actually didn't have anything worthwhile to do.)

    And I shouldn't have anything to do with the whole thing, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have spent a night just a week ago (-10 F without wind chill, something totally else with it) running around trying to catch sister in law's cows after they decided their cowshed was mighty boring place and they would rather go and look their fortune from nearby suburbia. :D
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2015
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Here? unless you have a lucrative career by age 22... you're at home until you can save enough for a down payment on a house of your own. Rent is unaffordable, even with 4 kids in a 2 bedroom basement suite.

    Unless you have parents who can afford to subsidize you... which some do.
  10. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Having grown up in a small town I knew lots of people who had their grandparents living with them but it was usually because they were older and unable to care for themselves. Now I see kids moving back in with their parents to help them make house payments and keep afloat. I have lived with my parents for short periods when husband was away at training or when we are in the middle of an Army move. At this point though I would never do that again. It worked at the time because we either didn't have housing for the short term or didn't want to pay rent in a large metropolitan area where I didn't have any supports.

    I would never have chosen to just live with my parents for years after I turned 18. In fact I moved back only when I was pregnant and single and had no other way to pay for housing. Right after I had difficult child my dad bought a small house for me and I paid the mortgage and bills. I lived there until I married husband and then moved out of town with him. When we left I helped my dad do some minor repairs so that he could rent the house out and then sell it.

    in my humble opinion people who are still living at home at 30 should either be there as a financial or medical/physical support for their families. If you are still living there acting like a kid and not helping then that is a serious red flag!

    On the other hand I keep watching these home makeover and home buying shows on TV and it seems to be pretty common that several generations are living together. Of course all the ones on TV have the children helping support the family. Maybe TV has a no moochers allowed policy! LOL
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Two key points in that...
    1) at age 30 (by then you should have your act and finances together)
    2) support for their families (been there done that, yes it's a valid exception)

    We have lots of 20-somethings living at home. By 27, most are on their own. In these parts, we often say that 25 is the new 18.
  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    The only time I can see it being a positive is IF the adult child is working and contributing to the household via paying rent and household chores and there is an end date in sight. Perhaps if the parent is struggling and the adult child is helping in that regard, but to just "sponge" off your parents being nothing more than a parasite is just WRONG. Mike needs to go.

    This is classic:
    Mike needs to be treated like the full-grown man that he is, even if he isn’t acting like it. His complaint is that nobody treats him like an adult, and they don’t. But then again, a grown man gets a job, he supports himself, he doesn’t run home to mommy, doesn’t raid mommy’s refrigerator, she doesn’t do his laundry, and she doesn’t clean up after him or fix his problems.

    I can't help but wonder about these scenario's years down the road. Mom and Dad will eventually die then where will Mike be? A 60 or 70 year old that has no clue how to take care of himself. I can see it now, special nursing homes for aging difficult child's.
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    On a positive note, I like the creativity that my daughter's roommate used.
    The roommate, I'll call M, is a young teacher in her 20s.
    First, she had an apartment and ran an ad for a renter. She got my daughter and another young woman, both students.
    Then, she got her parents to co-sign on a loan for a townhouse a couple of miles away, and made sure that both of her renters could afford to pay her at the new place.
    They all moved out of the apt, and moved into the townhouse. They all share in the payments.
    Eventually, the students will move out and she'll replace them with-other students until she can afford the payments on her own.
    It's not exactly what people used to do but it's a move forward. :)
  14. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I absolutely love this idea! It is what my brother did. My dad assisted with renting his first apartment and then a townhome and then from then on my brother did it himself. He upgraded to a house. Every location had 2 roomies....then 1 roomie....then his job relocated him and he bought another condo in NJ and got a roomie there. Of course the cost of living in NJ is ridiculous so he had to have a roomate for several years. Plus he's smart and was fine with having the roomate pay the rent while he paid the HOA and the utilities. Heck he was sitting pretty.
  15. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: Let's see, what amenities would there be at such an institution?

    Cable TV with every channel known to man, really comfortable couches,plenty of junk food such as Doritos and flaming hot Cheetos, unlimited supplies of beer, maid service 24/7, a laundress, etc.

    And a guardian to liberally dole out the money.:)
  16. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hmmm.... Mike does not live in my home. That said - quite a few things hit home for me and struck a little fear in me. Mostly of "OH CRAP - is this will difficult child be Mike in 3 years????"

    Right now, I am in a place of giving it time. It's a bit easier for me because my difficult child is respectful and takes his "duty" of being a good role model to pc17 pretty seriously.

    I guess because my difficult child left home so abruptly and prematurely (in my opinion) - a part of me is trying to give him back those transition years of slowly leaving the nest in hopes that it will improve the outcome. I know he is out of options and I am choosing not to throw it in his face and hoping ONCE AGAIN he will take this opportunity to take a deep breath and figure out his life. He tends to runaway from his problems - his form of DENIAL - so I am also trying not to trigger the "flee impulse" in him. We shall see. It's still the honeymoon phase.

    Though I am USA born and bred - I am of Italian descent and in my culture & FOO - adult children don't leave the nest until they are married. Now, this was not the case with my brothers or many of my cousins - and I married 6 months out of college so it's nbd in my own case. But there's always been a spirit of "this will always be your home" among parents and adult children in my family and that's how I feel about my own nearly adult kids. Again - so long as they are respectful and not causing havoc. I am also lucky to live in a house that is large enough to give us all our "own" space.

    And I breathe a lot easier knowing that difficult child is alive and well and under my roof. I am downright gleeful if all 3 boys are here on the same night. And my h - he is happy when I am happy.

    But definitely food for thought - I am bookmarking it for reference. It's not my worst nightmare for difficult child but the article hit close to home and the idea of difficult child being Mike is definitely a nightmare!
  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My husband's son is married to a wonderful woman who has two older brothers, both in their 50's who have been supported by their parents their entire lives. I think they are respectful, but they don't work and expect to be taken care of..... one lives in a condo the parents own and the other lives at home. All their needs are taken care of. One has a daughter who the parents raised. Everyone finds it strange except for the parents and the sons. Even the daughter, (my husband's daughter in law), is a nurse, works full time, has a son, owns a home...etc. thinks her brothers are lazy, unproductive, vacuous kinds of characters. They don't offer anything to anyone, they exist solely for their own pleasure. When the parents pass, the 3 of them will inherit quite a lot, however, it is clear to everyone that within a very short time, the brothers will run through all the money and be left with nothing and likely be in their 60's with no money, no job, nothing at all.

    When I see something like that, what I believe is that character, strength, courage, compassion, resourcefulness, tenacity and assertiveness, among many other traits, are borne out of mistakes made and corrected, growth through having fallen down and figuring out how to pick yourself up, having goals and achieving them, or not and learning from it, working towards something important to you, valuing what you've earned on your own, pride in your accomplishments, beating the odds, finding meaning in what you do and providing for yourself and your family. These men didn't learn any of that. It's as if they missed the boat in life and just sat this one out.

    At this stage of my life, the people I find the most interesting, who offer something important to me, are the ones who come with all the experiences of life, the ups and downs, the paths most of us take which are glorious and dismal, but we survive and it makes us who we are today. That richness of character can't be given or bought, it's earned by living a life.........a life which you have to show up for.......and in the showing up, you come alive with passion, vitality, beauty, resilience, love and connection.

    It's a shame that people like Mike and the two brothers miss that.